My money is safe. I am unaffected by the whims of the stock market. I have a simple savings plan. When change falls out of my pants pocket into the seat cushions, I let it ride.
Every election, candidates spend several billion dollars to convince you their opponent is the lowest slime to ever walk on the earth. This must mean we elect the second lowest slimes to ever walk on earth.
INSTEAD OF HIDING YOUR MONEY UNDER YOUR MATTRESS invest in wheelbarrows. With the way the government is throwing money around for bailouts, everyone will soon need a wheelbarrow to cart their worthless inflated dollars to the store to buy a loaf of bread.
Human behavior is like water. No matter how you try to control them, both will always find the leaks. People do what is in their immediate best interests.
Any damn fool can believe and propose anything. It is up to sensible people not to go along with it
One way to keep your identity from being stolen is to have an identity so bad nobody wants to steal it.
You know it is a fake I.D.
if the picture on the I.D. has more than one person in it.
We need Christmas Lights more in January than December. We could use something to cheer us up during the most dismal depressing month of the year. Many homes still have their lights up. They just don't get turned on.
Congress is where bloated blowhards congregate to do things to impress the ignorant and enrich their friends.
We aren't addicted to oil. We are addicted to moving.
Almost all scientists agree there is global warming because if you don't agree you get canned.
Politeness, courtesy and appreciation are tiny gestures that make life more pleasant for everyone. It depends on you keeping in practice.
If Al Gore is so worried about the extinction of the human race, why does he look so happy?
Cellphone text messaging has turned the younger generation into a bunch of new fangled Western Union operators. Their reply would be WU WT.
A good alternative tooth pick is a parchment business card. They are thinner than standard business cards but very sturdy. They are expensive cards, so the best source is a crooked lawyer or somebody trying to act richer than they are.
I was watching the Katrina Victims standing in the mountains of trash and was reminded how we under appreciate our garbageman.
Next time the garbage truck comes rattling down your street, go out to the curb shock your garbagemen and tell them Thank You.
Everyone running for Congress for the first time wants and promises change. Every old SOB that has been in Congress for 30, 40, 50 years just wants to keep coming back and they let all the newly elected know real quick that they are pip-squeaks that won't be changing anything.
Daylight Savings Time was invented by Benjamin Franklin. Many farmers are against it because the extra hour of daylight tends to burn their crops up. Arizona doesn't have it because they don't need to be any hotter in the summer.
I have never accepted one penny of BLOGOLA. No one has ever offered me any
Opinions are the cheapest commodity on earth and worth even less from Rosie O'Donnell.
I heard a TV weatherman say we might have some mild tornadoes.
If they really put people in prison for lying to Congress, the place would be empty.
While you are on a quest, you will discover other good things that you may not have noticed and may have never imagined.
The difference between men and women is men don't want to talk about their troubles and all that women want to talk about is their troubles.
Socialism is easy to sell because of human nature. Socialism absolutely doesn't work because of human nature
FREE ENTERPRISE IS GREAT!
If a tree fell at a Kevin Federline concert would it make a sound?
Expecting the government to solve a problem is the same as expecting to see a unicorn.
Don't invite anyone into your house. You won't have to bother cleaning it and you won't be embarrassed.
The internet is the new bathroom wall
I would wish you a happy new year, but since most people don't know how to be happy, I will just hope you don't get killed on the way home.
The girl stars gone wild that can't keep out of trouble should stop associating with bad companions (like their parents).
Are muffins an excuse to eat cake for breakfast?
Women choose shoes to impress other women. I don't think I have ever paid much attention to a woman's shoes. I guess I might notice if she was wearing combat boots.
People that believe in government conspiracies give the government far too much credit of being capable of running anything. The only government conspiracy has the initials C.Y.A.
I once had a wonderful experience at the post office. I didn't have to stand in line to buy stamps and I didn't have to wait for a counterperson to finish their break.
Sixty or seventy years ago when many labor saving housekeeping devices were novel and new they would have been a thoughtful and appreciated anniversary gift. Now, household labor saving devices are not coveted and are considered a thoughtless gift that could result in objects being thrown at heads, silent treatments or a life sleeping on the couch if you are lucky.
If a lake or river dried up, somebody would be out there building a house on it. They would also be crying, complaining and expecting the government to bail them out after the water came back.
On a visit to New York City I was riding the subway and they kept announcing that there were "pickpockets on the train". How did they know? I determined they must be psychics.
Do your part against global warming. Get rid of all the light bulbs in your house. Sit in the dark. Go to bed at sundown. Wake up at dawn. Turn off your television when Al Gore comes on.
In 100,000 years, people will probably just be round blobs with a single finger to push the buttons.
Tom Bodette is on Al Gore's hit list for
leaving the lights on at Motel 6.
40% of dog owners let their dog sleep on the bed with them. The best birth control method is letting your pit bull sleep on the bed
If you put anything besides cheese in a Grilled Cheese Sandwich can you still call it a Grilled Cheese Sandwich? I say it becomes an AND sandwich.
Not stopping people from sneaking across the border is like having a safe with a back door that you leave wide open.
Perhaps, Ahmadinejad wanted to visit Ground Zero so he could lay a wreath for the terrorists on the planes.
The United Nations is a place where a pissant can go to feel important, live in luxury,and bad mouth the United States.
There is a bookstore owner that goes to work naked. He says that he has a bad location. He makes up for it with the international publicity he receives. I wouldn't ask him to point out the non-fiction section.
European scientists ran chimpanzees and human children through a battery of tests. Their conclusion? Human children are smarter than chimps. They only needed to ask their grandmothers.
Congress is back in session. They should vote themselves more vacation time. When they are in session, they feel obligated to pass laws and waste money
Why do you always hit red lights when you are in a hurry? When you need a red light because you didn't get the door shut properly or you just dumped your drink all over your lap and the rest of the front seat, you'll get non-stop green lights.
Popeye was beaten up. He couldn't find any spinach because of the government recall.
I received a junk mail piece at my business address from the U.S. Post Office. They were offering to send me a DVD that will try to convince me to send out junk mail.
I was just wondering how many psychics are in the Black Book-banned from the casinos in Las Vegas along with the card counters and assorted cheats
I am waiting for someone to sue GOD for destruction caused by a natural disaster. I have a defense. A hurricane, or earthquake or flood (with you living on the river bank) was going to come through wherever it came through whether you were there are not. It is up to you to not be there.
The way congress attempts to solve problems is to dig a hole and throw money into it.
I just realized I am a Pennyaire!
I hated getting paid weekly. In principle, your pay averages out to so much a month. Most months only have four weeks, so you make less than the average that month. Every three months you get an extra week which is like a bonus and you feel rich until you have to set 2/3 of if it aside to cover the short week months. Once a year, you have to wait four months for the extra week.
Every August in many states they make a big deal about SALES TAX FREE DAY for school supplies. People jam the stores and load up. If the stores ran an ad announcing everything 8% off today, nobody would bother.
If you know or see someone planning, making or planting a bomb, tell on them. And, hope you don't get sued.
Why do women get so upset about the toilet seat being left up?
If you are living with an unthinking oaf, I think you would prefer lowering the seat rather than the alternative of encountering a wet one.
I have a bad business idea:
A cat racing track.
They could stop illegal immigration if they used herds of CHUPACABRAS patrolling the border.
Experts will always tell you that something CAN'T be done because after you figure out how you CAN they are not experts anymore.
The Lunatic Fringe were once seldom seen or heard. Now, they are in our face. They win awards at film festivals and quit daytime network television shows.
The family of a dictator's food taster are suing because he wasn't properly informed that he might be poisoned.
If you drink before you drive remember to turn up your radio so you won't hear the crash.
Slapping "earth friendly" or "green" on the packaging of a product has replaced "new and improved" or "fat-free" as the way to sucker you into buying it.
There is a category of protesters that love and are ever ready for a reason to drop their drawers and get naked for any cause. Most of them really shouldn't.
80% of Americans think they are smarter than their boss. Except for my employees, I believe they are right.
If someone says they have been "working like a dog" does that mean they have been curled up on the couch asleep?
Can you win a war if the people on your side are kneecapping your warriors with a lead pipe?
I saw a bum at an intersection holding a sign- I NEED A BEER WHY LIE.
An old relative from the South once told me he knew he had overstayed his welcome as a house guest when they took the preserves off the table.
I hate Wal-Mart. Everytime I go in to a Wal-Mart to buy something specific, they place bargains in the aisle. "That's a good price. I need that." I always end up with a basketful of stuff that I needed, but when I walked into the store I didn't remember I needed. Damn you Wal-Mart!
What is America's favorite Wi-Fi spot- Their next door neighbor.
YOUR BOYFRIEND MIGHT BE GAY
If he calls Barbara Streisand BABS, stood in line for tickets for her upcoming concert and is not taking you.
With the extra hot temperatures this summer, you can save on electricity or natural gas usage by cooking dinner on the dashboard of your enclosed car.
I don't go for EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT advertising gimmicks. I am holding out for the discount they give to their Grandma.
The same critics that scream that oil and drug companies charge too much also scream that Wal-Mart charges too little.
Don't burn up 3 bucks worth of gas to wait in the drive-thru to buy a $1 double cheeseburger.
Our daily existence depends on everyone acting rationally. It only takes one irrational person to mess up everything.
What a beautiful day, watch some bastard louse it up.
Someone with a weapon only has control over you as long as you think there is a chance they will let you go
Every weirdo who is interviewed on television always says the magic words to rationalize their perversion- They know doctors and lawyers that also do what they do. It makes me wonder what my doctor has been up to when I go for a checkup.