A football coach for a small Christian high school that plays in a 6-man football conference in Texas told his team that their out of town game was canceled.
The coach brought in eight college-aged ringers to play in the game instead.
They lost anyway.
I DIDN'T WEAR MY LEAD SUIT, TODAY
They once had X-RAY machines in shoe stores to see if your shoes fit before they figured out giving employees and customers excessive radiation was a bad idea.
Question: What is that thing called they measure your feet with at the shoe store. The answer and everything you didn't know you wanted to know--THE PERFECT FIT
I HAVE DEFERRED SUCCESS
Don't call me a failure because you might hurt my feelings. That was the thinking of Britain's Professional Association of Teachers who coined the alternative- "deferred success". It made the Top 10 list put out by the Global Language Monitor who expose the blurring of the language.
Also on the list: the BBC went out its way to not call the bombers of the London Subway- terrorists. The poor lads were merely "misguided criminals".
RMWAVU
A New Hampshire town brought in a firm to assign a value to the views from the houses in town and started assessing a View Tax.
Do you have to pay it if you are are blind?
YOU WOULD ONLY HAVE TO ASK THEM TO TURN THAT #@%;!@ THING DOWN ONCE
The cruise ship that was attacked by pirates off the coast of Africa repeled the invaders with some kind of sonic gun that blasted high decibel sounds at them.
I need one of those sonic guns to use against cars that are like rolling earthquakes- their sound turned up too high and their bass rumbling my windows.
I know they are being generous sharing their music with me, but would it be possible to take an electrophonic gun and blow out their speakers?
NEW TEN DOLLAR BILL
The newly designed $10 bill has just come out. It looks a little like someone spilled their tea on it. When the $20 bill first came out, I got money out of the ATM and immediately drove to Sonic Drive-In for a Dr. Pepper (because I am insane for Sonic's crushed ice). I paid the car hop with the new $20, but she didn't want to take it. She thought I was a looney trying to pay with play money. She had to go inside and ask her boss.
I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS AND SNAKES
A man is suing one of the gigantic lumberyard/hardware stores because he was bitten by a copperhead snake while shopping in the garden department.
According to a guy that installs sprinklers, it is not uncommon for snakes and other critters to be hiding in the dirt of the plants hauled in for sale.
IGNORANCE IS BLISS
You don't have to be Amish or a monk in a monastery to be oblivious to the outside world.
It is possible to never hear any news even if you have the radio and television on 24 hours a day.
Once, all radio stations had at least hourly newscasts. Now, most music radio stations have none.
It is easy to find a rerun of Friends, Seinfeld, or one of the million Law and Order episodes to watch instead of the nightly news.
They don't have news breaks during the Worthless Housewives of Orange County marathon or WWE Smackdown.
They almost get you if you watch network television with their news teasers during commercial breaks. But, instead of informing you that hotels were blown up in Jordan by terrorists, you'll find out that Paris Hilton has a new spiritual guide that looks like she found him living under a bridge.
We'll talk about how to avoid newspapers, magazines, the internet, and towncriers another time.
MR BAD IDEAS' STOCK PICK
I was watching Jim Cramer on Mad Money discuss what stocks to buy because of the avian flu. He said you should buy companies that make tests to diagnose the flu instead of companies that make vaccines.
Here are Mr Bad Ideas' avian flu stock picks: casket companies, funeral homes and cemeteries.
WHICH IS IT
The same critics that scream that oil and drug companies charge too much also scream that Wal-Mart charges too little.
ASK MR BAD IDEAS
Q: What is the best way to pick up chicks? --Joel W.
MR BAD IDEAS: The best way to pick up chicks is by mail order. They have all different kinds. They will box them up and send them to you. You keep them out in the barn for about eight weeks until they are big enough to eat. Then, you can either eat them yourself or sell them to local restaurants and stores.
