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WOMEN LOVE SHOES

Women love shoes. Some women are aspiring Imelda Marcoses. The girls of "Sex and the City" raved about Manolo Blahnik shoes- designer $500 footwear with about a $1 material cost. There are women that collect Manolo's and own 40 or 50. Just think of how big a tv you could buy with the money spent.

Who are women trying to impress. Not men. I don't think I have ever really noticed what kind of shoes a woman was wearing or whether they matched her outfit.

I guess I would notice if she was wearing combat boots.

TOILET SEAT CONTROVERSY

Why do women get so upset about the toilet seat being left up?

If you are living with an unthinking oaf, I think you would prefer lowering the seat rather than the alternative of encountering a wet one.

SQUIRRELS ADDICTED TO CRACK

London drug dealers buried their wares in a city park. The squirrels found them and dug them up. Now, there are squirrel crack addicts taking over the park.

The squirrel crack addicts refuse to eat, harass park goers and can't remember where they hid their nuts and couldn't care less.

GENIUS

I just saw Paris Hilton being interviewed at the Golden Globes. The interviewer asked, "Is it hot?". Paris replied, "It's hot." Interview over. Mission accomplished. The interviewer was happy as she could be.

Either Paris or her PR person is a genius. Paris doesn't need to think or have an opinion on anything. She only has to say "That's hot" and everyone is happy.

Maybe, all stars need a buzzword so they won't have to give an opinion. Then, no one will ever know how stupid they are.

NO COFFEE NO INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION?

Coffee reached England in 1550. Before that, everyone was drunk all of the time because they drank alcoholic beverages instead of water. They didn't drink water because they didn't want to get cholera and dysentery.

When they sobered up and became alert, clear and hyped from caffeine, things changed. They started thinking and inventing instead of sloshing around.

Lloyd's coffee house is where merchants and traders met and where Lloyds of London started to insure ships and their cargo.

So salute coffee, without it you wouldn't have your Playstations, cell phones, and Ipods.

EGADS! THEY LOOK AT OUR PHONE RECORDS!

Have you ever watched any of the Law and Order shows. They pull up the phone record of every murder suspect and see who they talked to and what time. They also know which ATM or credit card they used, what time and where they used it. All of this in the first 10 minutes.

JOB SECURITY

Experts will always tell you that something CAN'T be done because after you figure out how you CAN they are not experts anymore.

MONEY BACK GUARANTEE

I walked into Wal-Mart and was stopped by the display by the front door of Light Bulbs guaranteed to last 8 years. That sounds good so it became my first impulse buy of the trip. After I got home and the thirty minutes it took to extract them from its plastic packaging, I read the guarantee. If the light bulb doesn't last 8 years (averaging 4 hours a day), mail in the receipt and UPC tag, and they will send a replacement.

How many people are that organized? I heard Jay Leno tell a story about his dad returning a broken toilet seat with about a week left on the warranty.

Every crook who sells dubious products in magazines and television infomercials knows you can get away with making bold claims and selling most any crap if you have a money-back guarantee. They know that most people won't bother to send it back. If they cheerfully refund the money to those that do- they stay out of dutch.

WATER WATER EVERYWHERE

Spanish television showed the flooding in southern Mexico and Guatemala caused by the double whammy of hurricanes hitting from either side. The floods appear to be much worse than what was caused by Katrina. The coverage includes the obligatory reporter standing in the rushing flood waters and pictures of looters making off with live chickens.

WHAT A STIFF

Apparently sex euphemisms must be over the head of Democrat Party leader and former presidential candidate Howard Dean.

In an interview, he was asked if Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers' papers from working as President Bush's counsel should be released instead of presidential privilege being invoked.

He said: "Yes, I don't think they want to go around playing Hide The Salami."

This reminds me of a story about President Richard Nixon. He was trying to be "one of the boys" and asked a young single guy staffer: "Well, did you fornicate, last night?"

OH MY PA PA

Father's Day is the number one day for Collect calls of the year. There are 150 million cards sold for Mother's Day, only 95 million for Father's Day. Mother's day is the number one day for flower deliveries, but Thanksgiving Day beats Father's day. There are 8 million neckties sold every year for Father's Day.

BAD EXPLANATIONS

We often get explanations for a problem by just restating the problem in a different way, which is no explanation at all.

Johnny can't read because he has dyslexia. Dyslexia is Latin for can't read.

Janie has a rash because she has dermatitis. Dermatitis is another word for a rash.

Johnny doesn't pay attention because he has Attention Deficit Disorder.

Mary is tired all the time because she has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Does the medical community give these explanations just to get you off their backs? They placate you to make you happy.

NO PRIVY PRIVACY

In a recent study, it was discovered that after using bathroom 90% of women were likely to wash their hands while only 75% of the men.

How did they conduct this study? Hidden cameras? Maybe less of the men washed their hands because they wanted to get out of there because some creepy guy with a clipboard was hanging around the bathroom.

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