It is a happy day for landowners in Colorado. The Wildlife commission will allow them to use a propane mixture to blow up prarie dogs. Landowners have tried to vacuum, poison and blow their heads off with shotguns but they can't keep up. Animal rights activists would just as soon see the landowners go live in a box in New York City than harm the little critters. Landowners say prarie dogs are just "rats with shovels".
ANOTHER POTENTIAL DEVIOUS AL-QAEDA TERRORIST PLOT
A pilot left the cockpit during a recent flight to go to the bathroom, then got locked out. The flight attendants removed the hijacker-proof door with a screw driver. This set the wheels in the ever scheming Al-Qaeda brains in motion.
Terrorists are now plotting to lurk around bars where pilots hangout to drop diuretics in their "eye opener" before they get up to go fly their planes.
ASK MR BAD IDEAS
Yarbvon: Any thought on how to stop the neighbours dogs from howling all night, short of killing them? I really need some sleep.
MR BAD IDEAS: You could leave their gate open or you could move. If you leave the gate open you might have to do both.
Mr Bad Ideas is not responsible for anyone's neighbor shooting anyone that follows his advice.
THANKS BIG MOUTH
Tom Fatjo was a young CPA who owned a house in a suburban neighborhood. Trash collection in his neighborhood was terrible, so he brought it up at a Home Owners Association meeting. One neighbor at the meeting snidely said "Why don't you go be a garbageman." So, Tom Fatjo bought a truck and got a contract from the Home Owner's Association. He took time off from his CPA business and even drove the truck the first month or so. The neighbor probably snickered as he drove by and laughed about it at cocktail parties. Fatjo decided he liked being a garbageman. Soon, he had fifteen trucks. The mayor of the city called because burning trash was being outlawed and asked if he wanted to operate a landfill. He said o.k. Later, he went around the country and talked to other garbage business owners to learn about the garbage business. He decided to build it into a national business. It became BFI and Tom Fatjo is now worth hundreds of millions. It all started because of one loud mouth who looked down his nose at garbage.
DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY
Scientist recently increased the chances of the asteroid 99942 Apophis striking the earth with enough force to wipe out New York City in 2038 from 1 in 5500 to 1 in 30,000. They won't know for sure until 2029 when it will pass less that 20,000 miles from earth, closer than some satellites.
I LOVE MYSELF I THINK I'M GRAND WHEN I GO TO THE MOVIE I HOLD MY HAND
Most Hollywood phonies claim they hate to see themselves up on the screen and avoid seeing their movies and TV shows. Everyone knows they are lying. If I was an actor, I would find it hard to take time to watch anything else but me. Samuel L. Jackson, is also not afraid to admit it. He loves to watch his movies in crowded theaters. While channel surfing, if he finds something he is in, he will stop and watch it. Samuel L. Jackson's films have the highest grossing box office of any actor in the history of movies.
GLOBAL WARMING CAN HELP WITH DINNER
With the extra hot temperatures this summer, you can save on electricity or natural gas usage by cooking dinner on the dashboard of your enclosed car.
AND YOU'RE WORRYING ABOUT BIRD FLU?
Purell hand sanitizer's new advertising campaign will remind folks that not only are the magazines in the doctor's office waiting room ancient, a parade of sick people have touched, sneezed and coughed on the pages.
PEANUT BUTTER CONTROVERSY
One of the 132 test questions they used to find the most ordinary American was: Peanut Butter, Creamy or Crunchy? An ordinary American favors Creamy.
Mrs Bad Ideas likes Creamy and I like Crunchy. I am too cheap to buy separate peanut butters so I have solved the problem. We buy creamy. When I make a sandwich, I either sprinkle fake bacon bits or crumble potato chips on top. Eureka! Crunchy peanut butter.
The Wheel Inn in Sedalia, Missouri makes the Guber Burger. A hamburger with peanut butter smeared on the meat. --EAT-O-RAMA
A POEM BY
I never saw a purple cow I never hope to see one But I can tell you anyhow I'd rather see than be one
YOUR MONEY IS NO GOOD HERE
We have a friend who had a water bill that was overdue. To avoid having their water cut-off they had to go down to the water department to pay in person. They thought they would need cash and went to the ATM. The friend lives in a large metropolitan city. When they tried to pay the bill with cash, they were told the water department did not accept cash- They would have to write a check or get a money order.
POOR PITIFUL ME
I drive past a place nearly everyday that makes and sells concrete statues and birdbaths. Mrs. Bad Ideas refuses to allow me to buy the giant Gorilla statues to put in our yard.
SOMETHING'S ROTTEN IN WASHINGTON DC
Senators are shuddering and their skin is crawling. More and more visitors to the Senate office building are disregarding the SENATORS-ONLY sign on the elevator. Senators, the kings of DC, are actually having to share an elevator with the riff-raff. If it wasn't bad enough when they have to ride with the rabble in coach on an airplane.
PLAYING IN THE TRAFFIC
I saw a bum with a crutch at an intersection holding a sign, begging and walking in the street to collect handouts. The sign said he needed money because he had been run over by a car.
YOU'VE BEEN PUNKED. I'M A GENIUS.
Isn't it a shame that Punk'd has replaced "smile you're on Candid Camera." Punk'd is mean spirited- I am better than you. Candid Camera ends with everyone sharing the joke together.
CHICO'S BAIL BONDS- "Let Freedom Ring"
Advertisers are hungry to stick advertisements anywhere and everywhere. U.S. Airways is considering selling ad space on Barf Bags. Some couples are going "Star Jones" with their wedding plans, trading advertising for discounts on things they need for the wedding and reception. During the ceremony, the bride and groom spend a fair amount of time with their backs to the wedding guests. Just think, they could sell ad space on their backs like on a Little League uniform.
MUSIC DOWNLOADS FINALLY AVAILABLE
Metallica has finally deemed to allow Napster and Itunes to sell their songs. But,
if you have torn your hair out searching for the 1982 hit PACMAN FEVER by Buckner & Garcia for your MP3 player, the only place you can buy it for download is at bucknergarcia.com. Have your 99 cents ready.
THIS IS THE BIG ONE, I'M COMIN TO JOIN YA, ELIZABETH
The new trend in fast food is the hamburger with huge stacks of meat to appeal to young men. None of the big chains hold a candle to the HEART ATTACK GRILL in Tempe, Arizona. The waitstaff are called nurses and wear candy-striper uniforms. The nurses prescribe combo meals with half-pound patties. You can get the Bypass, Double Bypass, Triple Bypass and the Quadruple Bypass. The meals come with unlimited fries cooked in lard and huge drink- the cost $11-$17.
They sell 3 Triple Bypasses a day and about 4 Quadruples a week. If you can finish a Quadruple a nurse will push you to your car in a wheelchair.
SETTLE DOWN OR I'LL PUT YOU TO BED WITHOUT ANY CELL PHONE!
There are 2.5 billion cell phones in the world and 212 million cell phones in the United States. People seem to form obsessive attachments to this or that and some psychologists say that cell phones have become the new cigarettes. People bolt out of the movie theatre and have to immediately whip out their cell phone and call someone--anyone. In an experiment, 200 college students were asked to give up their cell phone for 72 hours. Only 3 were able to. Some were probably getting the shakes. Cell phone companies are pushing their product on younger and younger customers-the 7 and 8 year old set. I just saw a family cell phone plan from DISNEY MOBILE. Could 3 year old customers be far away?
MR BAD IDEAS PLAN FOR MAKING A MILLION DOLLARS
Here is my plan for becoming a millionaire which I am giving to you for free before I start selling it on 3:30 in the morning infomercials.
My plan is similar to what a college kid from Montreal did on the web. He started with a paper clip and traded it for a pen. Then traded it for something worth more than a pen. He kept trading- got an evening with Alice Cooper. He eventually traded up to a house located in a wilderness town in western Canada. Trading up to a house was his original goal.
Here is the Mr Bad Ideas Plan for Making a Million Dollars. Buy something for a dollar that someone will buy for $2, Take that $2 and buy something you can sell for $4. Buy something for $4 you can sell for $8. Buy and repeat this 21 times and you are a MILLIONAIRE. You'll have to figure out what to buy and sell.
If you are impatient- start with $10, buy and repeat 18 times. Start with $100- 15 times. Why stop at a MILLION, you are only 16 more steps to passing Bill Gates.
THE NEW YORK TIMES WOULDN'T APPROVE
The History Channel has been running programs about the real Pirates of the Caribbean due to interest spurred by the big box office from the movie.
When the British tracked down Blackbeard and killed him, the Captain cut off his head and carried it around as a souvenir.
If the New York Times had been around, they could have made a stink about this for years.
RESEARCH FOR THE STUPID
Researchers have found that quitting smoking causes immediate improvement for sufferers of asthma.
MORE RESEARCH MONEY WELL SPENT
Tickling yourself doesn't work.
Canada's Queens University Center for Neurosciences discovered why. Your body is not surprised because it had warning of what you were up to.
99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL
A Japanese beer company now makes a non-alcoholic beer for kids called KIDS' BEER.
Their slogan, "Even kids can't stand life unless they have a drink." Maybe, they can bundle a pack of bubblegum cigarettes with it.
While they are at it, get them hooked on debt with credit cards for little kids.
YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN
I don't go for EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT advertising gimmicks. I am holding out for the discount they give to their Grandma.
AND YOU EXPECT TO WIN THE RECOUNT?
Leftist presidential candidate Obrador did an Al Gore impression demanding recounts and claiming he really won last year's Mexico presidential election.
8% of Mexican incomes goes to pay bribes.
Buying gasoline in Mexico is one big shakedown. 85% of the gas pumps are rigged to pump less than the meter says. All of the gas stations are Pemex franchises and Pemex sets the price, so there is no competition. Gas station owners don't post prices and have been known to water down the gas.
The attendants dressed in Pemex uniforms are not paid employees. They wrangle for tips, short change and quick change customers that are not paying attention.
Mexican citizens can deduct gasoline purchases off their income tax. For a good tip the attendants will be happy to write you a receipt for any amount that you want.
HOME OF THE GARBAGE PLATE
After the bars close, Rochester, New York college students risk their lives getting to Nick Tahou Hots to eat their beloved belly bomber of a meal- The Garbage Plate.
I saw a commercial for a mail order CD of Southern Rock songs. They started out with songs by Greg Allman, Lynyrd Skynyrd, 38 Special. They kept listing off bands. Some of them I thought- "I didn't know they were from the south". The list continued. They came to GOLDEN EARRING and their hit RADAR LOVE. Wait a minute! GOLDEN EARRING is Dutch. What is the criteria for this CD? Are they songs from a box of old 8-tracks found in an abandoned rusty truck in a ditch in Mississippi?
LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY
Here is today's new phrase: TATTOO REGRET
I heard it on a radio ad for a cream that is supposed to fade tattoos. Maybe, defense lawyers can use it for a victimhood defense:
You can't blame Roadchain Bill, He did it because he is suffering from Tattoo Regret.
HOW BIG A TIP DILEMMA
Mrs Bad Ideas and I went out to eat at a popular diner that just reopened after moving because of road construction. We were promptly seated and given menus by the host. We scanned the menus and laid them down, then sat there looking around. It was early and not busy. There were plenty of waiters/waitresses running around or standing around. We were sitting in the closest of three booths off to the side of the big dining area in clear view of the kitchen. Minutes passed- no waiter. I had time to admire the ceiling. Mrs Bad Ideas noticed the hands on the clock were not moving. Had we entered the Twilight Zone?
Still no waiter. I flagged down a manager who pulled out some paper napkins from the holder and wrote down our order. A waiter brought me a salad. Another brought the drinks. Another delivered the food. Another took our plates. Everyone was prompt. And, then we sat looking at the clock not moving and waiters/waitresses flying everwhere or standing around picking their teeth. We even looked at and talked to each other. I gave up and flagged down another manager to ask for a check. She brought the check which you paid up front.
We could have disappeared without the check and no one would have noticed. We didn't really have a waiter. I had one idea about the tip. Mrs. Bad Ideas had another.