The Easter Bunny really is a symbol of spring that has been combined with Easter because it falls at the same time. The Bunny is an ancient German tradition and folk story dating back before the birth of Christ. The story goes- A chicken turns into a bunny that lays colorful eggs and spreads them across open lands to change the dreary bleakness of winter into the colors of spring. The kids go out to hunt for the colorful treasures left by the Easter Bunny.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
St. Valentine's Day was originally a feast day celebrated by the Catholic Church to honor one of possibly three martyred men. Geoffrey Chaucer turned it into a day for romance when he wrote PARLEMENT OF FOULES in 1382.
Valentine's Day has long been a day when lovers exchanged love notes. In the mid 1900s it also became a day for giving chocolates and flowers. The jewelers horned-in with their full court press in the early 80s for guilting men to feel obligated and women to feel entitled to give and get jewelry. One billion Valentine cards are sold every year- 85% purchased by women. Six hundred thousand couples get engaged. Valentine's Day is a $13 Billion a year business.
There is a group promoting Anti-Valentine Day. They don't want to feel compelled to give anything. Except maybe lingerie.
PASS THE .... HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
There were no mashed potatoes and gravy at the first Thanksgiving dinner, but they had plenty of eels.
Potatoes did not reach North America until 1700s and were looked upon as unchristian in Europe before the Pilgrims left. Potatoes were the "devil's apples" because they grew underground.
OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS TO GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE WE GO! IF GRANDMA LIVES IN THE DESERT YOU MADE A WRONG TURN.
I HOPE I GET A GOOD CHRISTMAS BONUS
Dancing on table tops and photocopying body parts isn't the only thing going on at office Christmas parties.
A British survey says that one-third of those surveyed admitted to having sex with the boss during the party.
Could this be true? Does the boss sit in his office like Bill Clinton with his employees lined up outside the door waiting to wish him or her a "Merry Christmas"?
The survey was from a dating website.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS ARE MY TWO FRONT TEETH
They call it Black Friday. They should call it Black and Blue Friday. The crowds were lined up for the bargains as the stores open at some ungodly hour.
Apparently, in order to find bargains for Christmas presents in recent years you have to go out and risk getting into fisticuffs with other bargain hunters.
Just imagine, the warm feelings Christmas Morning when you say-"Merry Christmas, I had to crack a guy's skull to get 'dis for ya."
I was in line at 4AM at the door of the MATTRESS STORE for the day after Thanksgiving Early Bird Specials. Unfortunately things got nasty. I got into a pillow fight.
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT
The big stores are doing away with the politically correct nonsense of not mentioning Christmas even though they were decorated to the teeth. They will be screaming Merry Christmas this year. The employees who may have snuck you a sincere Christmas wish last year will be required to give you at least a rote one this year.
IT'S SUPER LAZY NEWS WEEK
Thanksgiving week is the week that Lazy TV newsrooms wait for all year.
The days before Thanksgiving, reporters will be parked at the airport and will be amazed at how many people are there flying somewhere that day. That is good for killing a few minutes. Then, Friday they can go to a mall parking lot and be amazed by how many cars are there that day. If they are really lazy, they can rerun their reports from last year. Who can tell the difference?
"HERE'S YOUR CHRISTMAS BONUS- CONTINUED EMPLOYMENT"
TAKE IT BACK
The Christmas present exchangers were there bright and early when the stores opened at 6AM the day after Christmas.
Retailers are going to make exchanging more difficult since they get get scammed for $16 Billion a year. Many will allow you to exchange things only from the same department. You won't be able to switch a shirt for cd's or a toaster. And for people that have a history of exchanging purchases too often, the stores are banding together to form a blacklist.
My mother would have been at the top of the blacklist. She was so bad, my father refused to buy her presents for any occasion because he knew she would take it back. He said she could buy her own presents. This included a ring for their silver anniversary. I think she was close to being permanently banned from Lenscrafters.
TIME HAS RUN OUT FOR HOLIDAY SHOPPING
My brother-in-law worked for years selling jewelry at an extremely high end jewelry store in a fashionable mall. His December work schedule was brutal. But, he did love the hour before closing on Christmas Eve. This was the golden hour when confused and desperate husbands without a gift for their wives would show up. They were anxious for any guidance they could get because they could not go home empty handed. Tony had one question. "What is your credit limit?"
YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT
The Daisy BB gun was originally given away as a premium when you bought something else for your farm. The something else was probably one of the main targets for young sharpshooters. The Red Ryder model, Ralphie's obsession in CHRISTMAS STORY, was the hit of Christmas 1940.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY GOOD FRIEND KEVIN FEDERLINE
ABCNEWS.com has a story about the racket of A to Z list celebrities getting paid to come to your party. For $12,000 K-Fed will show up. It'll take a million to have Jessica Simpson as a party guest and six figures for a Desperate Housewife. For those on a budget, you can get Anson Williams (Potsy from Happy Days) for about $5,000. Edward Hung will show up and sing two songs for $4,000. I'll bet you on what one song is. Corporal Klinger, Eddie Haskell, or Beaver Cleaver will come to your party for the right price. Just think, the used to be famous whose career was on the skids were once lucky to get paid for a supermarket opening.
I wonder what K-Fed will take not to show up at your party?
NOBODY WANTS TO CELEBRATE SNOWFLAKE DAY, STUPID
If an overwhelming majority were not celebrating Christmas there wouldn't be any euphemistic holidays to wish someone to be happy for. Who wants to celebrate the Winter Solstice or Snowflake Day? The special time reminds the 90% that observe Christmas to show goodwill and good cheer to everyone whether they believe in Christmas or not, unless they are caving in someone's head fighting over gift bargains.
MR BAD IDEAS' FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SHOWS
There are four Christmas shows that I have to watch every year or the Christmas season is not complete. Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, and that show about ROLLO.
LOOKING FOR A LADY'S LEG LAMP?
50,000 people from all over the country will tour Ralphie's house from THE CHRISTMAS STORY. Located in Cleveland, it is the actual house where they filmed the movie. A San Diego entrepreneur bought it sight unseen from an auction on EBAY, then remodeled it to look exactly like it did in the movie. He had to change the interiors because they were different than what was filmed on a soundstage in Toronto.
You can also eat at the official Chinese restaurant (C & Y Chinese Restaurant) where Ralphie's family had to eat Christmas dinner after the Bumpass's smelly dogs destroyed the turkey. Waiters recreate the famous movie scene by bringing the duck to the table then chopping off the head with a giant cleaver. You can buy an elf hat from the actress that played Santa's worst helper ever. She hand sews them.
If you can't make it to Cleveland you can order an actual size LADY'S LEG LAMP to set in your front window just like Ralphie's dad's major award.
YOU'LL GET WORMS
Egg Nog is a concoction of milk and eggs and an alcoholic beverage. Unrefrigerated eggs and milk go bad quickly so the alcohol was added to keep you from becoming deathly ill.
In ye olde days, most drinks were alcoholic for the same reason. People, then had sense. Now many, including MRS BAD IDEAS, throw caution to the wind- eating raw cookie dough and cookie dough ice cream and risking getting worms.
WE NEED A LITTLE CHRISTMAS RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE
On November 11th they lit the Christmas tree in Chicago at Macy's (formerly Marshall Field). Instead of being so early, I have always thought that we need all the bright and cheery decorations in January, the gloomiest month of the year. The days are short, the weather is bad and we are all depressed from the crash of the end of the holidays.
THE GAME YOU ALMOST NEVER HEARD OF
Halloween is over and retailers will now be in full swing for Christmas even if we still have Thanksgiving to celebrate first. Read about the game you almost never heard of, but you probably got as a gift once for Christmas or a birthday.
BOO!!!
Originally, Halloween was the day when the peasants dressed in costumes, usually opposite of their station in life, would knock on the door of the Lord of the Manor for trick or treats. If they didn't get a treat, then the lord would get a trick like getting his manor set on fire.
FREE THE PUMPKINS
The droughts this summer have caused a pitiful supply of pumpkins for Halloween. This could be a good thing. There will be less cruelty to pumpkins this year. Just watch this great ugliness:
by Aaron Yonda and Matt Sloan splu.net
HALLOWEEN GOING TO THE DOGS
People are crazy about their pets. Their spending on their pets has doubled in the past five years to $34 Billion a year.
Dressing your pet in a Halloween costume is becoming increasingly popular.
I know someone who is going to dress their Pit Bull in a Yoda costume.
You can get a Wacko Jacko Mask for $30 at FrightCatalog.com
JUST OK BOWL
They could not sell all of the seats at the first Super Bowl with Greenbay and Kansas City. Two college marching bands played at half time. There is no recorded record of the first two Super Bowls because the tapes were erased. They thought no one would ever want to see them again. Pete Rozell, the NFL commissioner wanted to call it THE BIG ONE. Kansas City Chiefs' owner Lamar Hunt thought of the name after watching his kids play with a Super Ball.
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY
The United States is the greatest country with the greatest economic system on earth. It is so strong and resilient that a lot of people can live a cushy life and even get rich railing against it.
Former box office champion SOUND OF MUSIC aired on cable for the first time this Easter weekend. ABCFamily has paid $3 million for the exclusive rights to show it for the next three years.
Filmakers take dramatic license to make films more interesting. If the Von Trapp family had really climbed that mountain at the end of the movie to escape the Nazis they would have been heading into Germany, not Switzerland. The audience smiling with feelings of relief and well being as the "Climb Every Mountain" music plays should instead be screaming "Stop, you're going the wrong way. Turn around!"
WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR
Monday, January 15th is the day that most people give up on their New Year's Resolution which brought the total resolutions dropped to 90%. There should be no wait for the exercise machines at the gym from now on.
IT'S ALL OVER NOW, BABY BLUE
A Canadian company that specializes in divorces, ran an ad in a Toronto newspaper with this headline:
"Holidays Are Over - You Can Stop Pretending Now."
MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
When my mother-in-law begins to scream and shout, through the window I would like to throw her out. I resolve not to do it here is why. I'm afraid of hitting someone passing by.
---Spike Jones & His City Slickers
THE GIFT THAT CEASES GIVING
It turns out Gift Cards are almost as big of a scam to give for Christmas as a lottery ticket. If you don't spend your Gift Card fast enough the value of the card disappears. Some cards have expiration dates. Some start charging maintenace fees until the value is gone- $2 a month, $5 dollars a month, $25 after so many days and another $25 after so many days. The stores or credit card companies get a big pile of money from the buyers which they can earn interest on until they have to pay out. A certain percentage of cards will never be redeemed. They get an interest free loan and then have the gall to charge you for letting them keep it for you. The money is not piled up in a vault. There is nothing to maintain. They don't even need a janitor to dust it every now and again.
I wish you a Happy New Year, but since some people never find anything to be happy about should I wish them- Don't Get Killed on the Way Home?
GREASY KID STUFF
Vitalis was the sponsor for the Sun Bowl last year. I didn't know that Vitalis, big in the 50's and 60s, was still around. I speculated that the next we would see The Butch Wax Bowl. I was wrong. Vitalis was replaced by Brut. I now predict the next bowl will be the Hai Karate Bowl.
HAPPY SPRING EQUINOX
Or, if you are reading this from the southern hemisphere enjoy a Happy Autumn Equinox as you watch the water swirl in the wrong direction when you flush your toilet.
BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!
There, I quoted Shakespeare- JULIUS CAESAR Act I Scene II.
Julius Caeser was assassinated by senators with daggers on the Ides of March, 2051 years ago. "Et tu Brute?"
The ides of the month in the Roman Calendar fell on the 15th of March, May, July and October. The ides fell on the 13th every other month.
HAPPY 3.14159265 DAY
Math geeks around the world are in a tizzie. They celebrated Pi day - March 14th or 3.14. Pi is the constant number used to calculate the area or circumference of a circle. It starts with 3.14159265 and continues to an infinite number of decimal places. Pi maniacs compete to see who can learn the longest string. A Japanese mental health counselor holds the world record by reciting Pi to the 100,000th decimal place. Someone should examine his head.
Just imagine Pi day in 2015. It will be like Y2K.
Coincidentally, it is also Albert Einstein's birthday.
Spring Forward Fall Back
Daylight Savings Time was invented by Benjamin Franklin. Many farmers are against it because the extra hour of daylight tends to burn their crops up. Arizona doesn't have it because they don't need to be any hotter in the summer.
SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER
It is Groundhog Day. Punxsutawney Phil says: Six more weeks of winter. Phil is right 39% of the time. A coin flip would be right 50%. Phil lives on dog food, ice cream and his yearly nip of Groundhog Punch (which gives him immortality).
