Truckers, unwilling to stop for a bathroom break, are filling up milk jugs while they roll down the highway. Then, down goes the window and it is bombs away.
And it continues.DREAMERS
There is a group of idealists that say that the country is so politically divided it needs a new plan. They are starting the Unity party which will run both a Republican and a Democrat on the same President/Vice President ticket. They say likely candidates would be those that come up short in their parties primaries.
For every brilliant plan someone pats themselves on the back for there is the law of unintended consequences to deal with. If their candidates won, they would have to hire extra secret service agents just to protect the President from the Vice-President.
"I wonder who is at the door. Or, maybe it's a what."
THEY ARE WATCHING YOUR PHONE CALLS
Some people are worried about the government surveillance of their phone records. They probably aren't worried about American Idol watching them.
An American Idol executive says he is not concerned about "vote for the worst" websites and Howard Stern listeners skewing the voting results to ruin the outcome. He said they know who is making each of the 40 million calls that come in each week. They keep their eye out for electronic voting. They have not noticed unusual campaign voting to compromise the results.
NOBODY COMES IN OUR HOUSE AND PUSHES US AROUND
It has always been assumed that a sports team had a HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE and won/loss statistics help prove it.
Now, researchers, probably using government grant money well spent, have found that testosterone levels rise in players playing on their home turf. They hit harder, run faster and have quicker reflexes. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk. This testosterone spike is probably caused by an ancient instinct to protect their home from invaders. There may be something to coaches screaming "No one comes in our house and pushes us around" and cheerleaders bouncing around on the sidelines.
YANKEE STAY HOME
The State Department recently released their annual foreign safety and security report. They don't recommend driving in QATAR. The population is only 900,000 yet they have 70,000 traffic accidents per year. Drivers don't bother turning on headlights in the dark or bad weather, wear seat belts, or show courtesy. They drive erratically and at high speeds.
The report says don't depend on the police in Mexico. "Reporting crime is an archaic, exhausting process in Mexico, and is widely perceived to be a waste of time."
A FUTURE IN MILLINERY
Rosie O'Donnell should consider a career move to designing a line of Tin Foil Hats. She is becoming the spokeswoman for those that need them.
HOW TO GET FREE ADVERTISING, CHEAP
Would you like to advertise your business on the cheap? Find an oddball law that doesn't carry much of a penalty. Defy it. You'll get your business talked about by every TV newscast, radio show and newspaper in town and probably around the world.
Doug Sohn owner of HOT DOUG'S SAUSAGE SUPERSTORE AND ENCASED MEAT EMPORIUM was the first to be hauled before the judge for violating the City of Chicago ban on serving Foie Gras in restaurants. Doug was fined $250 because he sold Foie Gras Hot Dogs. This story assured he would get millions of dollars of free publicity.
Foie Gras is a delicacy usually only served at expensive snooty restaurants and is made from fatty duck liver. It was outlawed because to produce super fatty liver (12 times normal size) they force-feed (gavage) the ducks like they are that japanese guy at a hot dog eating contest, everyday. Animal cruelty againsters put a stop to the conspiracy in Chicago and other places.
The Sexy Chicken Restaurant got nationwide attention by violating a city ordinance. They had a mascot in a chicken suit wear a bra and panties waving at traffic.
NATION'S CAPITAL WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP
A bunch of liars called a bunch of liars- "LIARS"
If you see a giant white blur flying out of the second story window of my house, don't worry, it is just my dog.
One day two Springs ago, there was a knock at the front door. It was the neighbor to tell me my 100lb Great Pyrenees dog had jumped out of the second story window. A family leaving for church had actually witnessed it. I knew he wasn't dead because when I looked through the peep hole- in the distance I had seen a dog running by that I thought "looked just like my dog". It was my dog. He wasn't hurt and looked quite pleased with himself. Who would have thought opening a second story window on a spring day would signal escape to the creature that resembles the abominable snowman.
When he escapes, he is easy to find and hard to catch. His instinct is to patrol fence boundaries. He always takes the same route and will go up and down each side of every street. It usually takes a brave person who will grab his collar after the white furry beast runs up to greet them like a long lost friend.
I didn't choose the dog. Mrs. Bad Ideas brought him home for us to baby sit over a Labor Day weekend. Then, he needed to stay a few extra days. Then, he was staying until I said he had to leave. For some reason, I always go look for him if he gets out.
OWWWWHHHHHH! GET NEKKID!!
There is a category of protesters that love and are ever ready for a reason to drop their drawers and get naked for any cause. Most of them really shouldn't.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
A guy that is selling a book on marketing to the spanish speaking says that many spanish speaking people want to "live in the language they make love in."
YOU CAN'T EXPECT THEM TO LEARN ENGLISH
How can you argue with that? You can't make them make love in a different language. So, shame on everyone that wants to make English the official language of the United States.
EVERYTHING IS UP TO DATE IN
The hottest trend in San Francisco restaurants is serving Sink Water. They are eschewing fancy-dan imported bottled water. You can get it filtered or sparkling. Real men drink it straight out of the tap.
SAN FRANCISCO. THEY'VE GONE ABOUT AS FER AS THEY CAN GO
WHEN THEY PASSED OUT THE BRAINS
An alledged serial rapist pulled a gun on a woman in the Galleria mall garage in Houston, Texas and demanded she have oral sex with him. He became spooked when too many people were walking nearby, so he ordered her to get in the car and drive. They ended up at a Pie restaurant parking lot. She told the attempted rapist that she really had to go to the restroom and needed to go inside. He said ok and followed her in. While in the restroom she wrote on the mirror with lipstick that she had been abducted. When she came out of the restroom, she told him that the pies smelled so good she just had to have a piece of pie. The attempted rapist said ok. While ordering her pie, she whispered to the counterperson for help. The dumb criminal was arrested. I guess he forgot he was a kidnapper and thought he was on a date.
HE THOUGHT THEY SAID TRAINS
AND HE MISSED HIS
TODAY'S MUSIC DISCOVERY
The SAW LADY can be found playing music on her 3 foot long carpenter's saw at a New York City subway station. She has been working to revive the lost artform for the last ten years.
She has a CD and you can listen to her music at sawlady.com or myspace.com/thesawlady
JUST DOING A LITTLE RESEARCH, BOSS
According to billionaire Mark Cuban, 50% of online video viewing is done between 7am and 5pm Monday thru Friday. I don't believe it is by shut-ins or people sitting at home on the couch waiting for Whiplash Willie,their shyster lawyer to call about their lawsuit. Only 6% of viewing takes place on weekends.
80% of Americans think they are smarter than their boss.
Except for my employees, I believe they are right.
KISSING THE BLARNEY STONE
People flock from all over the world to visit Blarney Castle near Cork, Ireland. Legend has it that if you kiss the chunk of bluestone built into the battlements you will gain the "gift of gab". To kiss the stone, you must lay on your back while a guy hangs you by your feet. Blarney has come to mean clever, flattering or persuasive talk.
Don't worry about germs from the millions of other people who have kissed the stone. Rumor is that the castle workers and locals get loaded up on Guiness late at night, then head to the Blarney Stone to relieve themselves. They laugh themselves silly thinking about the foolish tourists. It doesn't seem to stop anybody. It must be a vicious rumor. I am sure the local economy is completely dependent on the foolish tourists. You decide.
Milton Hershey, Winston Churchill, Laurel and Hardy, and Nellie Bly have all kissed the Blarney Stone.
I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP
According to daytime talk shows, nothing turns on a wife more than her lazy slob husband actually doing some housework. If he would wash the dishes or scrub the toilet, she would get hotter than the 4th of July. It would be like a night in Las Vegas. It would be like the Tag or Axe men's perfume commercials.
But take my advice. Don't be helpful and take your wife's clothes out of the washing machine and dry them in the dryer for her. It will be like a night outside with the dog.
I PUT IT ON THE VICTROLA
The number one selling DVD of Amazon customers from Kazakhstan is BORAT.
BUT NO SOUND CAME OUT
JUST DUMP ME BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD FOR THE BUZZARDS
They finally buried James Brown 76 days after he died. His various families fought over his body and for a long time the casket just sat in his house. They buried Anna Nicole Smith after a big fight over her body which may not be over. The children of Ted Williams fought a few years ago over his frozen head. Is this a new celebrity trend?
Or, does it happen more often than we would imagine. I knew a guy that died a few years ago who became the centerpiece in a body war. He was in his fifties and had reconnected with a high school crush, got married and moved to her estate in Pennsylvania. He died after a couple of years. His family was well respected in the community, so they insisted his body be flown home to be buried in the family plot. After the funeral service his family had left thinking he was about to be lowered into the ground. Little did they know that his wife had the funeral director pack him up and ship him back to Pennsylvania. He was buried in her garden. There was a brouhaha several weeks later when his family caught wind of it.
"I didn't attend his funeral, but I wrote a letter saying I approved of it."
WHAT WILL I DO WHEN I WIN THE LOTTERY
Here is my plan when I win the lottery. I will take the money in lump sum. I will convert it to cash. I will first buy a mountain and build a fortress at the peak, then bury the money all over the top of the mountain. Don't bother me. I don't need any investment advice or deals. I won't need any more money. If anyone comes up there after me or looking for my money, I will roll rocks down on them.
ASK MR BAD IDEAS
David S: But, what will you do after you've rolled ALL of the rocks down the mountain. Surely, you won't have an infinite supply of rocks. Yeah, you could hire a helicopter to deliver more rocks, but there's the risk that you may not be able to trust the helicopter pilot and they may try to drop the rocks on top of you. Just something to think about.
MR BAD IDEAS:
Hmmm. I haven't planned ahead to consider the consequences of running out of rocks. It seemed like a good idea. Maybe I should buy a volcano.
ASK MR BADIDEAS:
THE DIAPER DEMOGRAPHIC
An article about the DIAPER DEMOGRAPHIC caught my attention. At first, I thought they were talking about love-crazed diaper wearing astronauts or the adult and incontinent. DIAPER DEMOGRAPHIC is a marketing buzzword for TV and video programming for the under 2 set. It is really marketing of supposedly brain stimulating programs and tie-in products to the parents, for example: BABY EINSTEIN, TELETUBBIES and BRAINY BABY. The selling point is that by watching and buying the products the parents can turn their children into geniuses.
Why would they need these products? Their children are already geniuses. If you don't believe them just ask the grandparents.
SWISS ARMY INVADES LIECHTENSTEIN
The Swiss Army invaded their neighbor Liechtenstein. They overpowered the border guard by holding the tweezers from their Swiss Army Knives to his throat.
Not really. There is no defined border between the countries and no border guard. They were training and wandered about a mile into Liechtenstein. Who knew the Swiss really had an army. I always wondered if the knife's name was a marketing gimmick like Haagen-Dagz ice cream (created in New Jersey).
PROFESSOR A.A. GORE, ESQ'S
They were slobbering all over Al Gore at the Academy Awards. He has latched onto his star as Mr Global Warming. I might think he was really worried if it didn't appear that he was in it for the fame and the money train.
TRAVELING MEDICINE SHOW
Al Gore gave a presentation for a group of U.N. ambassadors on global warning. During the presentation he claimed that smoking was a major contributor to global warning. At the end, his associates came in with cartons of his new book. They cracked open the boxes and put them on sale for $19.95.
PORNO HAS MET IT'S MATCH
Pornography has driven every new innovation in visual technology since the beginning of time. Dirty picture postcards soon followed the printing press. The Moving Picture was introduced and it wasn't long before they were making dirty movies. Video cassettes, personal computers,the internet and DVDs can all thank pornography for helping with its rapid growth. VANILLA COKE was a failure because they couldn't use it for porno. Now, the porno business is being hurt by High Definition TV. HDTV puts the viewer a little too up close and personal. Women in men's magazines have always been airbrushed to perfection. Many porn fans are being turned off because all the blemishes, warts and scars are now crystal clear. Porn addicts, strip club regulars and Howard Stern listeners disdain real looking women.
WHO IS KLAUS HARMONY?
Speaking of porn. Klaus Harmony calls himself the Mozart of Porn. He scored THE soundtrack for 9 European porn movies during the 1970s and you can listen to them at his website
MOZART OF PORN.
Who knows? It may bring back old memories.
DANCING WITH SNIDELY WHIPLASH
Geraldo Rivera claims he was once asked to be a contestant on DANCING WITH THE STARS but turned them down.
IT COULD GIVE YOU OCD
Researchers say a bus station toilet is cleaner than the handle of a grocery store shopping cart. Almost all babies put in the baby seat start gnawing on the handle. Good news is your immune system will have built up protection if you ever find yourself having to use a bus station toilet.
COUCH POTATOES IN MOURNING
Raise your cheese doodle bags up high in salute of Robert Adler. He was the co-inventor of the TV remote control. He passed away February 17 at the age of 93. He had 180 patents for his inventions during his six decades of work at Zenith.
CREDIT CARDS FOR LITTLE KIDS
After conquering the illegal alien credit card market, will lenders turn their attention to Credit Cards for little kids?
IF YOU CAN'T SOLVE IT
They are making a new improved RUBIK'S CUBE with blinking lights. If the cube makes you feel simple minded because you can't solve it, you can sit there and stare at them prittee lights.
AT LEAST IT LOOKS PURDY
IF YOU DRINK BEFORE YOU DRIVE TURN UP YOUR RADIO SO YOU WON'T HEAR THE CRASH
New Mexico has decided to fight drunk driving by putting talking urinal cakes in the bathrooms of restaurants and bars. Men headed to the bathroom for a pit stop before hitting the road will hear a voice telling them "You drink, you drive you lose"
TELL YOU IF YOUR BABY IS UGLY
A time management expert says one way to save time is to have someone tell you if "your baby is ugly". He wasn't talking about the appearance of your child. He was talking about giving you an honest opinion about your pet project. If all you have is yes men telling you how good you are, you will never learn or make changes until after you have wasted a lot of time.
Simon tells you "the baby is ugly" when he doesn't think that HE can sell you.
I wouldn't suggest a husband use this theory when his wife asks if her dress makes her look fat unless he wants to spend many lonely nights on the couch.
YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT
The Daisy BB gun was originally given away as a premium when you bought something else for your farm. The something else was probably one of the main targets for young sharpshooters. The Red Ryder model, Ralphie's obsession in CHRISTMAS STORY, was the hit of Christmas 1940.
Read DON'T SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT
I AM ALL FOR OVERCOMING LIMITATIONS, BUT...
Texas is considering a bill that would allow BLIND hunters to use laser guided sites and let them jacklight animals to stun them into not moving. I don't want to be near the woods with some hunters who have perfect vision.
WHETHER YOU THINK YOU CAN OR YOU CAN'T. YOU'RE RIGHT.
A United Nation's report says there are 1.5 billion cows on the earth and they are killing us. The report claims that the methane emitted from bovine flatulence contributes to 18% of global warming. Plus, they give off over 100 other gases including ammonia which makes them a major contributor to acid rain. If that is not bad enough, their solid waste is polluting the lakes, streams and rivers. It is a good thing they don't drive or smoke cigarettes (Al Gore claims cigarette smoke contributes to global warming).
UNCLE WALT WON'T BE COMING BACK
Contrary to popular belief, Walt Disney was not frozen when he died so they could defrost him in the future when medical innovation caught up. According to Neal Gabler's new biography, Walt Disney was cremated and the ashes are at Forest Lawn cemetery.
Walt Disney was one of the greatest dreamers of all time, but a lot of credit has to be given to his brother, Roy, who had to figure out how to finance Walt's crazy ideas.