Have you ever wondered what the girls on the GIRLS GONE WILD videos get for exposing themselves to the world? They get a T-shirt, a pair of panties, a trucker's hat, a lifetime of leers from strangers and probably a parade of stalkers and blackmailers.
LOL BFF TTL OK
It started with email and IM then spread to cell phone texting. Kids vie to be the fastest texter in town using abbreviations that make old folks scratch their heads. Abbreviating wasn't born yesterday. Creating comical abbreviations with misspellings for phrases was all the rage in the 30s and 40s. The 1830s.
OK is a survivor of the fad although texters have shortened it to K. OK stands for oll korrect. Some that didn't last are OW-oll wright KY-know yuse SP-small potatoes KG-know go NS-nuff said.
MY FAVORITE
TELEVISION COMMERCIALS
My favorite television commercials are for prescription drugs.
I love listening to the horrible side effects they list.
The sleeping pill with the butterfly logo warns you not to take their pill then get in a car and drive. One of the side effects listed: it will make you drowsy or knock you out instantly.
My former favorite drug commercial is for the anti-depression without sexual side effects drug. Among the terrible discomfortable side effects are thoughts of suicide. So, you'll be horny and not depressed, but wish you were dead.
My new favorite side effect is from one of the two page magazine drug ads. A possible side effect from REQUIP which controls Restless Leg Syndrome- compulsive gambling, and Hypersexuality. Loved ones of those showing this change in behavior are advised to tell the person's physician immediately.
MR BAD IDEAS TIME SAVING TIP
Have two automatic dishwashers. You won't have to waste time unloading it. You run the dishwasher then leave the clean glasses and dishes in it. Put your dirty dishes in the other dishwasher. Repeat.
WORKING LIKE A DOG
If someone says they have been "working like a dog" does that mean they have been curled up on the couch asleep?
YOU SEE A BLANK SPACE, I SEE AN OPPORTUNITY
You may soon start seeing advertising on garbage trucks. Glad trash bags just finished test marketing garbage truck advertising in New York City. You have only encouraged them. Sales went up 2%. Marketers have thought about advertising on airline barf bags and the security check point plastic bins. You wonder what took them so long to hone in on garbage trucks. When they run out of blank space to slap an ad on, they may start leasing the back of your eyelids so you can look at their logos while you sleep.
TALES FROM THE HOV LANE
The Houston, Texas Metro Police are cracking down on HOV lane cheaters. Everyone has heard about putting mannequins in your car to look like passengers. They claim they have caught drivers with fluffed up pillows wearing ski caps. They didn't say if they were caught on a summer day.
IN MY DAY
Have you noticed how many plots of movies that were made not that long ago are out of date because of the cell phone. Who looks for a pay phone? Just a little over ten years ago it looked completely ridiculous when the rich girls in CLUELESS walked side by side talking to each other on a cellphone. Now, it is not that funny.
HOTTER THAN STARBUCKS
Looking for a business to start? Buy some sewing machines and open a Sewing Lounge. Rent machines by the hour and sell snacks and coffee to a modern day sewing circle.
A few years ago, sewing machine companies were going out of business, but with the success of the television show PROJECT RUNWAY, everyone now wants to be a designer.
ISN'T THAT WHY THEY WERE CLOSED ON SUNDAY?
Washington state is experimenting with allowing booze sales on Sunday at some of it's state owned monopoly liquor stores. So far, it has been a BIG success. Drunks no longer have to rush down to the ABC store to load up by closing time on Saturday. They can take life more leisurely. Sunday sales provides the customer with JIT convenience. Instead of investing in inventory they can buy it "just in time" to get their drink on. No one will have to take a day off from sitting alone in their room clutching a glass, shaking their head ruefully and muttering "If only." State officials claim part of the money will be used for funding an alcoholism prevention program.
Can you win if people on your side are kneecapping your warriors with a pipe?
MOM ALWAYS LIKED YOU BEST
At the end of an episode of 24, Jack Bauer had his brother tied up to a chair and was torturing him to get vital information out of him. I am sure this set off millions of fantasies in the audience about doing the same to their brother or sister.
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
About a year ago, I wrote about seeing a bum at an intersection holding a sign- I NEED A BEER WHY LIE. Yesterday, I read a newspaper story about another hobo on the other side of the country with the same sign. Is this a new trend?
The story said the unemployed brain surgeon had a cell phone and his record take was $120 in 4 hours.
DO YOU THINK THEY WILL ALLOW ADS FOR GUNS?
First, the airlines were thinking about advertising on Barf Bags. Now,
the Transportation Security Administration is finalizing guidelines for advertising on airport security bins. Probably the only thing anyone would be interested in buying right then is a gun.
I'VE JUST GOT TWO WORDS: LEAD WALLETS
In the movie THE GRADUATE, Dustin Hoffman is wandering around the room at a graduation party put on for him by his parents. His parent's friends keep walking up to him with career advice. One friend delivers the famous line "I want to say one word to you. Just one word. Are you listening? - Plastics."
Here is an opportunity. The growing trend is credit cards that you don't have to swipe. You just have to wave them in front of a box and your transaction is completed. This helps pickpockets pick you pocket without reaching into your pocket. They can walk past you and electronically steal your radio frequencies. Thus you would be wise to get into lead wallets and purses.
VANISHING SWAG
At large film festivals and award shows there are rooms set aside where Movie Stars can pick up their Bag of Schwag. Schwag is free stuff that marketers give away on the chance that the stars will be photographed wearing or using their stuff. Swag often includes expensive watches and invitations for free trips to exclusive resorts. Some bags of schwag can total freebies worth $100,000. The promoters giving the schwag think of it as cheap advertising.
Recently, the IRS caught wind of this and decided that schwag isn't a gift. Like everything else they want to tax it. This is causing an emptier schwag bag. The Golden Globes recently announced that the gift bags would be limited to a maximum of $600, so they won't have to send out 1099 forms.
JUNIOR ARCHITECT KITS
Frank Lloyd Wright is considered the greatest architect of the 20th century, but did you know what one of his sons is famous for?
John Lloyd Wright is the inventor of LINCOLN LOGS- the toy that has inspired many junior architects. He got the idea from his father's earthquake proof design for the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo.
Is what the headlines would have read ala IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE if Momofuko Ando had never been born. Ando died recently at the age of 96. He was the inventor of RAMEN Noodles.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
Katie Couric made a comment after a story on the Home Depot executive getting $200 million payoff to leave after 6 years of flat sales-
"Nice work if you can get it."
Katie makes $14 million a year to make the ratings go down and is making a comment like she is a $30,000 a year office worker?
COULD IT BE BECAUSE THE ONLY PEOPLE SHE TALKS TO IN AMERICA ARE HOLLYWOOD IDIOTS?
Gwyneth Paltrow insulted Americans by saying she much prefered the British lifestyle. She said. "The British were much more intelligent and civilized than Americans." She thinks that dinner party chat is more interesting and intelligent. Could it be because the only people she is around and talks to in America are Hollywood idiots?
SHE WOULD GIVE THE CARS AWAY, BUT HER HUSBAND WON'T LET HER-- HE'S CRAZY!
They are opening a car showroom in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia with an all woman sales staff. They will sell the cars to other women. Women can sell cars in Saudi Arabia. They can buy and own cars. It is against the law for a woman to drive a car in Saudi Arabia.
IT'S NUMBER ONE IT'S TOP OF THE POPS
Unless the U.K. changes their copyright laws, the Beatles and Rolling Stones copyrights to their early songs will start running out in 2013. Copyrights in the U.K. are currently good for 50 years. They keep extending the copyrights in the U.S.A. as Mickey Mouse approaches the latest expiration date.
What Paul Hogan did for Austrailian tourism, Borat has done for Kazakhstan. Common wisdom would say that Borat would ruin what little interest there was in visiting Kazakhstan. The opposite has happened. The government of Kazakhstan may decide he is not such a bad guy.
THE CARPET AND CURTAINS DON'T MATCH
In the movie MASH, they yanked down the shower stall while Hot Lips Houlihan was using it to get proof for a bet of her "natural hair color". If Hot Lips used the new personal dye product named BETTY BEAUTY this would no longer work. One color option is Hot Pink.
WOULD USING EUNUCHS BE AGAINST THE GENEVA CONVENTION?
The town of Patna, India has hired 20 eunuchs to collect past due property taxes and water bills. Eunuchs are castrated men who were once used to work in Indian rulers' harems. These days they are reduced to dancing at weddings and blessing newborn babies for tips.
The town hired the eunuchs because they say the eunuchs are stubborn and do not take no for an answer. They will sing, chant and do lewd dances until the debtor gives in and pays up.
If the mob ran into a shortage of legbreaking goons, they could hire the groups that once harrassed you at the airport to sing, chant and dance to help collect protection money.
EVERYBODY RUN TED NUGENT HAS GOTTA GUN
For some reason Quicksilver Guitars and Ted Nugent put their heads together to design an electric guitar with a built-in derringer.
I AM THE KING I AM THE KING
Toronto recently hosted the 5th annual ROCK, PAPER, SCISSOR World Championship . 500 contestants including national champions from around the world competed for the RPS title.
I am planning the Staring Contest world championship
ASK MR BAD IDEAS
Tina: I am looking for wedding ideas. I want to hack off the mother in law. I want to
embarrass her, humiliate her in front of her friends for sticking her big
nose into my wedding plans.
MR BAD IDEAS: How about midgets wearing sombreros that hold chips and dips they serve to the guests.
THE OL' LADY IS ALWAYS THROWIN OUT MY STUFF
Britney Spears is making K-Fed get rid of his six pet sharks. Even though he loves them and has names for them, as a mother, she doesn't believe it will be good for the sharks to be around her two children.
What is wrong with nicknaming the kids Stump and Four Fingers Federline? K-Fed would think they were cool.
EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS A LIE
Political ads are all lies. They make statements that are true, but they don't tell you the whole truth. They keep the part that makes them look good and their opponent look bad.
AND YOU THOUGHT A MOVIE TICKET IN NEW YORK CITY WAS EXPENSIVE
It cost as much as $30 to go to a movie in South Korea.
OSAMA CALLING
If the NSA is prohibited in the future from listening to telephone calls from known Al-Qaeda terrorists overseas to people in the United States, Osama wouldn't have to send tapes to Al-Jazeera with code words hidden in his diatribes. Osama could personally call to tell the sleepers exactly what to do next.
DOING MY DUTY
I just got back from jury duty for a traffic court I didn't know you could be called for jury duty. They had 238 cases, but they all settled so we got to go home. I will get $6 for the trouble plus the parking was free. I have served on the jury for civil, criminal and Federal courts. For some reason, I always get picked. I thought they must think I am normal until I heard the mayor on the radio in a public service announcement say that only 15% show up for jury duty. I guess I am really abnormal.
A 1928 PORTER, THAT'S MY MOTHER DEAR SHE HELPS ME THROUGH EVERYTHING I DO... MY MOTHER THE CAR
You have hundreds of them swimming around in your head. You may not remember your own phone number, but you know the words and tune to the opening theme songs to TV shows. They stick in your head forever. TV bean counters are steadily dumping them because they don't see any business advantage. They want to jump from one show to another without interruption before you realize the show you were watching is over. No bathroom breaks.
Obviously, they don't know anything about entertainment or selling. You have to warm up the crowd and make friends with them before you can expect them to stick with you. You are ingrained with the theme songs from your favorite classic TV shows. The shows have become your friends. If you hear their theme song from another room your brain tells you to get in there and watch.
WORD OF THE DAY
The word of the day is CONCEPTIONMOON. This is when couples leave home and all distractions behind to relax and concentrate on one thing- MAKING A BABY.
WE (heart) GREASE!
The food police keep trying to force us to eat healthier, but people keep thinking of new things to fry. The stars of state and county fairs are Fried Twinkies, or Fried Oreos or Fried Candy Bars. The newest craze for the fry basket is FRIED COKE. They make a batter, pour Coke in it, scoop out a ball and throw it in the fryer. I'm a Dr Pepper man, I suppose that would work, too.
If you want to make your FRIED COKE healthier, use Diet Coke without caffeine.
Now, they think lettuce is contaminated with E- Coli. Play it safe. Eat Fried Coke.
BULLETIN: The Atlantic Chip Shop in Brooklyn, NY makes FRIED PIZZA. It is cold pizza dipped in batter then deep fried. They got the idea from Scotland which has long served this delicacy.
OUT, OUT DAMN SPOT
The Ancient Romans dry cleaned their clothes with urine. The ammonia in urine did the trick and the ammonia was derived from distilling the urine. Roman apartment dwellers would haul their chamber pots down to a central area and dump it into big cistens where it would be taken for recycling.
MR BAD IDEAS FLASHBACK (from about 6 months ago)
YO JUST A HOSER ON VACACION, EH
And, we are debating about building a giant fence on the Mexican border?
During one of my compulsive channel surfing sprees I came upon a story about the Canadian border on CNN. They showed a border crossing in northern Minnesota. There was a little white shack with no border guard and no gate or fence anywhere around. A Canadian was coming into the country. He must have only bothered to stop this time because the cameras were there. He went into the little white shack to use the videophone to announce he was coming into the United States. The videophone either didn't work or no one answered. He had to use another phone that looked like a payphone to announce himself.
Mexicans should fly to Canada first for an easier and cheaper time sneaking into the United States. Why pay a Coyote to lock you in a 18 wheeler trailer in 106 degree heat, or in a trunk, or hide you in a gas tank?
GIVE 'EM THE OLD RAZZLE-DAZZLE
I have long marveled at how SUBWAY SANDWICHES convinced everyone that their sandwiches were diet food instead of being seen as scrooges for being so skimpy with the meat and cheese. I didn't know you could slice cheese that thin.
HOW ACCURATE ARE POLLS?
The staple of the LAZY NEWS is to quote the latest poll or survey handed to them and act like it is the absolute truth. It helps use up some air time. How accurate are polls and surveys? ABC's 20/20 did a show on laziness. They hired people and paid them $200 to walk the streets asking survey questions. Some were gogetters. Some were slackers. If someone walked off before finishing the survey, one slacker would fill in their answers for them. Another would just fill out a whole survey so they could keep their survey count up.
Marketers are saying that so many people refuse to participate in surveys that there is a marketing research crisis. They call it OPINION FATIGUE.
STARBUCKS in their quest to "try to take over the world" has decided that 12,000 restaurants and a goal of 20,000 is not ambitious enough. STARBUCKS' new goal is 40,000 coffee shops. I believe this may require shops on all four corners of an intersection instead of the two found in some locations.
YOUR BOYFRIEND MIGHT BE GAY
If he calls Barbara Streisand BABS, stood in line for tickets for her upcoming concert and is not taking you.
SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE
The world's surface temperature has increased 1 degree in the last hundred years. Has Al Gore, the self appointed prophet/profit of global warming, considered that the world's population has quadrupled since 1900. That is 5 billion extra 98 degreers. That is an extra 500 billion degrees. Buddy, you are melting the ice. This must be true. You are reading it on the internet.
YEA. THAT'S THE TICKET
For everyone that has done something famous there seems to be an impostor. A man that died recently had claimed to his wife that he was the writer of the 1960 hit ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENEY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI. The real writer of the song had a similar name. He probably figured it was a safe claim- who would ever check. The wife told the world that he died.
It came as a shock to the actual writer when his grandchildren started calling to see if he was dead (vultching for his ITSY BITSY money?). He has the royalty checks and a co-writer to vouch that he is the real guy. The dead guy told his wife that he had sold his royalty rights when he was 19 and that is why the royalty checks weren't rolling in.
The dead guy's wife wonders why the real guy is staining her husband's reputation. She says he has the royalties, why does he have to out her husband as a liar?
My real name is the same as a famous dwarf actor and a former major league pitcher. I never thought about claiming to be them. I just stole the name from some not famous guy named Bad Ideas instead.
DOES ANYBODY LOOK OUT THE WINDOW ANYMORE?
According to Nielsen Media Research there are more TV sets (2.73) than people living (2.55) in the average home. There are some SUV's with more TVs than most houses.
NEXT DIABOLICAL TERRORIST PLOT?
Could the ever scheming terrorists be planning to taint Natural Male Enhancement products? The results would be a mystery as no one would admit to needing or using them. They should insist the government beef up security.
DOH!
900 Million pounds of Play-Doh have been made since it's invention in 1956 (That's 50 years!). It really is dough made out of wheat flour with other things added to keep it from molding or getting hard. Originally, it was meant to be wallpaper cleaner.
MOTHER HUBBARD IS CREEPING ME OUT
I have always accepted the nursery rhyme about Mother Hubbard getting her dog a bone without question. I just heard someone reciting it and started wondering why Old Mother Hubbard was hiding bones in her cubbard? Do you keep bones in your cupboard? What were the bones and hopefully not who were the bones?
Was this her sinister way of disposing of victims? Dogs will go bury their bones. Call CSI.
WANNA BUY SOME BRINE SHRIMP?
Find out everything you ever wanted to know about Sea Monkeys
PUTTIN THE BIG BRITCHES ON GRANDMA
Over 750,000 Americans still lease rotary phones from the phone company- mostly older people who have lived in their house for 30, 40, 50 or more years and just never thought about buying a phone. Some pay almost $15 dollars a month- pure profit.
