Just think of all the things that are important to us that they didn't have 150 years ago. Automobiles, airplanes, electric lights, telephones, radio, television, movies, recordings, refrigerators, hamburgers, chocolate, and Coca-Cola. They did have whiskey, leeches, books, the sun, nature trying to get you and your imagination.
CAN'T SUE THE BASTARDS
When the weepy judge lost his 54 million dollar lawsuit against the dry cleaner that lost his lucky pants, wives and mothers could breath a sigh of relief. They can go back to throwing out their husband or son's favorite disgusting holey t-shirts and clothes without fear of reprisal.
They could stop illegal immigration if they used herds of CHUPACABRAS patrolling the border.
ONION RINGS $2.50
Fans are flocking to New Jersey to visit the spots where the Soprano characters liked to go. David Chase probably put Holsten's Ice Cream and Confectionery in the last scene because he wanted to get it in before the show was over. Holstens is reaping the benefits. Fans are crowding in and most want to have their picture taken in Tony's booth. They order the onion rings($2.50) but there are no juke boxes (props added for the show.). The building that housed the pork store is being torn down the end of the summer.
I couldn't find onion rings on Holsten's menu. Find Holsten's website thru EAT-O-RAMA
Ever wondered why a few movie stars get paid $20 million a picture, every other movie is a sequel or remake, or most movies forget about the story but have lots of car chases and special effects?
There are 13,000 movies made and shown at film festivals each year. Only 120 movies make it to the multiplex near you. The $20 million star is not getting paid for brilliant acting ability. If they sign up for your movie, people will give you money to make your movie and it will get played at the multiplex. Same goes for sequels, remakes and since the main movie theater audience is young- lots of blowin stuff up.
QUICK HIDE THE MEAT
Sir Paul McCartney, a strict vegan, canned some of his roadies who he caught sneak eating hamburgers.
CHICKEN FRIED BACON
Looking for something to eat that is not full of E-Coli?
Try the house specialty at SODOLAK'S Original Country Inn in Snook, Texas- CHICKEN FRIED BACON. It is served with a side bowl of cream gravy.
Snook is a small town (population 588) about 15 miles southwest of Texas A&M (College Station). The Kolache bakery is the other reason to visit Snook.
Newsrooms are in crisis. They are running out of nicknames for jail.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING IN THERE
50% of motel and hotel guests watch pay per view DIRTY movies in their room which results in a large percentage of the hotel's profit.
The average viewing time is 12 minutes.
WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE MORE LIKE A MAN
A survey sponsored by Unilever says that the average woman would give up sex for 15 months in return for a closet full of new clothes. 2% would deny sex for 3 years. It doesn't say how many would give it up forever.
In a MR BAD IDEAS survey:
What would a man accept to give up sex for 15 months? Nothing.
NOT TONIGHT DEAR, I HAVE A HEADACHE
Scientists always studying something because that is what scientists do have found that the more secure the relationship a woman is in the less she is interested in sex. Her interest starts dropping as soon as she puts a man under her spell. After 4 years only half of women regularly desire sex and after 20 years only 20%. A man's interest holds steady at 100%.
After 10 years, 90% of women crave tenderness. The percentage of men depends on whether his wife is in the room while being asked.
NICE GUYS FINISH LAST
One of the popular videos on YouTube is the minor league manager that goes berserk for several minutes- kicking dirt, throwing bases and crawling on the ground after objecting to an umpires call. It made me think about Leo "the Lip" Durocher. Leo Durocher was the manager of the Giants, Dodgers, Cubs and Astros from the 1939-1973. A colorful character, he is credited with coining the phrase "nice guys finish last" in response to being told his players were a bunch of nice guys.
Leo the Lip is the fifth winningest manager in baseball history and the second most ejected. He perfected umpire haranguing to an art. When he got to the home plate circle he would kick dirt and chalk on the umpire's legs. The chalk used to mark the baselines and outline the batter's box in those days contained lime. The lime would burn holes in the umpire's pants.
Earl Weaver is #1 most ejected manager in baseball history
DON'T START A CUPCAKE SHOP OR A BUGGY WHIP FACTORY
My advice to anyone wanting to start a business is to not open up a cupcake bakery- a hot new trend that will be soon be too many of or a buggy whip factory- a business becoming obsolete because of technology or changing tastes for example print shops, book stores, and record shops, etc
Repeat after me: Don't start a cupcake shop or buggy whip factory.
Experts will always tell you that something CAN'T be done because after you figure out how you CAN they are not experts anymore.
13% of Vermonters want to secede from the United States. Some want their own country. Some want to join Canada. They can take back the crackpot politicians they have foisted on the rest of the country including the only socialist in the senate honest enough to admit to being one. Howard Dean could go home and be their president. If Vermont secedes, it will mean that the United States will have 1/500 less people. The USA will only have 99.8% left. The nation of Vermont would be 98% white and their major exports- maple syrup, cheese and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. If they leave, IHOP could finally claim to have a restaurant in every state in the Union.
The Lunatic Fringe were once seldom seen or heard. Now, they are in our face. They win awards at film festivals and quit daytime network television shows.
THEY LIKE EM YOUNG AND DUMB
It just occurred to me why advertisers (who influence television and radio execs) don't care about you once you leave the 18 - 49 demographic. Baby boomers now average 52 years old, are the head of 45% of households and have over 2 trillion dollars to spend. Young punk ad execs could care less. "Let them be hounded by AARP and let Viagra, Cialis and Levitra fight it out." The advertisers want younger crowds so all entertainment is geared to them.
The reason is the rule was the older folks are set in their ways, not as gullible and malleable. It is probably not as true anymore that "Dad is an Oldsmobile Man and will die an Oldsmobile Man and you're not going to talk him into a Toyota." (Yes, I know ol' dad will have to be some other kind of man, now)
Ad execs love them young and dumb. The younger and dumber the better. Like shootin fish in a barrel. You can talk them into anything.
Hillary Clinton likes to pretend to be a moderate to fool voters but in a recent speech revealed her true economic penchant. How do you tell everybody you are a socialist in a way that you can later say anyone who claims you said you are asocialist is crazy?
She says that an "ownership society" is really an "on your own society" and should be replaced by a "we're all in this together" based on "shared responsibility and prosperity." "I believe that government can once again work for all Americans." In other words, Government good, not controlled by government bad. Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro will be proud of her. Bill will be proud of her, too. She just used the Clinton Magic Formula- you didn't hear what you just heard.
THE JOKES ON THEM
The newest craze in Europe is FLASH MOBBING. Organizers contact mobbers by internet and cell phone to overwhelm fast food restaurants with so many customers at one time they "crash serving capacity". They got the idea from crashing internet servers by overwhelming them with hits. Some restaurant owners are a step ahead. They get wind and bring in extra staff, and food. When it is over, the pranksters are in the parking lot laughing and the restaurant owner is in the back office laughing as he counts the cash..
Sounds like a new sales promotion idea ripe for guerilla marketers.
FROM NOW ON ALL CITIZENS WILL BE REQUIRED TO CHANGE THEIR UNDERWEAR THREE TIMES A DAY
In the Woody Allen movie BANANAS, the Castro like character that takes power after the revolution of a banana republic goes nuts with power and proclaims in his first speech that everyone would be required to change their underwear three times a day. To make sure that they did, everyone would wear their underwear on the outside.
The success of GOOGLE seems to have made its creators feel like god. As usual, people with extreme success get too big for their britches, decide they are smarter that everyone else and they know what is best. They start making plans to take over the world with their vision of utopia. The creators of GOOGLE's plan is to gather so much information about you that they believe they will know you better than you know yourself. If they have their way, you won't need to think. Their vision is you will ask them questions like "What should I do today" or "What job should I have" and GOOGLE will tell you what to do.
King Camp Gillette, the inventor of Gillette razors, went cuckoo from his success. He spent the end of his life planning his utopia. Everyone would work for one company- The People's Corporation. All 50,000,000 citizens of the United States would move to dormitories next to Niagara Falls in a city called Metropolis. All power would be generated by Niagara Falls. He never saw his vision come true and died a broken man.
LAZY NEWS REPORT
I haven't had a Lazy News Report lately about TV newsrooms ever ready for an easy story. The Lazy News have brought back the tried and true way to kill a few minutes each night. They head down to the gas station and ask the people at the pumps filling up their car how they feel about the rising gas prices. Unbelievably, it is unanimous. They are against it. The Lazy News folk may just be repeating stock footage from last year.
Brown University got fed up with people calling looking for Jenny, so they dropped a telephone number. A Rhode Island plumbing company quickly snatched it up. The number 867-5309 made famous in the early 1980s by one-hit wonders Tommy Tutone is now involved in another fight. The plumbers have the number for Rhode Island and southern Massachusetts. A Florida company has the number with an 800 prefix. The plumbing company is trying to bar the 800# from Rhode Island and Massachusetts.
YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE
Iron Eyes Cody was best known as the indian with the tear running down his cheek after seeing a polluted river in the famous "Keep America Beautiful" television public service announcement. He, also, appeared in over 200 movies.
Iron Eyes Cody was born in Louisiana. Both of his parents were Sicilian immigrants. His birth name was Espera DeCorti. He married an indian woman, adopted 2 indian children and steadfastly claimed he was an indian until his death at the age of 94, in 1998.
They started adding vitamins to water so they could charge you an extra buck a bottle. Now, they are adding vitamins to Diet Coke to make it seem more healthful. Did they add vitamins to Diet Coke so anorexics can get some nutrition? What's next? Vitamin Whiskey to promote better health for dipsomaniacs?
What about vitamin packed Pixie Stix or Fried Pork Rinds sprinkled with vitamin dust.
A BRAND NAME GONE WRONG
In the late 1800's Bayer came out with a new wonder cough syrup that they advertised in ads along with their aspirin.
Then, a strange thing happened. People who didn't seem to have a cough were showing up at the doctor's office looking for the incredible cough syrup.
When Captain John Smith landed at Jamestown May 13,1607, Jamestown was in the middle of a seven year drought. It was the worst drought in 770 years. Virginia is not exactly what you picture when you think dust bowl.
When someone comments about extreme weather: "There must be something going on with the earth" "I have lived here all my life and never saw anything like this." They just haven't been around there long enough.
ALWAYS WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR
Did your mother or grandma warn you to always wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident?
Minton Sparks, who tells stories set to music, was interviewed while promoting her cd- Sin Sick. She said she was once a social worker and what she loved most were the stories people told her. Minton told the story from a man about the time a tornado came through the farm area where he lived when he was a child.
The tornado had run through the neighbor's farm and threw the woman that lived there up into a tree. She was not badly hurt, but got stuck in the tree. When everyone came to help, they could see up her skirt and notice that she was wearing holey underwear.
The man's grandmother became extremely distressed. They didn't have much money, but she scraped up enough to go out and buy the best most expensive pair of underwear she could find.
Whenever the wind would pick up, she would go to her bureau, pull out her expensive underwear and slip them on. She called them her "tornado drawers".