HOLIDAY STORIES

BOO!!!

Originally, Halloween was the day when the peasants dressed in costumes, usually opposite of their station in life, would knock on the door of the Lord of the Manor for trick or treats. If they didn't get a treat, then the lord would get a trick like getting his manor set on fire.

A MESSAGE FROM PEOPLE FOR ETHICAL TREATMENT OF PUMPKINS

It is the time of year when there is much cruelty to pumpkins. Just watch this great ugliness:


by Aaron Yonda and Matt Sloan splu.net

HALLOWEEN GOING TO THE DOGS

People are crazy about their pets. Their spending on their pets has doubled in the past five years to $34 Billion a year.

Dressing your pet in a Halloween costume is becoming increasingly popular.

I know someone who is going to dress their Pit Bull in a Yoda costume.

You can get a Wacko Jacko Mask for $30 at FrightCatalog.com

PASS THE ....
HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

There were no mashed potatoes and gravy at the first Thanksgiving dinner, but they had plenty of eels.

Potatoes did not reach North America until 1700s and were looked upon as unchristian in Europe before the Pilgrims left. Potatoes were the "devil's apples" because they grew underground.

OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS TO GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE WE GO! IF GRANDMA LIVES IN THE DESERT YOU MADE A WRONG TURN.

HAVING A HAPPY THANKSGIVING BY TRYING TO MAKE ME UNHAPPY

Every holiday wet blanket killjoys show up. For Thanksgiving, food nags tell me that everything I plan to eat is bad. Self appointed mythbusters tell me some new horrible fact about the Pilgrims. This year someone claims they were grave robbers. What do they want? For me to be depressed and contemplating slitting my throat?

I'll have another piece of pie, please. What time is the football game?

HOW TO SPEND THANKSGIVING HOMELESS AND IN THE BURN UNIT

Turkey fried in peanut oil is moist and delicious, but most shouldn't try to make it at home. Here are a few rules to remember,
  • Don't fry the turkey in the house unless you want to burn it down for the insurance money.
  • Don't fry a frozen turkey unless you want a volcono erupting in your face.
  • Test the displacement the turkey will make when you drop it in the liquid. You don't want the hot oil to overflow the top of the pot like the HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME when you lower the turkey.
  • Wear gloves that cover your entire arms.
  • Forget it. Buy one someone else fried or go out to eat.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

George Washington initiated the first Thanksgiving Day holiday held November 26, 1789.

WHAT TO DO WITH
THANKSGIVING LEFTOVERS

A fitness guru/crazy woman in a TV interview on what to with Thanksgiving leftovers said:

THROW IT OUT

Fat Chance! That's like hauling the Christmas Tree to the dump the morning after Christmas lights, balls and all.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS ARE
MY TWO FRONT TEETH

They call it Black Friday. They should call it Black and Blue Friday. The crowds were lined up for the bargains as the stores open at some ungodly hour. Apparently, in order to find bargains for Christmas presents in recent years you have to go out and risk getting into fisticuffs with other bargain hunters. Just imagine, the warm feelings Christmas Morning when you say-"Merry Christmas, I had to crack a guy's skull to get 'dis for ya."

I was in line at 4AM at the door of the MATTRESS STORE for the day after Thanksgiving Early Bird Specials. Unfortunately things got nasty. I got into a pillow fight.

NOBODY WANTS TO CELEBRATE
SNOWFLAKE DAY, STUPID

Another season of the war on Christmas has begun. The White House will be calling its Christmas Tree the Holiday Tree, Sting is calling his new Christmas album WINTER, a Massachusetts elementary school is banning Christmas items, and red and green wrapping paper from their annual PTO Christmas fair fundraiser.

If an overwhelming majority were not celebrating Christmas there wouldn't be any euphemistic holidays to wish someone to be happy for. Who wants to celebrate the Winter Solstice or Snowflake Day? The special time reminds the 90% that observe Christmas to show goodwill and good cheer to everyone whether they believe in Christmas or not, unless they are caving in someone's head fighting over gift bargains.

THE CHRISTMAS PICKLE

An old German Christmas Eve tradition is the Christmas Pickle. The Christmas Pickle is not a real pickle. It is a pickle-shaped ornament that is the last one hung on the tree and hidden deep in the branches on Christmas Eve. The first child to find the Christmas pickle gets an extra gift from Saint Nicholas.

The Christmas Pickle would be an old German tradition if anyone from Germany had ever heard of it. It sounds more like something a crazy weird uncle made up to tell the kids. Or, an ornament maker dreamed up the story to get rid of a bunch of pickle ornaments they had leftover and needed to unload. The Germans did have a tradition of decorating their trees with fruit and nuts.

There are a couple of legends on the origin of the Christmas Pickle tradition:

One story is of a Bavarian-born soldier who fought in the American Civil War. A prisoner in poor health and starving, he begged a guard for just one pickle before he died. The guard took pity on him and found a pickle for him. The pickle by the grace of God gave him the mental and physical strength to live on.

Another claims that hundreds of years ago two young Spanish boys, when traveling home from boarding school one Christmas Eve, sought refuge for the night at an inn. Here they encountered a evil cruel inn-keeper who trapped them in a pickle barrel. When St. Nicholas stopped at the inn that evening he heard their cries and tapped the barrel with his staff, magically freeing them.

Berrien Springs, Michigan calls itself the Christmas Pickle Capital of the World. They hold an annual Christmas Pickle Festival each December.

JACK BAUER INTERROGATES SANTA

Who wouldn't want a picture of their kids with a Santa that looks like Rasputin and sitting on a taxadermied donkey. See family photos with flea bitten Santas with crazy eyes, creepy expressions, wearing masks, alkies, or jonesing Santas. sketchysantas.com

WHAT DO OVER VOCAL ATHEISTS DO FOR CHRISTMAS?

Do they sit at home pouting and feeling offended by what everyone else is doing? Do they sit smugly feeling superior for believing in nothing? Do they sit around selfishly feeling it is all about being against them? Do they enjoy their hollow feeling of refusing to participate in even the non-religious aspects- charity, good will, good cheer and family reunion? Do they spend their day plotting how to be bigger bastards by lousing it up more for everyone next year?

WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

The big stores are doing away with the politically correct nonsense of not mentioning Christmas even though they were decorated to the teeth. They will be screaming Merry Christmas this year. The employees who may have snuck you a sincere Christmas wish last year will be required to give you at least a rote one this year.

"HERE'S YOUR CHRISTMAS BONUS-
CONTINUED EMPLOYMENT"

TIME HAS RUN OUT
FOR HOLIDAY SHOPPING

My brother-in-law worked for years selling jewelry at an extremely high end jewelry store in a fashionable mall. His December work schedule was brutal. But, he did love the hour before closing on Christmas Eve. This was the golden hour when confused and desperate husbands without a gift for their wives would show up. They were anxious for any guidance they could get because they could not go home empty handed. Tony had one question. "What is your credit limit?"

MR BAD IDEAS'
FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SHOWS

There are four Christmas shows that I have to watch every year or the Christmas season is not complete. Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, and that show about ROLLO.

YOU'LL GET WORMS

Egg Nog is a concoction of milk and eggs and an alcoholic beverage. Unrefrigerated eggs and milk go bad quickly so the alcohol was added to keep you from becoming deathly ill.

In ye olde days, most drinks were alcoholic for the same reason. People, then had sense. Now many, including MRS BAD IDEAS, throw caution to the wind- eating raw cookie dough and cookie dough ice cream and risking getting worms.

TAKE IT BACK DAY

The Christmas present exchangers favorite day is the day after Christmas. Retailers are going to make exchanging more difficult. Not by hiding in the back room so they won't lose the few sales they had, but by only allowing you to exchange things only from the same department. They are trying to curb getting scammed for $16 Billion a year. You won't be able to switch a shirt for cd's or a toaster. And for people that have a history of exchanging purchases too often, the stores are banding together to form a blacklist.

My mother would have been at the top of the blacklist. She was so bad, my father refused to buy her presents for any occasion because he knew she would take it back. He said she could buy her own presents. This included a ring for their silver anniversary. I think she was close to being permanently banned from Lenscrafters.

My brother-in-law who worked in high-end jewelry stores for years said they always wondered what was coming back the Day After Christmas.

One year they had spent a month helping a hundred-millionaire choose a $40,000 pearl necklace for his wife. The Day After Christmas, a well dressed woman came into the store and hurled the box with the pearls at them. She shouted, "Tell that bastard I can't be bought off with his cheap baubles!" Then, she left.

HO HO HO

Overheard at Home Depot. A young lady overcome with the Spirit of the Season:

Here's the Christmas crap

I CAN SEE WHERE YOU ARE, CLARICE

I saw the head of TOYS R US showing this year's hottest toys. Along with Elmo and a remote control dragon was Night Vision Goggles. They are sold in pairs. He suggested they come in twos so you can send the kids down to the dark basement. I guess so they can play SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.

IF THEY AREN'T HAPPY, NOBODY IS GOING TO BE HAPPY

With all of the anti-Christmas nonsense going on, how long before those offended by the mention of the celebration Start suing the stores and restaurants for being closed on Christmas Day? They are being discriminated against.

WE NEED A LITTLE CHRISTMAS
RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE

On November 11th they lit the Christmas tree in Chicago at Macy's (formerly Marshall Field). Instead of being so early, I have always thought that we need all the bright and cheery decorations in January, the gloomiest month of the year. The days are short, the weather is bad and we are all depressed from the crash of the end of the holidays.

THE GAME YOU ALMOST NEVER HEARD OF

Halloween is over and retailers will now be in full swing for Christmas even if we still have Thanksgiving to celebrate first. Read about the game you almost never heard of, but you probably got as a gift once for Christmas or a birthday.

DON'T CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN

Former box office champion SOUND OF MUSIC aired on cable for the first time this Easter weekend. ABCFamily has paid $3 million for the exclusive rights to show it for the next three years.

Filmakers take dramatic license to make films more interesting. If the Von Trapp family had really climbed that mountain at the end of the movie to escape the Nazis they would have been heading into Germany, not Switzerland. The audience smiling with feelings of relief and well being as the "Climb Every Mountain" music plays should instead be screaming "Stop, you're going the wrong way. Turn around!"

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY
GOOD FRIEND KEVIN FEDERLINE

You can get a celebrity to come to your Christmas party for the right price. Two years ago, K-Fed would show up for $12,000. I couldn't find his current rate or if he is still available. It'll take a million to have Jessica Simpson as a party guest and six figures for a Desperate Housewife. For those on a budget, you can get Anson Williams (Potsy from Happy Days) for about $5,000. William Hung will show up and sing two songs for $4,000. I'll bet you on what one song is. Corporal Klinger, Eddie Haskell, or Beaver Cleaver will come to your party if the price is right. Just think, the used to be famous whose career was on the skids were once lucky to get paid for a supermarket opening. I wonder how hard hit party-going D list celebs are during these hard times. They may need a bailout.

I wonder what K-Fed will take not to show up at your party?

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS CANCELED

There won't be many office Christmas parties this year. Having to make a choice between having the party or canning somebody, most businesses are canceling the parties.

Dancing on table tops and photocopying body parts hasn't been the only thing going on at office Christmas parties. A British survey says that one-third of those surveyed admitted to having sex with the boss during the party.

Could this be true? Does the boss sit in his office like Bill Clinton with his employees lined up outside the door waiting to wish him or her a "Merry Christmas"? This year, employees will have to find another time to save their Christmas Bonus.

The survey was from a dating website.

YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT

The Daisy BB gun was originally given away as a premium when you bought something else for your farm. The something else was probably one of the main targets for young sharpshooters. The Red Ryder model, Ralphie's obsession in CHRISTMAS STORY, was the hit of Christmas 1940.

Read DON'T SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT

LOOKING FOR A LADY'S LEG LAMP?

50,000 people from all over the country will tour Ralphie's house from THE CHRISTMAS STORY. Located in Cleveland, it is the actual house where they filmed the movie. A San Diego entrepreneur bought it sight unseen from an auction on EBAY, then remodeled it to look exactly like it did in the movie. He had to change the interiors because they were different than what was filmed on a soundstage in Toronto.

You can also eat at the official Chinese restaurant where Ralphie's family had to eat Christmas dinner after the Bumpass's smelly dogs destroyed the turkey. Waiters recreate the famous movie scene by bringing the duck to the table then chopping off the head with a giant cleaver. You can buy an elf hat from the actress that played Santa's worst helper ever. She hand sews them.

If you can't make it to Cleveland you can order an actual size LADY'S LEG LAMP to set in your front window just like Ralphie's dad's major award. This year there is a second Ralphie's house in Toronto.

HAVE YOU SEEN THEM MIDGETS?

Nothing gets you introduced to the public quicker than a good publicity stunt.

Charles Pajeau hired midgets, dressed them as elves, and placed them in the display window of a Chicago department store where they played with his new invention, Tinker Toys, during Christmas of 1914. In the next year, he sold over a million sets.

Paljeau got the idea for Tinker Toys from watching children sticking pencils into wooden thread spool holes.

MR BAD IDEAS'
FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SHOWS

There are four Christmas shows that I have to watch every year or the Christmas season is not complete. Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, and that show about ROLLO.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

The Twelve Days of Christmas is the time between the birth of Jesus and the arrival of the Three Wise Men on January 6.

IT'S GONNA BE A HARD CANDY CHRISTMAS

No need to worry about no money or the Chinese poisoning your children with lead painted toys this Christmas. Give them what they really like instead. The National Toy Hall of Fame recently inducted the STICK which joins THE CARDBOARD BOX. The box has always been more popular than most of the toys that came in it and has offered infinite possibilities for fun. A stick and imagination has entertained kids for centuries.

I would like to nominate these to the Toy Hall of Fame: WRAPPING PAPER TUBES, BUBBLE WRAP, and IMAGINARY FRIENDS. I haven't seen my imaginary friend in a while. He had to go away to the nervous hospital.

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

When my mother-in-law begins to scream and shout, through the window I would like to throw her out. I resolve not to do it here is why. I'm afraid of hitting someone passing by.
---Spike Jones & His City Slickers

WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR

January 15th is the day that 90% of resolutioners have given up on their New Year's Resolution. There should be no wait for the exercise machines at the gym from now on.

IT'S ALL OVER NOW, BABY BLUE

A Canadian company that specializes in divorces, ran an ad in a Toronto newspaper with this headline: "Holidays Are Over - You Can Stop Pretending Now."

JUST OK BOWL

They could not sell all of the seats at the first Super Bowl with Greenbay and Kansas City. Two college marching bands played at half time. There is no recorded record of the first two Super Bowls because the tapes were erased. They thought no one would ever want to see them again. Pete Rozell, the NFL commissioner wanted to call it THE BIG ONE. Kansas City Chiefs' owner Lamar Hunt thought of the name after watching his kids play with a Super Ball.

SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER

It is Groundhog Day. Punxsutawney Phil says: Six more weeks of winter. Phil is right 39% of the time. A coin flip would be right 50%. Phil lives on dog food, ice cream and his yearly nip of Groundhog Punch (which gives him immortality).

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

St. Valentine's Day was originally a feast day celebrated by the Catholic Church to honor one of possibly three martyred men. Geoffrey Chaucer turned it into a day for romance when he wrote PARLEMENT OF FOULES in 1382.

Valentine's Day has long been a day when lovers exchanged love notes. In the mid 1900s it also became a day for giving chocolates and flowers. The jewelers horned-in with their full court press in the early 80s for guilting men to feel obligated and women to feel entitled to give and get jewelry. One billion Valentine cards are sold every year- 85% purchased by women. Six hundred thousand couples get engaged. Valentine's Day is a $13 Billion a year business.

There is a group promoting Anti-Valentine Day. They don't want to feel compelled to give anything. Except maybe lingerie.

3:45am IS THE BEST TIME TO SNEAK HOME BECAUSE IF ANYONE SEES YOU THEY ARE SNEAKING HOME, TOO.

February 13th was CHEATER'S DAY- the day when the most unfaithful spouses get caught. Here's a quote in honor of the day:

Hillary Clinton has been cheated on more than
a blind woman playing Scrabble with gypsies.
---Dennis Miller

I'M HAPPY YOU LIKE YOUR NEW PAJAMAS, NOW, GET'EM OFF

We are in the middle of the pre-Valentine bombardment of commercials selling husbands and boyfriends on buying sexy pajamas for their wife and/or girlfriend. After the women slide on their new p.j.'s the men will be trying to pull them off in about 30 seconds. Who is this present for?

The man won't be choosing the style he thinks will look best on his wife and/or girlfriend. After receiving the new pajamas, the women will know from the style they receive which model in the commercial their man has the hots for. His call to action to purchase the pajamas will show the degree his eyes have been bugging out for that girl. I think Mrs. Bad Ideas would like the red pajamas with the straps.

VALENTINE'S DAY FOR CLODS

According to a recent survey, flowers are not in the Top 3 gifts desired by women for Valentine's Day. They don't really want them delivered in person at home. Flowers move up the list if they are delivered by the florist to her office for everyone to notice. Sending them a day ahead of time is even better. There is a better chance that more of her girlfriends will see them.

HAPPY 3.14159265 DAY

Math geeks around the world are in a tizzie. They celebrated Pi day - March 14th or 3.14. Pi is the constant number used to calculate the area or circumference of a circle. It starts with 3.14159265 and continues to an infinite number of decimal places. Pi maniacs compete to see who can learn the longest string. A Japanese mental health counselor holds the world record by reciting Pi to the 100,000th decimal place. Someone should examine his head.

Just imagine Pi day in 2015. It will be like Y2K.

Coincidentally, it is also Albert Einstein's birthday.

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!

There, I quoted Shakespeare- JULIUS CAESAR Act I Scene II.

Julius Caesar was assassinated by senators with daggers on the Ides of March, 2051 years ago. "Et tu Brute?"

The ides of the month in the Roman Calendar fell on the 15th of March, May, July and October. The ides fell on the 13th every other month.

Spring Forward Fall Back

Daylight Savings Time was invented by Benjamin Franklin. Many farmers are against it because the extra hour of daylight tends to burn their crops up. Arizona doesn't have it because they don't need to be any hotter in the summer.

HAPPY SPRING EQUINOX

Or, if you are reading this from the southern hemisphere enjoy a Happy Autumn Equinox as you watch the water swirl in the wrong direction when you flush your toilet.

WHAT DOES A BUNNY HAVE TO DO WITH EASTER?

The Easter Bunny really is a symbol of spring that has been combined with Easter because it falls at the same time. The Bunny is an ancient German tradition and folk story dating back before the birth of Christ. The story goes- A chicken turns into a bunny that lays colorful eggs and spreads them across open lands to change the dreary bleakness of winter into the colors of spring. The kids go out to hunt for the colorful treasures left by the Easter Bunny.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY

The United States is the greatest country with the greatest economic system on earth. It is so strong and resilient that a lot of people can live a cushy life and even get rich railing against it.

Free Enterprise is Great!

GREASY KID STUFF Vitalis was the sponsor for the Sun Bowl last year. I didn't know that Vitalis, big in the 50's and 60s, was still around. I speculated that the next we would see The Butch Wax Bowl. I was wrong. Vitalis was replaced by Brut. I now predict the next bowl will be the Hai Karate Bowl.


mrbadideas@mrbadideas.com





copyright 2007 Michael Dunn