BUT,WHAT WILL SPAM EMAIL LOOK LIKE IN 100,000 YEARS?
The good thing about predicting what the future will look like in 100,000 years is you won't be around for anyone to tell you were wrong. Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics predicts in a 100,000 years there will be two kinds of people due to sexual selection. There will be tall intelligent beautiful people and there will be short dimwitted trolls. The women will have glossy hair and pert breasts. The men will have deep voices and large penises.
In 100,000 years, people will probably just be round blobs with a single finger to push the buttons.
FAVORITE HOBBY AND AVOCATION
Durex is running a marketing promotion on their website. They are looking for volunteers to test their prophylactic devices and some volunteers could win prizes. One qualification is being a "sexual intercourse enthusiast." I think this could be the definition in the next edition of your dictionary for MAN.
OOOHH THAT SMELL
Two things we take for granted: flush toilets and sewage treatment. There were no flush toilets until the late 1840s. Unfortunately, they became popular before sewage treatment. In London, the sewage headed straight for the Thames river and became sludge on the banks. England opened a new House of Lords in the early 1850s on the banks of the Thames. The odor was so bad in the new building that they considered abandoning it. If it affects a politician things get fixed. They pledged 3 million pounds and built a sewer for London.
Next time you use the restroom, show some appreciation, but no foot tapping.
NO QUIERO TACO BELL
Experts aren't holding much hope for Taco Bell's plan to open restaurants in Mexico. They'll be competing with the ubiquitous taco stands on every street serving up tasty fare. I'm reminded of the MADTV character "the Taco Purist"- a cook who works at a Taco Bell like place that comes out to chastise customers who have ordered one of their food corruptions.
The experts think Taco Bell should be successful with the stores they are opening in China. Maybe, it will be a success in Mexico. They may look at crispy taco shells wrapped in flour tortillas then fried as exotic food from Mars or California.
DECISIONS, DECISIONS
In a showdown between going deaf after taking Viagra or not having sex, I would bet Viagra would win. The FDA recently claimed that taking an ED drug could make you lose your hearing. Many prescription drugs have side effects worse than the affliction. The pill for Restless Leg Syndrome can cause compulsive gambling and sex addiction. Their is an anti-depressant that claims no sexual side effects. It will make you frisky but a side effect can be wishing you were dead. Just imagine if you are a taker of all three drugs.
THAT WAITRESS JUST TOLD ME TO KISS HER GRITS
Have you ever noticed that in movies where the characters are driving cross country, they never drive on the interstate. They are usually in a hurry, but there they are driving on two lane roads. They buy gas at backwater 1930s era gas stations. They eat at local diners with sassy waitresses. They stay at old motor courts with desk clerks that could be Norman Bates' relative. They never stop at McDonald's, super modern truck stops or Motel 6.
Tom Bodette is on Al Gore's hit list for leaving the lights on at Motel 6.
THE RIGHT WAY TO BEAT YOUR WIFE?
A Saudi cleric and "marriage expert" gave advice on the proper way to beat your wife on his Saudi television show. He says to admonish her up to ten times. If that doesn't work refuse to go to bed with her. If she is happy about that idea then you can beat her but never on the face. You don't want to make her ugly and besides it is also forbidden to beat animals and children in the face.
HARCOURT! HARCOURT FENTON MUDD! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
Artificial intelligence researcher David Levy at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands believes that people will be legally marrying robots by 2050 and the first place to make it legal will be Massachusetts.
Levy writes in his thesis, "Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners," that robots will become so human-like in appearance, function and personality that many people will fall in love with them, have sex with them and even marry. Psychologist have identified at least a dozen reasons why people fall in love.
I hope he is not telling on himself.
CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT EVEN IF YOU WANT TO SQUEEZE THEM TIL THEIR EYES POP OUT
Workers that are most depressed by their jobs are people who deal with the public all day. The happiest workers are people that don't have to deal with the public and have control over their work day- like a surveyor.
NO FUNNY BUSINESS, MISTER
40% of dog owners let their dog sleep on the bed with them. The best birth control method is letting your pit bull sleep on the bed.
BOOBS AND THEIR TUBE
When TV first came out, everybody in the neighborhood would come over to watch the first TV on the block.
When Color TV first came out, everybody in the neighborhood would come over to watch the Peacock.
Then, there was TV in cars.
Then, more than one TV in cars. One rapper who owns a car customizing company, put TVs behind the backseat in her SUV so the car behind her could watch TV.
Now, companies are falling all over themselves to start mobile digital broadcast TV- a high quality picture on cell phones and other wireless devices. Soon, everybody will be walking down the streets like zombies oblivious to what is going on around them. They'll have to pass laws to stop people from walking across streets while watching TV. Kids won't miss their shows when they are sent outside to play.
Moguls are debating how to put porn on cell phones and wireless to make guaranteed big bucks. If you can't leave your house without your porn, you are well on your way to wearing a trench coat with nothing on underneath.
WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?
Some nut has put every UK version of the BEATLES albums on one- one hour cd. To accomplish this feat he sped them all up to 800% as a MP3. Want to listen:
SAVE A CHICKEN. EAT 16 PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY SANDWICHES
While saving the planet by only using one square of toilet paper, the PB&J Campaign suggests eating Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches instead of meat, chicken, ham or fish.
They claim that each sandwich will save 2.5 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions, 93 gallons of water and 12-50 square feet of land from deforestation and other land abuse. It only takes 16 PB&J sandwiches to save a Chicken from a horrible death.
What happens when there is a peanut shortage with skyrocketing prices and forests being cleared to plant more peanuts? What about the trash generated from all of the crusts being cut off?
If you put anything besides cheese in a Grilled Cheese Sandwich can you still call it a Grilled Cheese Sandwich? I say it becomes an AND sandwich.
STRIPPERS MAKE MORE MONEY DURING PEAK FERTILITY
More research money well spent. University of New Mexico researchers hung around strip joints and counted the tips the dancers made. They concluded the strippers made more from lap dances when they were at the peak of fertility in their cycle. They made a lot less if they took birth control pills. The researchers must have had seniority. Rookies get to research if men wash their hands after going to the bathroom.
Maybe, we should start encroaching on the other side of the Mexican border and start placing squatters and herds of Chupacabras. What will the Mexican government's opinion be about a fence, then?
"36" -- MY TV SERIES IDEA
The TV show based on the GEICO cavemen just premiered. It got me thinking about what else could be adapted from a television commercial into a TV show.
My show would star the Cialis Man. Cialis is the Viagra competitor that gives a man with ED a 36 hour window to be ready for sex. The show would be called 36. Each episode would begin with the Cialis man and his wife alone and feeling romantic. No sooner does he take a Cialis, the doorbell rings. They have company that he spends the rest of the show trying to get rid of. Or, he keeps facing a series of calamities that keep him apart from his wife.
At each commercial break, the audience would see the countdown clock. Each episode would end as he finally gets rid of the visitors, or fixes all of the calamities and either the countdown clock would hit 0 or his wife would fall asleep.
MYSPACE SHOULD BE RENAMED F-SPACE
The F-word has been used more in blogs and comments on MySpace pages than it has been used in the whole history of the English language. Many Myspacers even think the highest compliment they can pay to their favorite celebrity is to comment to them that they are "F*#@$ng GREAT!". How nice.
SO BAD IT'S GOOD
Marc Brown, owner of Norton Furniture in Cleveland floods the airwaves with television commercials that many find bad and creepy. But, you can't help notice them. He has a voice that will wake you from a dead sleep to hear his message. The commercials have a sincere message that sticks in the head of the audience that will react to it. PhatPhree takes Marc Brown to a lake front park to personally do his commercial:
Athletes and prize fighters have long refrained from having sex with their honeys before the big fight or game. They have been told that it zaps strength and makes your legs weak.
Different cultures have their own rules for abstinence.
Lepcha people of Tibet and Nepal believe sex within three months of setting a bear trap will result in no bears being trapped.
YO JUST A HOSER ON VACACION, EH
The GAO just released a study that says the Canadian border is not well guarded and is an easy way for terrorists to cross with dirty bomb materials.
Everybody is acting liking this is a brand new revelation. It is news because nobody remembers anything.
During one of my compulsive channel surfing sprees, over a year ago, I came upon a story about the Canadian border on CNN. I think 60 Minutes, also, had a story. They showed a border crossing in northern Minnesota. There was a little white shack with no border guard and no gate or fence anywhere around. A Canadian was coming into the country. He must have only bothered to stop this time because the cameras were there. He went into the little white shack to use the videophone to announce he was coming into the United States. The videophone either didn't work or no one answered. He had to use another phone that looked like a payphone to announce himself.
Not only is the Canadian border the terrorist's border of choice. The northern border is wide open for us to bring 3.2 gallon toilets that really work back home. Mexicans should fly to Canada first for an easier and cheaper time sneaking into the United States. Why pay a Coyote to lock you in a 18 wheeler trailer in 106 degree heat, or in a trunk, or hide you in a gas tank?
ASK TO SEE ED'S PICTURE, FIRST
A New York City Italian restaurant owner got a nasty letter from Bill Clinton's attorney telling him to take Chelsea's picture with the owner off the wall. They were probably trying to put the screws on for a campaign contribution. The restauranteur is milking it for all it is worth. The Lazy News people, always on the lookout for an easy story, are flocking to give him millions of dollars in free publicity.
Former mayor of NYC, Ed Koch, gave away a secret you can use for scoping out restaurants in New York. Restauranteurs are always asking the famous to let them take their picture so they can stick them on the wall. It is a free endorsement. Ed Koch is always polite and agrees. If he liked the food he smiles. If he didn't, he poses with the most dour face he can muster. Who needs Zagats.
Perhaps, Ahmadinejad wanted to visit Ground Zero so he could lay a wreath for the terrorists on the planes.
TIME TO END THE GRAVY TRAIN
The United Nations is a place where a pissant can go to feel important, live in luxury, bad mouth the United States, and call the president names.
According to real estate experts If we turned the United Nations' building in New York City into condos they could be sold for $3.5 million each. The 14,000 square foot residence Kofi Annan lived in provided by the UN would fetch $19 million. The new Secretary- General is living in a hotel while there is a $4.9 million renovation.
NEW FIVE DOLLAR BILL
The newly designed $5 bill has just been unveiled by the Bureau of Engraving. The new bills with have splashes of purple and gray with a big purple 5 in the lower right corner on the backside. When the $20 bill first came out, I got money out of the ATM and immediately drove to Sonic Drive-In for a Dr. Pepper (because I am insane for Sonic's crushed ice). I paid the car hop with the new $20, but she didn't want to take it. She thought I was a loony trying to pay with play money. She was only half right. She had to go inside and ask her boss.
HERE COMES THE BRIDE BIG FAT AND WIDE HERE COMES THE GROOM FROM THE SALOON
Voodoo Doughnuts in Portland, Oregon has been holding weddings since 2003. For $175 you get the wedding ceremony plus coffee and donuts for ten. Voodoo Doughnuts is also known for their doughnuts as big as your head.
WHAT SHOULD I DO NEXT, COACH?
Hollywood idiots are having to get "coaches" to help them get through the day. Owen Wilson hired a "sobriety coach" at $750 a day to tell him not to drink or take drugs.
The judge told Britney Spears to get a "parenting coach". Who knows what that pays?
Celebrities should hire "foot-in-mouth coaches" to tell them that if you keep your mouth shut no one will have a clue how uninformed and stupid you are.
MOST POPULAR TOURIST ATTRACTION IN MINNEAPOLIS
Tourists are flocking to see the bathroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport where Senator Larry Craig was arrested for tapping his toes. They are driving airport vendors crazy asking for directions. They whip out their cameras and snap pictures of the bathroom, the famous stall, and even take pictures of themselves in the stall. Maybe they should rename the bathroom after him. There is money to be made hanging outside the bathroom with a camera.
HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION
Tourists from all over the East Coast are flocking to Scranton, PA. The siren song that lures them to Scranton is the home of the fictional Dunder-Mifflin paper company branch in the TV show THE OFFICE. Forget tropical paradises, fans of THE OFFICE want to see the Scranton mall, Cooper's Seafood House and other local sites mentioned in the show.
This is not uncommon. So many fans of the movie DAWN OF THE DEAD come to the Pittsburgh shopping mall where it was filmed to walk around like zombies, shopper's don't even pay attention to them anymore.
BORAT has turned Kazakhstan into a jumpin tourist destination.
Fans of the movie FARGO have traveled from as far away as Japan to look for the suitcase full of money Steve Buscemi buried in the snow in the wide open no landmarks plains of Minnesota.
Milwaukee is planning to erect a bronze statue of THE FONZ to help spur tourism.
TASTES LIKE CHICKEN
The favorite food dish in Britain 8000 years ago was Roasted Hedgehog. Roast Hedgehog was as popular as Roast Beef is today. Of course, most of their cuisine consisted of things they caught scampering by, leaves and sauces made from fish guts.
IT'S WAY TOO TIGHT, DOC
Researchers say that when it comes to condoms- ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL. This causes breakage and slippage that results in pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease.
The researchers invented the CONDOM FIT AND FEEL SCALE so men can better express their concerns.
Unfortunately, all the men they have found for the study, so far, rate the condoms too tight and too short.
Karl in SLINGBLADE'S favorite joke: Two fellas were standing on a bridge relieving themselves over the side. One fella says "Boy, that water sure is cold. The other fella says "Yea, and it sure is deep, too."
WE'RE LIKE HOGS AT THE TROUGH
Here is more research money well spent. Scientists have concluded that the more food that is put in front of us, the more that we will eat. They tested their theory with popcorn. The larger the box, the more you eat. It even works the same when you are given stale popcorn.
It is the same with other things we buy. If you go to the Warehouse store and buy the 100 roll of toilet paper pack, the more you will use and the farther away you'll get from the SHERYL CROW RULE at each sitting.
IS THE OFFER STILL GOOD?
When Rosie O'Donnell was host of the VIEW she suggested that Britney Spears should come live at her house. She would help Britney get her life straightened out.
Was she planning to string her up like a bat?
C'MON C'MON. LET'S MAKE A BABY
The Johnny Mathis' records were playing.
September 12 th was the annual PROCREATION DAY in Russia. Russians have the day off to get busy. If you can produce a little comrade in 9 months, you can win prizes-an SUV or washing machines, refrigerators, TVs and video cameras .
Life expectancy in Russia is 57 years and the birth rate is low. Actuaries compute that Russia is endangered of becoming a ghost town this century.
WHAT IS THE WORST PART OF THIS STORY
A McDonald's employee in Union City, Georgia was arrested for making a hamburger too salty that was eaten by a police officer. She was charged because it was
"without regards to the well-being of anyone who might consume it."
The 20 year old said she accidentally spilled the salt in the meat. She had no idea who got one of the burgers and ate one herself during her break. She informed her supervisor and co-worker "who tried to thump the salt off".
I once went to a McDonald's and got a hamburger that was barely cooked. I took it back and the counter person took it to the kitchen. I could see the whole staff gather around the burger in the back corner of the kitchen. They all laughed hysterically. The store was staffed with a bunch of punk kids that day. I heard a cook before I placed my order yelling and complaining about a special order he just got- "What is this? Special Grill Day at McDonald's!" The space cadet that took our order instead of giving us our drinks, grabbed a broom and started dancing around while she swept behind the counter. No one was arrested.
NAKED AS A JAYBIRD
An Oakland, California judge determined it was o.k. for a 51 year old carpenter named Percy Honniball to work in the nude. The carpenter says he was just trying to keep his clothes clean. Sawing and hammering in the nude may be stupid, but is not lewd.
Here is a story from two years ago and more reasons to work naked:
WHO NEEDS AMAZON?
There is a bookstore owner that goes to work naked. He says that he has a bad location. He makes up for it with the international publicity he receives.
I wouldn't ask him to point out the non-fiction section.
SUCKERS!
Last year, hordes put down their Beanie Baby collection and camped out at the Apple Store to be the first on their block to own the Iphone.
Some lucky suckers took their Iphone and sold them to bigger suckers at a profit.
Everyone is really impressed now, aren't they?
Apple shortly after dropped the price by $200.
Apple felt really bad so they gave Iphone customers $100. Did they cut all the Iphone customers a check? Companies never write checks. They gave $100 store credit. What? They know a lot of people will never bother to use the store credit and if they do it is better than a coupon. It gets them in the store to buy something else. So, they won't really be giving back $100 for every Iphone that has been sold, they'll be making money.
Fools and their money are soon parted.
THEY ONLY HAD TO ASK GRANDMA
More research money well spent- European scientists ran chimpanzees and human children through a battery of tests. Their conclusion? Human children are smarter than chimps.
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE DIRTY
the worst thing in life is waking up clean without a bean.
A FREEGAN is someone that doesn't eat meat and refuses to pay for food. They dumpster dive behind grocery stores for what they say is perfectly good food that is being tossed out. FREEGANS say they are boycotting consumerism.
It won't be long before a shyster lawyer sues a supermarket when a FREEGAN dies from eating from a botulism tainted can.
HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET OLD
Unless you are Keith Richards, a rock or pop star is twice as likely to die an early death compared to the regular population. The average age of death is 42 in the U.S. and 35 in the U.K.
Researchers looked at 1050 singers and musicians who performed on the Top 1000 albums between 1956-1999. Over 100 are dead.
Who would have thunk it, except everybody?
Congress is back in session. They should vote themselves more vacation time. When they are in session, they feel obligated to pass laws and waste money.
FRIED COKE AND FRIED OREOS ARE SO LAST YEAR
Healthy food fanatics keep railing against the bad foods we eat, but we keep thinking up new things to fry.
The Texas State Fair last year featured Fried Latte and Fried Cookie Dough.
HEALTHIER FARE AT THE STATE FAIR
They now deep fry Oreos, Milky Ways, Twinkies, Coke and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in No Trans-fat cooking oil at the Indiana State Fair.
You could make your Fried Coke even healthier by using Diet Coke.
MILLION DOLLAR CARNIVAL FOOD IDEA
COOKIE DOUGH ON A STICK.
It is beyond me why anyone would risk getting worms and eat raw cookie dough. Many women including Mrs Bad Ideas love it and seem to prefer it over cooked.
WE NEED BETTER HURRICANE NAMES
If a hurricane comes, destroys all of your stuff and ruins your life, you don't want it to have a lame name. It forever becomes part of your identity. Who wants to be a THEODOREVICTIM, DUDLEYVICTIM or MABELVICTIM?
The names should fit well with VICTIM and dance trippingly across the tongue.
GET THE SMELLING SALTS
The company motto of HONEST ED'S in Toronto, Canada:
Welcome, don't faint at our low prices, there's no place to lie down.
POPEYE BEATEN UP CAN'T FIND ANY SPINACH
A California produce company has recalled Spinach suspected of being tainted with Salmonella.
WHERE ARE THE COPS WHEN YOU NEED THEM OR A CANNON?
This morning, I was driving down the road and came to a school zone. I slowed to 20 mph. About half way through the school zone, I turned left and the car behind stepped on the gas and gunned it to 40 mph easy. There were signs with blinking yellow lights, school buses turning into the bus circle, and drivers in other lanes doing 20, but he couldn't see them. He was too busy hanging his head out the window shooting me the finger.
REMIND ME NOT TO PLAY FOOTSIE WITH ANYONE IN THE NEXT BATHROOM STALL
After the news about Senator Craig's arrest for soliciting sex in an airport bathroom, the news media gleefully reporting the secret code perverts use in the bathroom to signal each other. Do we really need to know this? Going in a public bathroom is already creepy enough. I don't talk or look at anyone in the bathroom and get in and out as soon as possible. If you are a senator and go to bathrooms for sex so nobody will know that you're gay, sooner or later you'll get arrested and everyone will know.
Why do they leave the gap underneath the stalls? I guess it is so they can hose it down like a pig pen (which is cleaner).
SO LONG BAT BOY
The WEEKLY WORLD NEWS just published it's last issue. The black and white tabloid at the grocery store checkout line that followed the fugitive life of Bat Boy and claimed Hillary Clinton adopted an alien baby with pictures to prove it has been put to bed.
WEEKLY WORLD NEWS was started in 1979 after the NATIONAL ENQUIRER bought color printing presses and needed something to keep the black and white presses rolling. Most stories started out as weird news stories they clipped that the writers embellished. They reported everything anyone claimed as fact- if you said you knew Elvis was alive and living in Kalamazoo, Michigan they reported it. They worked out of the back of the NATIONAL ENQUIRER office behind a wall that was built after the serious NATIONAL ENQUIRER journalists complained about too much hysterical laughing from WEEKLY WORLD NEWS staff.
I CAN'T DECIDE. DO I WANT A BIG MAC OR DO I WANT A BIG MAC?
Don Gotske of Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin ate his first Big Mac in 1972. He has eaten a total of 22,000 and counting since that day. In fact, he only eats Big Macs. Everyday, he has two Big Macs for lunch and that is all he eats for the day. He always has a few Big Macs in his freezer, just in case a snowstorm prevents his local McDonald's from opening. That must be all he has in his freezer, because if that is all he eats, why would he need a freezer?
Despite his diet, he is in good health, lean and his cholesterol is normal. He doesn't have any stress over what to eat each day.
"They are the best food I've ever eaten," said Gotske. I guess if someone only ate rocks that would be the best food they ever ate.
A PO' MAN'S BIG MAC
Here is how to get a poor man's BIG MAC for a dollar instead of $2.50 - $3.00. Order a Double Cheeseburger from the Value Menu. Have them substitute Big Mac sauce (free) for the mustard and ketchup. You'll have to live without the lettuce and the extra bun unless you are a slick talker.
ILLEGAL REINCARNATERS
China has passed a law that prohibits you from reincarnating without permission from the Chinese government. The law is mostly aimed at the Dalai Lama to keep him from sneaking back into Chinese controlled Tibet by reincarnating when he dies.
I am glad I don't live in China. They would probably reject my reincarnation application.
BREAKFAST: MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY
12% of folks either drink a sodie pop alone or with their breakfast to start their day. Many drink $4 cups of coffee, I get a large 99 cent Dr. Pepper the morning special at Sonic Drive-In (love that Sonic crushed ice). I need to stop typing and go get one.
PUT YOUR LAZY BROTHER-IN-LAW TO WORK
Scientists are working on a way to generate electricity from body heat. Soon, you may be able to put a lazy lie about relative or dog to use by having them charge up batteries while parked on your couch.
ALIENS TAKING OUR JOBS
Network television series are being overrun by legal aliens from the United Kingdom. They use their American accents and you won't be able to tell the difference. It has been going on for years with actors from Australia and the United Kingdom, but the success of HOUSE and lack of good acting jobs there has really opened the flood gates. Hugh Laurie was a British comedy star for years before coming to America. Even their teeth don't give them away.
Indian companies that operate call centers are opening branches in the United States. They are trying to stem backlash of angry customers fed up with having to talk to foreigners they can't understand about their problems.
PLEASE SIR, COULD I HAVE MORE JUNK MAIL
I received a junk mail piece at my business address from the U.S. Post Office. They were offering to send me a DVD that will try to convince me to send out junk mail.
YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH US MR AND MRS SMITH
A man ordered flowers for his girlfriend and the florist sent a thank you note for his business to his house that his wife opened. So, he is suing the national florist.
It is common marketing to thank customers for their business. I think hotels generally refrain from this extra customer appreciation.
YOU LOOK PLENTY SMART TO ME
Bates College in Maine does not look at SAT or ACT scores.
HOME RUN KING
Sadaharu Oh holds the world record for home runs 868 while playing for the Tokyo Giants in the Japanese baseball league. He became a manager after his playing career. He holds the Japanese single season home run record and was accused of intentionally walking and refusing to give hitters anything to hit if they got close to his record.
IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT
The bridge collapse in Minnesota is a tragedy. The reporting overkill is threatening to turn the tragedy into a national phobia. The repetition of the nightmarish images may cause more than a few people to become bridgophobics. They'll slam on the brakes at a bridge like a cat heading for the bathtub. They may have to get liquored up and drunker than Lindsay Lohan to cross one. They may need a psychologist in the back seat to talk them through it. This could create a new profession- A Bridge Coach on call to assure you "everything is going to be all right." The lazy news media will have another easy story to use when they need to fill time.
The way congress attempts to solve problems is to dig a hole and throw money into it.
SAY ANYTHING
Bill Clinton knew it better than anyone. He must have had good teachers. Politicians know that you can say or claim anything and generally no one will check to see if it is true. If they do, it doesn't matter. Even if they prove you are lying, soon nobody will remember what you were lying about.
Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York City, and probable third party presidential candidate just got caught. He told New Yorkers to ride the subway to save the planet just like him. He claims he takes the subway to work every morning. The New York Times watched his morning routine for five weeks. Every morning two SUVs pick him up in front of his house. They drive past the subway station only a five minute walk from his home, and take him 3/4s of the way. His driver drops him off at a station 22 blocks from home and he takes an express subway to city hall. To a politician something is true if it isn't 100% untrue.
WE'VE GOT A DEAL FOR YOU
Another big deal about nothing comes around every August in many states is a SALES TAX FREE DAY for school supplies. People jam the stores and load up. If the stores ran an ad announcing everything 8% off today, nobody would bother.
HAPPY BOTTOM RIDING CLUB
NASA is being rocked by reports of drunk astronauts in space. In the RIGHT STUFF Tom Wolfe told how the original astronaut corp was made up of test pilots known for hard drinking and a penchant for driving cars very very fast. The Happy Bottom Riding Club was a bar just outside Edwards Air Force Base where the test pilots hung out. It was owned by a woman named Pancho Barnes.
SINK WATER, THE VERSATILE BEVERAGE
Most people must assume that their bottled water comes from a pristine pool unsullied by human existence. Pepsi which sells the #1 bottled water- AQUAFINA, will start putting P.W.S. on the labels. P.W.S. stands for public water supply. Pepsi says that they assumed everyone understood when they said it was purified that it had been purified from tap water.
Years ago, I was checking the label of a store brand gallon jug of water. To my surprise, it said that it came from the city water supply of a town in Louisiana that I always associated with refineries and the manufacture of hazardous chemicals.
CRIMINAL MINDS
For every new thing that most people use for good, some see it a new way to rip somebody off. The past few years have seen the rise of the GIFT CARD.
The ripoff I am talking about is not corporate executives rubbing their hands over the piles of free money they will get from unredeemed cards.
The fast growing scam is crooks stealing credit card information, buying Gift Cards with them, then selling the cards on EBay auctions. They not only turn the Gift Cards into a money laundering tool but use EBay as the fence.
HEAVEN KNOWS ANYTHING GOES
In the 1800s, ladies would not lick ice cream in public because it was indecent.
HEY, WHERE ARE ALL THE MOON MAIDENS?
July 20, 1969, the day that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon but failed to bring back any green cheese or moon maidens. Or did they?
BE A GOOD CITIZEN AND PRAY A LAWYER DOESN'T FIND OUT
If you know or see someone planning, making or planting a bomb, tell on them. And, hope you don't get sued.
PORK FAT RULES
Emeril says "pork fat rules". You can make anything taste good if you cook it in pork fat. A Chinese TV news report claimed street vendors made the popular street food- steamed buns filled with meat out of a 60/40 blend of minced up cardboard soaked in bacon grease. The Chinese now say the report was a hoax. They say the reporter supplied the cardboard and got the street vendors to make him a batch while he filmed it. The reporter has been arrested and will probably soon receive the same punishment as the former head of the Chinese FDA.
WE'VE DECIDED TO MAKE A FEW CHANGES
The former head of the Chinese State Food and Drug Administration was guilty of corruption so they took him out and shot him.
"You said your daddy was mean ... but gee." --HERMAN MUNSTER
A BATHROOM IS TO TOILET PAPER AS CONGRESS IS TO TAX MONEY
The House of Representatives just passed a bill earmarking $1 million for the
Center for Instrumented Critical Infrastructure. Sounds important, doesn't it? No one in Congress is sure if it actually exists. Rep. Jeff Flake of Arizona asked the spending sub-committee chairman Rep. Peter J. Visclosky of Indiana if the center was real and Visclosky replied that he had no idea. Flake said his staff could not find a website. Despite the mystery, the move to strike the earmark was defeated and the spending bill passed by large margins.
I think I will start the Center for Replenishment of Certain Depleted Accounts and offer a kickback to ask a congressman to sponsor it for funding.
A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon, you're talking real money.
--Senator Everett Dirkson
45 RPM RECORDS MAKING A COMEBACK
In England, 45 RPM record sales have made a dramatic upsurge and teenagers are the ones buying them. Many have nothing to play them on but they love collecting them for the artwork and it makes them feel like they own something real. Record stores sell frames to put the record sleeves in for display.
I used to love going to a record store that carried every single that was in the Billboard Top 40 since the beginning of the rock n' roll era. I would stay there for hours digging through the bins. Sadly, it has been closed for years. I think this is one of many things that cause me to cry at the end of LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN when the women's teams visit the new wing of the Hall of Fame built for them. It reminds me of things you once did that you can't do anymore.
An old man saw a little boy sitting on the curb crying. The old man asked, "Little boy, why are your crying?" The little boy replied "Cause I can't do what the big boys do." The old man sat on the curb and cried, too.
HOW TO BREAK A CELL PHONE CONTRACT
SPRINT recently kicked out 1000 customers who were constantly calling customer service to whine and complain. Is this the secret to getting out of a long term cell phone contract? Cost them money. Make them want to get rid of YOU?
YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DRINK
New York City has a private fund set up to pay low income people to do things they should do to make their lives better.
They plan to pay $50 to get a library card. They have assured long lines to get a card but nothing else. Wishful thinking is the new card holders will want to check out a book. Getting a customer to the store and getting them to buy are two different things. There is no connection between getting a free $50 and reading anything. How about a free card and incentives to actually read a book? They should plan to send extra street sweepers to pick up all the new library cards laying on the sidewalk.
READ A BOOK public service announcement A rap cartoon video. Funny and good advice. Maybe, someone who needs it will get the message. I believe BET produced it. Caution: offensive language
MUST SEE TV
On Donald Trump's THE APPRENTICE they caught a pair of apprentices sneaking a kiss by the pool, flirting and sometimes taking up for each other. The British version of THE APPRENTICE caught randy apprentices having a zesty session in the shrubery.
BAD BUSINESS IDEA
A cat racing track.
BABY NAMES CHEAP!
Foolish expectant parents are paying nameologists $350 to pick their baby's name because they don't trust themselves to pick a proper one. I have decided to become the Wal-Mart of nameology and undercut the high priced nameologists with discount baby names.
As a father of three children, I have plenty of naming experience. I have a son and twin daughters named Butch, Spike and Rocko.
A New Zealand couple named their child Superman because the name registrar wouldn't allow them to name him 4Real.
ABDUL THE TERRORIST, M. D.
It am not surprised that doctors were involved in the recent terrorism plot in London and Glasgow. Doctors are claimed to be involved in everything.
Last year, Oprah had a show with swingers (once called wife swappers) as guests on her show. They said the magic words. Every weirdo who is interviewed on television always says the magic words to rationalize their perversion- They know doctors and lawyers that also do what they do. It makes me wonder what my doctor has been up to when I go for a checkup.
HE SAW IT. HE SAW THE WHOLE THING
Walter Haut
died in December 2005. He left a sworn affidavit to be opened only after his death.
Lt. Haut was the public-relations officer at the Roswell, New Mexico Army Air Field in 1947 and was the man who issued the original and subsequent press releases about the UFO crash.
Last week, the text of the affidavit was released. It asserts that the claim it was just a weather balloon was a cover story and that the real spaceship had been recovered by the military and stored in a hangar.
He described seeing not just the craft, but alien bodies!
A PERSON THAT SELLS SEX PERSISTENTLY
English mush heads want to remove the stigma of the word prostitute by calling them a person that sells sex persistently. Being called a prostitute makes whores feel bad. Stigma is what makes people not do things. The stigma of being known for something bad makes most people not do the bad thing. Maybe, the stigma of being a fool would stop fools from unstigmatizing bad behavior.
DON'T YAWN
The latest research grant money well spent by yawn scientists shows
the reason that you yawn is to cool off your overheating brain. You don't yawn because you are sleepy. It is your brain's way of saying "Hey, you need to pay attention." Yawning is contagious. When you yawn it is a signal to everyone around you to pay attention. I started yawning from just writing this.
