ARCHIVES page eight

DON'T GET KILLED ON THE WAY HOME

Since most people would have no idea how to have a great day and some try the best they can to be miserable, would it be more useful to wish people not to be killed on the way home?

MURDER 101

More and more murderers are studying the CSI shows to plan their "perfect crimes". Before CSI, bleach was seldom used to cover up a crime scene. Murderers learned that bleach messes up DNA evidence. CSI, Crossing Jordan and Law and Order has also shown new ways to kill someone that most would never have thought of, but I guess murder-mystery novels have always done that.

MR BAD IDEAS FAVORITE BOOK

This week's selection for the Mr Bad Ideas Book Club:

How to Get Rich Spying on Your Neighbors

ANYBODY IN THERE

When you place your order at the bullhorn in the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant, you may not be talking to someone inside the restaurant. More and more chain restaurants are using call centers to take orders. They say it is to improve accuracy and help in areas where employees don't speak English well. I don't think they have outsourced any order taking to India yet.

There is a restaurant chain in East Tennessee called Pal's where you drive up to a window and give your order face to face with a live local person, then drive to the other side of the building and pick up your food at another window from more live local people.

HELP WANTED

WANTED
Young, skinny, wiry fellows
not over eighteen.
Must be expert riders willing
to risk death daily.
Orphans preferred.

This was an ad for the pony express.

NEW KIND OF ADVERTISING

The old ways of advertising- promising big results- is falling on deaf ears. The new way of advertising is finding its way to unconventional places and the tone is like a conversation with a friend.

The "World's Largest Engagement Ring Store" has a big ad on the wall over the toilet in the men's room. It instructs you from one friend to another how to escape through the ventilation shaft before it is too late. SEE AD HERE

YOU KNOW YOUR BUSINESS IS IN TROUBLE WHEN...

Playing Live tonight at the Hunan Dragon restaurant-- A Dixieland Band
(I am not making this up).

BURP

Mama Lena's Pizzeria in McKeesport, PA makes a pizza that measures 3 feet by 4 1/2 feet cut into 150 slices and costs $99. They'll have the "BIG ONE" ready for you in about 45 minutes. They claim it is the world's largest commercially available pizza and they even have a box that will fit it and a delivery driver with a hernia. Calorie count- over 50,000.

SKIP THE BOOZE FELLAS

I recent scientific study found that giving caffeine to female rats made them revved up for sex.

Instead of hanging around bars or plying your date with alcohol, maybe guys should be hanging around coffee shops or carrying a thermos.

WORD OF MOUTH

Umbria is a company that sends spiders crawling through the 20 million blogs on the web to find out what is being said about their customer's (such as Sprint, Electronic Arts) products.

Umbria's software can categorize the writer by age and sex depending on the words and grammar they use. If your blog mentions prostates the software is positive that you are a Male Baby Boomer.

GLOBAL WARMING

Mars is experiencing global warming. In the past three years, the ice cap of frozen carbon dioxide at the southern pole as shrunk in size. We barely just got there and we've already destroyed the planet.

BATHROOM INSPECTORS

When my daughters- Spike and Rocko- were small and we were out somewhere they always seemed to need to go the bathroom. They have been in every nasty dirty bathroom on the highway. I always wanted to publish a travel guide with their picture in front of an establishment's bathroom door giving their thumbs up or thumbs down.

There is a huge gas station-junk shop on Interstate 10 at Luling, Texas called Buc-cees. Their billboards advertise "Fabulous Restrooms". Spike and Rocko would give it thumbs up.

Alabama has the nicest rest areas and Texas has the worst.

Archives

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 Next