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I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP

According to daytime talk shows, nothing turns on a wife more than her lazy slob husband actually doing some housework. If he would wash the dishes or scrub the toilet, she would get hotter than the 4th of July. It would be like a night in Las Vegas. It would be like the Tag or Axe men's perfume commercials.

But take my advice. Don't be helpful and take your wife's clothes out of the washing machine and dry them in the dryer for her. It will be like a night outside with the dog.

IS THIS THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST JOKE?

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

This joke was voted the funniest in a survey of 300,000 respondents to LaughLab in 2001. It is adapted from a joke written by Spike Milligan and performed on the Goon Show by Peter Sellers.

A GIANT BIG SALE

They are having a Gigantic Super Big Sale at the

HOW TO GET RICH BOOKSTORE

"They bought thousands of books from Bankrupt book publishers!"

YOU TRYING TO PAY ME WITH CHUCK E. CHEESE TOKENS?

The only time I come across gold Sacajaweah (or however you spell it) dollar coins is when I get change from buying a book of stamps from the post office vending machine. Once I have them, I feel reluctant to palm them off on someone else and I don't want to get in a dispute with some cash register dunce.

CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING

You can walk into McDonald's and order a a triple or quadruple Quarter Pounder with Cheese and you will not confuse the cashier no matter how dumb they are. It is not on the menu, but there are buttons on the cash register for the triple and quadruple burger.

See the pictures that make some drool and some sick on the HAMBURGER PORNO PAGE

WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?

They should put Moussaoui in a cell next to Hannibal Lechter so he can end up like Miggs.

STEAL THIS TV SHOW IDEA

There should be a TV show about DOLLAR STORE SHOPPING. I like to shop at dollar stores. My favorite purchases are printed paper cups. I once found giant drink cups from a Movie Theatre Chain. I bought 5 dollars worth. I bought green cups from a chicken chain with a spanish name that I never heard of before. I once bought metal trays with divided compartments. They must have been overs from a company that sells to prisons.

ANYTHING FOR A BUCK

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck always have a Starbucks cup in their hands. It is reported that Starbucks pays them a million dollars to carry that cup, but everyone denies it.

Instead of big stars getting angry at paparazzi, they should walk around like Nascar drivers and sell space on their clothes and exposed body parts.

Tony Soprano may have saved us

First, I find out last night that there is a store in Tony Soprano's neighborhood across from the Pork store (where they grind up the bodies of the people they whack and need to get rid of) where you can go to buy a live chicken. Today, I read there was a mild form of avian flu found in a poultry market in New Jersey. It may be a good thing that Tony sold the store out from under the chicken sellers so they can put in a Jamba Juice.

NEWEST HOME APPLIANCE

The price of gas keeps going up, so more and more people are building or buying stills to make their on homemade ethanol. Apparently it is not that difficult. Most cars can run on 15% ethanol, some flex fuel cars are already on the road that can run on 85% ethanol and cars can be modified to run on alcohol. 160-180 proof ethanol has 102 octane and burns clean. Will stills be an amenity thrown in to sell new homes? It could become a free premium item. "But wait, there's more!": Buy a car-get a Free Still. Open a bank account: it is your choice - get a Free toaster or get a Free Still.

Our daily existence depends on everyone acting rationally. It only takes one irrational person to mess up everything.

WHAT WE GOT HERE IS FAILURE TO LAUNCH

A man took a gun and shot up his lazy son's computer. The son is 22 years old and still lives at home. I told my children- Butch, Spike and Rocko (2 girls and a boy) they would be welcome to live at home after they got out of college, but they would have to pay rent or save half their money. I will not have adult kids living at home rent free and driving a Ferrari.

TOM CRUISE, YOU SUCK!

There is a controversy over whether Katie Holmes did or didn't have a "silent" birth of her child. They claim the silent birth is a scientology thing that promotes the baby being born into tranquility rather than distress and turmoil. I think that Tom Cruise, who like other Hollywood types has spent so many years having his ego stroked and sucked up to, didn't want to hear the invective laced tirade many women giving birth launch at their husband/boyfriend/impregnator for putting them in the position of such pain.

Katie may have had to bite down on the pacifier to bear her pain in silence, but since Tom has been the most insufferable father-to-be ever, we can say it for her.

READER CORRECTS MR BAD IDEAS

JP V wrote to correct the notion that the silent birth is to keep the mother silent. He says it is to keep the other people in the room quiet. This could be a good thing by keeping Tom Cruise from telling the doctor that he has studied child birth and the doctor "don't know nothing about birthing no babies" and jumping on furniture.

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