Page Four

HOW DRY I AM

A Beer Taster in Brazil sued his brewery for turning him into an alcoholic. He claimed they didn't warn him that tasting the equivalent of three pints daily for ten years plus receiving a free bottle of beer after his shift could make him an alcoholic.

The brewery claimed it wasn't their fault because he was already an alcoholic when they hired him. The judge awarded the man $49,000.

The family of a dictator's food taster are suing because he wasn't properly informed that he might be poisoned.

BURIED TREASURE

Mrs Bad Ideas bought a book at a used bookstore and found an uncashed check inside written in 1994. I started thinking about money people hide in the pages and probably forget about. I am sure the used bookstores shake most of the books they buy and retrieve what falls out.

I never have enough cash to hide in books, so I hide IOU's to myself in the pages.

SHAME SHAME SHAME

It was true not that many years ago- if you did something shameful it marked the end of making big money from being a celebrity. Fatty Arbuckle had a wild party where a woman died and now you don't know who he is. We have arrived at the end of shame. Fear of embarrassment used to curb most base impulses. Not anymore. It doesn't matter, because there are so many people that refuse to judge bad behavior.

They say Paris Hilton heading to the pokey is going to increase her allure. Bill Clinton rakes it in and walks around with a chicken eating grin. Many actors', actresses', singers' opinions and lives are a blizzard of stupidity. The money just keeps on comin'.

IF EVERYBODY JUMPED OFF A CLIFF....

We are deluged with polls and surveys. The nightly news quotes at least one everyday. Instead of painting a picture of what is going on, the polls and surveys are more of a way to manipulate public opinion with peer pressure. Most people don't want to be in the minority. If they don't have an opinion they might as well agree with everyone else.

A politician's favorite phrase is "everybody believes". It doesn't matter if everybody really does. If they say it enough times, the peer pressure of being left out may shove enough people over to make it true.

My favorite surveys have been from England. One asked what do you use to pick your teeth. Another, found an alarming 33 percent of people had sex with the boss at the office Christmas party.

CAVEBOY CENTERFOLDS

Cavemen liked full bodied women. How do we know? Archaeologists have found cave wall etchings of nude voluptuous women with large breasts and big curves. Scientists believe this is proof young men's (they had to be young because they didn't live very long) thoughts were preoccupied with zaftig females.

A caveman sculptor carved a nude statue 30,000 years ago- VENUS OF WILLENDORF.

RING A DING DING

First, researchers told us cavemen were drawing dirty pictures on the walls. Now, they find that cavemen were preoccupied with sex for fun instead of only reproduction. They say cavemen were swingers. Was there a Cave Pack? Some were involved in kinky sex. The researchers claim there were transvestite troglodytes (sounds like a bad movie).

HOW TO PICK UP CHICKS

I recent scientific study found that giving caffeine to female rats made them revved up for sex. Instead of hanging around bars or plying your date with alcohol, maybe guys should be hanging around coffee shops or carrying a thermos.

Another study found that women are attracted most by scent. In a series of experiments involving smells placed on surgical masks, women were least attracted to the smell of cologne, cherries and barbecued meat.

The most appealing was a tie between a combination of cucumbers and Good and Plenty candy or baby powder. Does this mean for the best way to pick up chicks you should hang around the produce section gnawing on licorice after taking a bath from a can?

PS: Don't get a job as Pit Master in a barbecue restaurant.

WHERE'S THE BEEF?

Why do pork products dominate breakfast? You can have all the bacon, ham, and sausage you want. Beef seems to be hiding until lunch time. I would rather eat a hamburger. Does that make me a weirdo?

NEW REFUGE FOR SCOUNDRELS

Al Gore and other movie star "green" supporters justify flying in private jets, riding in limousines, $1500 or more a month electric bills, use more than one toilet paper square, and a generally unchanged lifestyle because they buy "carbon offset credits" to zero out their carbon footprint. They buy credits from companies that supposedly plant trees or invest in "green" technology. Al Gore buys his from a company that he owns.

The Financial Times said in an article these carbon offset companies are taking the money and not really doing anything with it.

And, the crooks haven't really moved in yet. The scammers that have been selling you time shares,resort(?) property, infomercial get rich deals, precious metals, etc. are hitching up the wagons and will soon be heading to the new frontier. Carbon offsets are being called "Environmental Enron".

Once again, a brilliant plan hatched by self-proclaimed geniuses will meet the "law of unintended consequences".

FOUR HUNDRED DOLLAR HAIRCUT ON A TEN CENT HEAD

BRAVO TV had a reality show hair dresser competition and has had other shows about hair dressers that give $250 -$1000 hair cuts. They are very good at their work. Why does their own hair usually look like it was cut by three year olds that have been playing with the scissors?

THE SCIENCE IS UNDENIABLE

The new catch phrase to bully you into accepting what they say is "the science is undeniable". It is the equivalent of debating with their fingers in their ears going La la la la la la la la while the other side tries to talk.

The science is undeniable: Al Gore is a dumb guy that thinks he is smart. La la la la la la la.

THE SCIENCE IS UNDENIABLE
JUST DEPENDS ON WHICH SCIENTIST YOU WANT TO BELIEVE

Solar Forecasters are predicting an inconvenient truth.

Half of the specialists predict a moderately strong cycle of 140 sunspots expected to peak in October of 2011, while the rest called for a moderately weak cycle of 90 sunspots peaking in August of 2012.

Sunspots play havoc with satellite communication, electrical transmission and airline flights.

HOW NOT TO WIN FRIENDS
AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

If you want to convince someone to come to your side it is best to hold back on the NUT TALK. Sheryl Crow is out touring on her biodiesel bus to convince everyone they need to change their ways to save the planet. But, she quickly goes from reasonable suggestions like using energy saving light bulbs to the eye roller- using a single square of toilet paper to clean yourself after using the toilet. The science is undeniable, she's another big star FLAKE.

Now she says she was just kidding. Truth or CYA? Watch what you say, most people don't get unobvious jokes.

Sheryl: We could go back to catalog and phone book recycling or leaves for our bathroom needs

If instead of replacing all the light bulbs with energy saving flourescent bulbs filled with dangerous materials that will ruin the soil when they hit the landfill, we replaced them with candles, would it give off fumes that destroy the planet or would the wax seal the hole in the ozone?

SENATOR HARRY REID IS A GILLHOOLIGAN

Harry Reid,power lusting politicians, the news media, tv smart asses, foolish actors and other anti-war big mouths are equal to Tonya Harding's ex-husband Jeff Gillooly.

They have been banging on the knees of our warriors with a lead pipe. They are Islamic terrorist's most useful weapon.

Their next stop with the lead pipe- the economy.

MR BAD IDEAS HAS A
LARRY KING LIKE MOMENT

Larry is celebrating his 50th year in broadcasting. For years, he wrote a column for USA TODAY which was just a string of rambling thoughts. He got the idea from a newspaper column he read as a kid and wanted to resurrect it. Now I do the same:

Any restaurant that serves drinks with crushed ice has my business ... Pop songs with flute solos are cool.... If you don't have mashed potatoes on the table at Thanksgiving, I'm not coming.

I SURE HOPE NOBODY IS FEELING A LITTLE FUNNY IN THE HEAD, TODAY

The Massacre at Virginia Tech reminded me once again how our every day existence depends on 100% of everyone you come in contact with that day acting rational.

For over 20 years, I had a business on a downtown street in a major city. It was not a large space, but had about a 30 foot solid pane of glass along the front. It would cross my mind from time to time that I was a sitting duck if someone out on that busy street ever decided to go nuts. They could set off a bomb or spray the street with machine gun fire and it would just be my unlucky day. Thankfully, nothing like that ever came close to happening.

It only takes one person "a little funny in the head that day" out of hundreds of millions to change everything. They say secret service agents guarding the president speaking before a crowd are looking at eyes to spot someone having a "psychotic episode".

I was heading downtown on September 11th and heard the report on the radio of the first plane crashing into the World Trade Center. I was sitting downtown at my desk by the front window when they reported the second plane crash. I wasn't in New York City, but was two blocks from a 75 story building that was an obvious target if a mass attack was in progress. I felt completely trapped. I can't explain the relief when I made it away from the specter of being buried by the debris from tall buildings just past noon. But, was I really any safer? It all depends on you.

BETTER THAN TELEVISION

Our thirty foot pane of glass I talked about in the previous story was a window on the world. We always joked about setting up a camera to record the greatest show on earth walking by. This was before the widespread of webcams. We saw the BEAUTIFUL and the RIDICULOUS. Machine repairman always seemed to schedule themselves near noon. Their pace was leisurely as they sort of worked during the parade of pretty girls crowding the streets on their lunch break.

We also saw the "town characters" on their daily rounds. It gave me a different perspective on people begging money on the street. These were professionals. They had routes, a pitch, and it was in reality their job. They weren't bashful about asking for money and took advantage of the good nature of most people to get it- tax free. People that are really in dire circumstances- won't ask.

BAD NEWS FOR A TREE HUGGING GLOBAL WARMING PIMPS

New research shows that trees in forests above 20 degrees latitude are a major contributor to global warming. They absorb sunlight and warm the earth. Rain forests around the equator cool the planet. Trees give off 30% of the world's methane. Instead of doing a green campaign on his Sundance Channel, Robert Redford should be out chopping down his trees,