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PLANNING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?

An Arkansas woman recently gave birth to her 16th child in 17 years. The baby is a girl, after an eight year girl drought.

The good news is they have nine bathrooms in their house.

I once worried about the Osmond family taking over the world through overpopulation. It wasn't that they would devour all of the world's resources. It was that we would have to listen to them sing.

ARGUMENTS AGAINST ATHEISM

What do sports cars, diamond jewelry, make-up and breast implants have in common? The overwhelming desire to have sex and reproduce. Sex and reproduction are proof that there is a god.

The mechanisms for sex and reproduction are so complex that they had to be designed by a higher being. The motivation for sex and reproduction are so strong that we can't ignore it. If we didn't have the overwhelming desire, would we have sex? Someone is playing with us.

We mostly try not to reproduce, but god sends us all kinds of cues, lures and enticements that we let our guard down and new people being produced is the result.

Men will do almost anything for women and women can get men to do almost anything for them. Without sex and reproduction, men wouldn't be motivated to do much of anything and women would have little need to own one of the slobs.

It would be impossible for her to talk him into going into a store to buy feminine hygeine products for her.

How can an atheist explain away this. There must be a god.

KILLER APPS

In the technology world, new technology sells when there is a "killer application" found for it. There is the one killer app that has driven everything since the first drawings on cave walls to motion pictures to telephones to videocassettes to computers to Howard Stern going to satellite radio. It looks like the video IPOD is the next to be driven by the perennial killer app- Pornography.

Your big idea marketing test: if you can't use it for porno it probably will be a failure.

They will soon be pulling Vanilla Coke from the shelves. See what I mean.

PARDON ME. WHAT DOES THE W. IN YOUR NAME STAND FOR?

If you meet someone and their middle name is Wayne, RUN!!!

The list of serial killers and murderers seems to be overrepresented by people with the middle name- Wayne. So, if you don't want to spend the rest of your life sleeping with one eye open, don't give your baby the middle name of Wayne- girl or boy.

DNA MADE EASY

You don't have to go on Maury Povich anymore to find out who the babydaddy is.

I heard an ad on the radio for a home DNA test kit.

If you don't need to find the babydaddy, I guess you could buy a kit and set up your own CSI: Wanda or CSI: Louie.

LIVE IN A SHIPPING CONTAINER

Have you ever thought about living in a 40 foot metal cargo container that they use to transport stuff on ships and trains?

Architectureandhygiene.com has. They will sell you a kit for a 2000 square foot two story house made out of 5 shipping containers. The price of the kit: $76,000.

TERRORISM IS CHEAP

We know Al Qaeda spends most of its time thinking and planning diabolical plots. They have hundreds of them. Now, they are trying to bankrupt us without actually carrying out any of them.

They layout the plans for their operatives and if they are ever caught they spill the beans. The New York Subway gets closed down. The Baltimore Tunnels close down. They have just caused nearly as much havoc and expense as if they had set off a bomb.

The United States bankrupted the communists in Russia by spending all kinds of money on futuristic weapons. Al Qaeda is trying to bankrupt us by sitting and dreaming in a cave and spending nothing.

SPOT THE LOONY

I didn't know much about Nicola Tesla. I just thought he was a less known inventor and contemporary of Thomas Edison. Tesla was the inventor of Alternating Current (AC) and the Tesla Coil.

TESLA according to the website TALES OF FUTURE PAST was a crackpot who died a death similar to Howard Hughes- alone in a hotel room living out his days talking to his pigeon.

Among his kookie plans- a death ray machine and a tower to beam electricity into the ionosphere to supply the world with power. Plans he actually talked a few countries and famous investors of his time into throwing money.

He also claimed to have invented an oscillation device with which he had shattered a two inch steel chain link and would be able destroy the Brooklyn Bridge. Later he said it could distengrate the Empire State Building. At one time he said it could crack the earth in half like an apple. Luckily, he seldom wrote down his plans, so that invention is safe from Al Qaeda.

He wanted very badly to talk to Martians and at one time thought he was picking up their signals on his electricity transmitter.

Some now claim he was from another planet with plans the world was not ready for.

HIGHWAY HI-FI

The 1956 Chrysler offered the option of the Highway Hi-Fi- a record player for the car. It played specially made records that played at 16 2/3 rpm and played for 60 minutes per side. You couldn't play records from your collection on them, you had to buy records made for the player and only 32 were offered- including the soundtrack from movie "Davey Crockett".

The Highway Hi-Fi was not offered for the 1958 Chrysler.

MO' MONEY MO' MONEY

When you receive a direct mail letter from a political party asking for contributions and you send them money, you will constantly receive more letters from them asking for more money.

They will spend all of the money you sent them sending letters to you asking for more money so they can spend all of that money to ask you for more money.

A DRUNK AIN'T HAPPY UNLESS YOU'RE DRINKING WITH HIM

With all of the holiday parties and imbibing of one too many egg nogs keep this in mind:

If you drink before you drive remember to turn up your radio so you won't hear the crash.

KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN

Stay on the straight and narrow and away from the long arm of the law. If not, you can save yourself from being sent up the river by agreeing to community service where you could find yourself on a road crew cleaning up the highways collecting URINE BOMBS.

Truckers, unwilling to stop for a bathroom break, are filling up milk jugs while they roll down the highway. Then, down goes the window and it is bombs away.

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