Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.
--Plato
IT'S A GOOD THING HE DIDN'T SAY, "HOLD ON, TOOTS"
Obama has being saying a lot of naive and stupid things lately including- there are 57 states plus Alaska and Hawaii. This is just sloughed off by the news media. But, he really stepped in it when he told a female news reporter "Just a minute, SWEETIE." He has offended those that are looking to be offended.
It won't be forgotten. And, the comedians looking for an easy laugh pegged President Bush as being stupid?
NEITHER A BORROWER OR LENDER BE
When you receive a credit card offer, don't look at the advertised interest rate they are offering. Look at the circular for the default rate. This is the rate they are going to use every trick up their sleeve
to put you on as soon as possible. (sometimes over 30%)
Do you say it doesn't matter what the rate is because "I pay off the balance each month"? If you pay off the balance, you don't need a credit card. It can only be a temptation to get in trouble. Save up an emergency fund. Use the Visa or Master Card debit card that comes with your bank account. They operate with the same rules of no obligation if your card is lost or stolen.
EDDIE DOESN'T EAT SQUIRREL ANYMORE SINCE HE FOUND OUT THEY WERE HIGH IN CHOLESTEROL
Squirrel is becoming the meat of choice for the strident global warming gang. They claim squirrels have a very small carbon footprint compared to cows. Cow flatulence is a major part of raising carbon dioxide levels plus there is a lot of transportation involved in getting their meat to market.
Other recent squirrel eating news:
Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said in an interview that when he was in college they fried squirrels in the only cooking device allowed in their dorm room- a popcorn popper.
Some wags thought he admitted it to get in good with hillbilly voters in the South Carolina primary. He may be going after the New Jersey vote judging by this news report from last year:
A warning has gone out for New Jersey squirrel hunters-DON'T EAT SQUIRREL MORE THAN TWICE A WEEK. The New Jersey squirrels have been exposed to toxic sludge so caution is advised.
DON'T BRING A KNIFE TO A GUN FIGHT
The new Indiana Jones movie is coming out along with a new DVD of the Indiana Jones trilogy.
One of my favorite movie scenes is from "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark". It is the scene in the marketplace where Indiana Jones comes up against the mighty swordsman.
The huge swordsman is dressed in his finery, swinging a giant sword in a well choreographed show of superiority. Indiana stops gives a look then whips out a pistol and shoots the swordsman dead.
Originally this scene was supposed to be a sword fight, but Harrison Ford was feeling weak from the traveler's scourge and didn't feel up to the three days it would take to practice and shoot the sword fight. So, he suggested to Steven Speilberg- why don't we just shoot him and Speilberg said all right that he was thinking the same thing.
SUPPLY AND DEMAND OF GRANDCHILDREN
With the high divorce rate, many children have two families and six or more grandparents. The demand for visits from the grandchildren is high, but the supply is low. The creators of FREAKONOMICS say this is why retired couples with no children at home buy bigger houses than they need centrally located so they can snag more grandchildren time.
CALL YOUR MOTHER
Mother's Day is a tradition that was ramrodded by Anna Jarvis of Grafton, West Virgina. She was never a mother herself, but was extremely devoted to her own mother. Her mother died in 1905, and Anna wanted to honor her. Anna's mother had worked to improve sanitation after the Civil War with Mother's Work Days. Anna organized a Mother's Day Memorial Committee at her church. She, then, went on a letter writing campaign and a crusade giving speeches promoting Mother's Day. By 1909, 45 states, Canada, Mexico, Hawaii and Puerto Rico celebrated Mother's Day and in 1914 a resolution was passed by Congress designating the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day.
Those
Evil businessmen always looking for a new way to make a buck, saw an opportunity to drive people to their stores and restaurants. Commercializing Mother's Day was not Anna's intent. She became so distraught that she started going door to door with petitions to get rid of Mother's Day. Mother's Day is now the biggest day of the year for restaurants, number one telephone call day, and one of the biggest holidays for store sales.
Anna died of a broken heart.
We aren't addicted to oil. We are addicted to moving.
THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT?
Bill Clinton has always been like a small town braggart- taking credit for anything good that happens even if he had nothing to do with it and denying anything that is bad. He gloms on to any little thing he can use to pump himself up.
Bill Clinton has been walking around for 10 years proudly accepting being called "The First Black President" like it was a badge of honor
as if he actually did great things for black people. Author Toni Morrison who is credited with dubbing him that says it is misunderstood. In an article, she says she was merely referring to the sex-scandal. He was like any black man walking down the street. "Already guilty and already a perp."
ALWAYS WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR
This is tornado season and the recent outbreaks of killer tornadoes reminded me of this.
Did your mother or grandma warn you to always wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident?
Minton Sparks, who tells stories set to music, was interviewed while promoting her CD- Sin Sick. She said she was once a social worker and what she loved most were the stories people told her. Minton told the story from a man about the time a tornado came through the farm area where he lived when he was a child.
The tornado had run through the neighbor's farm and threw the woman that lived there up into a tree. She was not badly hurt, but got stuck in the tree. When everyone came to help, they could see up her skirt and notice that she was wearing holey underwear.
The man's grandmother became extremely distressed. They didn't have much money, but she scraped up enough to go out and buy the best most expensive pair of underwear she could find.
Whenever the wind would pick up, she would go to her bureau, pull out her expensive underwear and slip them on. She called them her "tornado drawers".
AND THEY GET FREE ICE CREAM, TOO!
Raul Castro just announced that it is now legal in Cuba to buy a desktop computer, cell phone and stay in the fancy international hotels. Not that anyone can afford any of these things.
Two years ago in May, Fidel Castro in a move that would delight Teddy Kennedy raised the minimum wage in Cuba from $5 to $11. That's a month.
He left out government workers and other professionals for pay raises. Fidel remedied that. Doctors got a $7.40 increase and those with a master's degree got a $1.50 to $4 raise. A month.
Housing, education and other basics in Cuba are free and everything else is subsidized. Basically paychecks are equivalent to Daddy giving you an allowance.
But, this opens the door of basic free enterprise. Somebody saves his money and buys a tool that is needed, but no one can afford, or a group chips in to buy it. Then, they break up the usage into smaller chunks and charge for it. People can pay for the amount of time they can afford. Everyone is better off.
Don't tell Raul.
WHO NEEDS WATERBOARDING?
I was watching Hillary's interview by Bill O'Reilly and she was still against Waterboarding to pry information out of terrorists. She says because it is cruel.
Hillary doesn't need to waterboard anyone. Just put a terrorist in a room with her for a while and they will turn into a quivering mess of jelly willing to tell you everything they know.
CLEAN THIS MESS UP. I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER
At the conventions, things can no longer be decided in the back in a smoke filled room. Things will have to be decided in legally mandated smoke-free rooms.
Maybe, the term for the shenanigan laden decision site can be updated to Starbucks cup filled room or Big Gulp cup filled room. The room must be filled with something.
Almost all scientists agree there is global warming because if you don't agree you get canned.
FIENDS ON THE ROOF
They cut the ribbon May 1, 1931, on the 102 story Empire State Building.
Everyone has heard if a penny is dropped from the top of the Empire State Building that it would kill someone walking down the sidewalk if it hit them in head. This doesn't seem to stop many people from throwing pennies and becoming potential murderers.
Luckily, the tall buildings of New York City create an updraft that catch the pennies and they end up on a ledge 5 stories below the observation deck. As far as anyone can remember, no one has been killed.
HAPPY COMMIE DAY
May Day. The day when some young punks think it is cool to pull out their Hammer and Sickle, Mao, Marx or Lenin t-shirts. Some tiny motley groups staged motley parades marching on downtown sidewalks carrying handwritten poster board signs and banging on a drum. The commie contingents are usually led by a deluded disillusioned whiskered old college professor who returns to his cluttered office after their pitiful spectacles, clutches a glass, sits in his creaky chair and shakes his head ruefully.
The HAMBURGER PORNO page has become a huge smash. See the pictures that will make some drool and some sick.
JUST ADDED: New video of Dyer's Hamburgers in Memphis where they deep fry hamburgers in 96 year old grease.
DON'T FORGET THIS IS THE U.S.A.
Far too many people want to bully other people from expressing their opinion and it is always worse during election season. This is the United States of America where:
Everyone is free to believe anything they want. Everyone is free not to agree with them.
WHAT IS THE PRESIDENT?
The President of the United States has two jobs. The president is THE DECIDER and the president is THE EXPLAINER. You can't really know for sure what kind of DECIDER the president is going to be until they have to decide something. A study of their lifetime character maybe all you have. The 3 AM question has become a big joke but it is probably the best test for making a decision on who to vote for. You should vote for who you most trust to decide.
CAMPAIGNING TO THE STUPID
Hillary Clinton recently gave a speech on energy policy obviously geared for consumption by the ignorant and the gullible. When she becomes president, she will give OPEC a talking to and they will lower oil prices just because she says so. She also thought she would automatically become president just because she said so.
"Don't forget our CINCO de MAYO CELEBRATION coming up May 5th!"
--A Bar Ad
OH TO BE RICH AND SPITEFUL
A SPITE HOUSE is a house built for the sole reason of getting revenge and hacking someone off. Many were built during the 1800s by folks rich enough and mean enough. Some are still standing. They tend to be very narrow, 6 or 7 feet wide and were built on some kind of disputed land.
They were built because of a fight between neighbors, families, someone and a church, to stop shortcuts through adjacent alleys, and to stop roads from being built.
Some Spite houses you can still stop by to see: The Skinny House in Boston, Hollensbury Spite House in Alexandria, Virginia, Tyler Spite House (now a bed and breakfast) Frederic, Maryland, and Edleston Spite House in Gainford, England.
The SKINNY HOUSE was built in the 1870's. Two brothers inherited land from their father. They didn't bother to divide the property, and while one brother was away in the military, the other brother built a large house on it. When the traveling brother returned home,he saw what his brother had done and out of spite built a small house on the land that was left. It measures 6.2 to just over 10 feet wide plus it blocked his brother's nice view.
LET THE FRENCH DECIDE
Expecting the government to solve a problem is like spending your life searching for a unicorn. Government doesn't solve problems, they generally create more by helping one group by screwing another.
The Democrat primaries have become a mess and a microcosm of government mismanagement. Politicians, especially Democrats, can't seem to make straightforward rules about anything.
First, they rushed primary season, they told Florida and Michigan their primaries wouldn't count because they held them before they said they could. Only Hillary ran. They devised the Super Delegates-a group of "elite geniuses" that know better than the voting rabble what is best. If the Super Delegates give Hillary the nod instead of Obama, who by all fair standards will have won, they will alienate hard core Obama supporters who will justifiably feel ripped off.
The Democrats have gotten into a pickle. How can they fix this?
They can make the decision based on how they always make decisions. Democrats are always worried about what the French think about us. Let the French decide. But wait. That leaves out other groups that they shove to the front to make their decisions. What they want goes anyway. Let them decide.
Here is the plan. Form a committee of French people, welfare recipients, illegal aliens and Gitmo detainees. Whatever they say goes. Voila, the Democrats will have their candidate.
MR BAD IDEAS TRAVEL AGENCY
Looking for a vacation spot with plenty of nighttime entertainment? Plan a stay at
The Smuggler's Inn- an eight guest room bed and breakfast in Blaine Washington. The hotel's front lawn touches the Canadian border. The only thing that demarcates the border are a British Columbia road named Zero Avenue and series of evenly spaced stones in the front yard. When the owner mows the yard, he has to venture into Canada.
Each room comes with night vision binoculars and a giant flashlight that you can use to watch for people (mostly drug smugglers) sneaking across the border. Over 126 border jumpers have been arrested in the front yard.
The Smuggler's Inn was most likely used to help smuggle in liquor during prohibition. The owner Bob Boule has named the rooms after famous smugglers. Two room choices are the Joseph. P. Kennedy room or the Dirty Dan Harris room.
Call for reservations, now.
MR BAD IDEAS' EARTH DAY EARTH SAVING TIP
Get rid of all the light bulbs in your house. Sit in the dark. Go to bed at sundown. Wake up at dawn. Turn off your television when Al Gore comes on.
I'M SAVING THE PLANET I WEAR A GREEN COLORED SHIRT EVERYDAY
It may make you feel good but too many people confuse symbolism with accomplishing something. A baseball team wore green hats for one game and passed out 10,000 green caps. Last year, they turned out the lights on the Eiffel Tower for a few hours. How is this going to solve a problem. If you are promoting saving the planet that's almost as good, right?.
Some people give themselves a job title- ACTIVIST. How do they qualify?
Getting Naked.
They Get Naked for Peace or Ending World Hunger or Stopping Hurricanes or Stopping Nudity, etc.
They are just looking for an excuse to drop their drawers in public. Most really shouldn't.
WHAT A STIFF
Howard Dean, the head of Democrat National Committee and former presidential candidate, is ranting about how the Super Delegates must have their minds made up by the first part of June on who they are voting for at the convention. I almost forgot he was still around. He pops up to say something every once in a while to again prove how clueless he is.
Apparently sex euphemism was over his head several years ago.
In an interview, he was asked if Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers' papers from working as President Bush's counsel should be released instead of presidential privilege being invoked.
He said: "Yes, I don't think they want to go around playing HIDE THE SALAMI."
This reminds me of a story about President Richard Nixon. He was trying to be "one of the boys" and asked a young single guy staffer: "Well, did you fornicate, last night?"
TWO DOLLAR WORD FROM A THREE DOLLAR BOOK
Euphemism started in ancient Greece. The people believed the gods listened to all human conversation and offensive or boastful words had to be made politically correct so not to offend the god. The meaner and nastier the god, the nicer the word had to be. An example of an euphemism:
Politicians don’t lie. They misspeak.
SPREAD EM AND SMILE
THEY are saying Barack Obama was treated unfairly at the last debate. He says he may not participate in any more.
THEY are saying that you are not supposed to question the people he has associated with, what church he goes to, study his accomplishments, probe his past, examine his childhood or ask what he really thinks about anything.
Everyone that runs for president gets a Free Anal Exam. Actually, they get a 100 million dollar one. That is why the only people that run have the quality of a lot a gall. And, the new criteria seems to be having as much shame as the women that ruined her marriage to win money on the TV show MOMENT OF TRUTH and wound up with zero.
Will Hillary be ready for 3 AM emergency calls because she is up anyway cleaning her guns, knocking one back and waiting for Bill to try to sneak in?
WHERE'S THE BEEF
The rising cost of food (thanks ethanol) is making restaurants look for ways to give you smaller portions for the same price without you noticing.
Restaurant consultants are suggesting:
Get smaller plates (so smaller portions look the same size)
Use lighter-weight spoons and fork (so the food feels heavier).
Serve shrimp on skewers (so it doesn't curl up and will look larger)
They also suggest taking out an ounce or two of the meat portions and cutting them into two pieces, then fill the plates with more low cost starchy food (potatoes anyone?) and vegetables. I have always suspicioned that all-you-can eat buffets know a way to make mashed potatoes expand once they hit your stomach.
They could go with the tried and true. Have lots of really good bread and rolls. I sometimes eat so many rolls I could care less about the entree. How do you think Olive Garden stays in business- salad and bread sticks. Who goes for the food?
BE POLITE
Politeness, courtesy and appreciation are tiny gestures that make life more pleasant for everyone. It depends on being taught by your parents and you keeping in practice.
My mother taught me to send a Thank You for a drink out of a neighbor's garden hose.
--Beth Damn Donahue-Weedman Southern Fried Chicks
YOU MISSED McDONALD'S BIRTHDAY
Ray Kroc opened his first McDonald's April, 15, 1955 in Des Plaines, Ill. He talked the McDonald brothers into letting him franchise. Dick and Mac's original McDonald's restaurant was going gangbusters in San Bernadino, California. At that time, the restaurants had no inside seating, and only walk up order windows.
Today, McDonald's is remodeling their restaurants with soft couches, plasma televisions, wi-fi internet and coffee counters. They want you to come by often and stay awhile. For their first 50 years, they wanted you to hurry up, EAT and GET OUT.
Ray Kroc may be rolling over in his grave. He decided on the uncomfortable plastic furniture and banning cigarette machines, pay phones, and juke boxes. He wanted to turn over the seats fast and discourage loiterers and cigarette puffing punks from hanging around like it was a bowling alley.
One hamburger McDonalds test marketed and Ray Kroc loved was the HULA BURGER- a hamburger with a round of pineapple.
PUT UP YOUR DUKES A LEADING CONTENDER IN WE WERE FIRST BURGER BRAWL
One of the many places that are fighting it out to claim to be the home of the first hamburger is Seymour, Wisconsin. Hamburger Charlie Nagreen started selling the ground meat on a bun at fairs in 1885 when he was 15 years old. He did most of the cooking in his booth. When he got tired,or business got slow, an employee would take over the stove and Hamburger Charlie would grab his guitar and start drumming up customers. His pitch:
"Hey you skinny rascals don't you ever eat?"
AAARGGH
British ships are patrolling the waters off Africa trying to stop rampaging Somali pirates. They have been ordered by the British government not to return them to Somalia because they will be beheaded per Somali justice. They are also ordered not to capture the pirates and bring them back to England. If they step on British shores they can ask for and be granted asylum. The British legal system would cause a whole new problem- Somali pirates running free in the country.
In the old days, they didn't have to contend with such problems.
When the British tracked down Blackbeard they killed him, and the Captain cut off his head and carried it around as a souvenir tacked to the masthead.
ANOTHER EASY NEWS STORY DAY
Here is another of the award winning series of reports on television newsrooms always on the lookout for an easy story. TAX IS DUE day was April 15th. The news vans were camped out at the post office to document the crush of cars filled with last minute filers. The reporterette breathlessly describing the scene. The lazy news rooms missed out last year. There was some other big news event that I can't remember, now, that trumped their yearly TAX IS DUE story and they didn't need the story to fill time.
I was just thinking- Hey, I am always on the lookout for an easy story. I always know I have a no brainer article about lazy news rooms on the pre-Thanksgiving airport is busy day or day after Thanksgiving mall parking lot is full day or gas prices have gone up so head to the service station to interview motorists filling their cars who say they are against it day or show up at the bar during a sports championship to capture the drunks going WOOOOOO day.
IT'S TIME TO HIDE THE PRESERVES
An old relative from the South once told me he knew he had overstayed his welcome as a house guest when they took the preserves off the table.
The Democrats started their campaigns so early that Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama are so overexposed that all they seem to be proving each day is why they shouldn't be president. Even their biggest Kool-Aid drinkers must be seeing their faults. They are like someone you were once goo goo eyed over that is now the boyfriend sitting like a lump on your couch belching or the girlfriend with her issues bubbling to the surface.
Any damn fool can believe and propose anything. It is up to sensible people not to go along with it.
ELVIS AND HIS CUISINE
Elvis Presley's last meal was cheeseburgers made by his cook Mary Jenkins. Everyone has heard of his love for peanut butter and banana sandwiches fried in butter, but he was a cheeseburger fiend. They say he was making up for when he couldn't get one while growing up poor.
ELVIS AND HIS CUISINE is now showing on YouTube. It is a 1996 BBC documentary divided into 6- 9 1/2 minute parts with either German or Swedish subtitles (I can't tell which it is).
Michael Jackson had a famous chimp named Bubbles. I never knew Elvis had a chimp that ate at the dinner table with him. The chimp also liked to look up girl's skirts and on occasion attack them. It is in the documentary.
THE BEST SANDWICH ELVIS EVER ATE
You probably know about the Peanut Butter and Nanner (banana) sandwiches- the gloppy mess Elvis's cook often made him. Elvis said the best sandwich he ever ate was the FOOL'S GOLD LOAF. It was a sandwich made by the Colorado Mine Company restaurant in Denver that cost $49.50.
The legend goes that one night in 1976, Elvis had two police friends from Denver visiting him at Graceland and talk turned to the FOOL'S GOLD LOAF and how they all wished they had one. So they hopped into Elvis's jet-TCB and flew to Denver. The restaurant delivered the sandwiches to the airport hangar and Elvis and his buddies devoured them and washed it down with Dom Perignon. Here's the recipe:
o 2 T margarine
o 1 loaf Italian white bread
o 1 lb bacon slices
o 1 jar of smooth peanut butter
o 1 jar of grape jelly
Heat an oven to 450 degrees. Cut the loaf of bread in half and hollow it out. Rub margarine all over the outside of the bread, slather on the jar of peanut butter then stick it in the oven. Take out the bread when it gets toasty and the peanut butter warm and gooey. Add the jar of grape jelly. You can either put the bacon in the hollowed out bread cavity or between the peanut butter and jelly.
Elvis could eat one by himself.
Another Elvis favorite was Barbecue over spaghetti. It's a Memphis thing.
IT'S THE CLINTON HOUR
4 pm on Friday afternoon should be dubbed THE CLINTON HOUR. Staying true to the Clinton's modus operandi of dumping papers containing their bad news at that hour, they did it again with their income tax results.
4 PM Friday is the beginning of the weekend and the time when the least number of people will notice while it is rehashed over and over on the news. It is too late to get in Letterman, Leno and Conan's monologue until Monday (or do they check to see if they have the week off). By Monday morning, the news cycle is over, the news media is tired of it and ready to be hot and bothered about something new. The Clintons could dump bad news at a better time- 3 AM Sunday morning, but that would be too obvious.
Hillary Clinton wants to raise taxes on the rich. She believes they did nothing to earn it and just got lucky. If she is talking about herself and Bill, she's right. The Clinton's got rich peddling influence, books nobody reads but sales driven by peer pressure, and speeches that don't inspire or teach anyone anything. Most people get rich by blood, sweat and tears and providing something that benefits and is useful to millions of people.
THIS AIN'T MY FIRST TRIP TO THE RODEO
Mrs Bad Ideas was watching Bronco riding on television and I overheard the announcer comment on the rider:
He's cooler than the bottom side of the pillow
WE HAD TO STOP DOING THAT BECAUSE OF DNA
Everyone has wondered what ever happened to Jimmy Hoffa? The Teamsters president disappeared in the early 1970s and has never been found. Some have speculated that he is buried in the end zone at the Meadowlands stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey. I believe the SOPRANOS showed the connection between people that disappear and Pork stores in New Jersey.
WE'RE UP S*CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE IN A WIRE CANOE
The motivations that lead to getting pregnant have as little to do with knowing how to be a good parent as the process of running for president has to do with knowing how to run a country.
WHICH KID ARE YOU PLANNING TO EAT FIRST?
Billionaire crackpot Ted Turner says global warming will kill everyone in 40 years and whoever is left will be a cannibal. He says global warming is caused by too many people using too much stuff. He suggests everyone on earth voluntarily limit themselves to one or two children.
Ted Turner has five children.
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD
Wacked out
Extreme environmentalist kooks daydream of saving the world by getting rid of all these pesky people. They dream about people suddenly disappearing and everything they have built rusting, disintegrating and going to seed. The world will be a garden.
No one would be here to notice. Would a tree falling in a forest make a sound? The only thing that would miss us are dogs because we feed them. I am sure that like all grandiose dreams the dreamer has decided they are the only one exempt.
If Al Gore is so worried about the extinction of the human race, why does he look so happy?
The movie is over and the crowd rushes to the door. They have been in a panic. They can't take it anymore. They whip out their cell phones to call someone, anyone. There is a new name for what they have.
NOMOPHOBIA is the fear of being out of mobile phone contact. Having no bars or a discharged phone is leading to anxiety and panic attacks in an increasing number of people.
Let's hope forgetting to charge a phone doesn't cause the suicide or divorce rate to rise.
Cellphone text messaging has turned the younger generation into a bunch of new fangled Western Union operators. Their reply would be WU WT.
WOMEN LOVE SHOES AND P.T. BARNUM WAS RIGHT
Hard times won't stop designer shoe addicts who pay $500 to $1000 a pair. When faced with the choice of buying new shoes or paying the mortgage, they will choose living in a van down by the river.
The price keeps going up and testing how high the limit and women keep buying. A recent news report interviewed the manager where the writer, Danielle Steele, shops for shoes. She spends $4 million a year on shoes for herself and her family. She could save a lot of money if she opened her own shoe boutique. The markup on designer shoes is 2.4 to 3 times the wholesale price. If the wholesale price is $200-$250, the retail price is $600.
Women choose shoes to impress other women. I don't think I have ever paid much attention to a woman's shoes. I guess I might notice if she was wearing combat boots.
YOU'RE NOT EMO, YOU'RE SMILING
What is Emo? I first heard the term several months ago when I read an article that mentioned a style of music called emo. I heard of emo again when an American Idol contestant was described as emo. Last week, I was talking to a high school teacher relative and found out I am a really old fossil that is out of the loop. Emo kids wear tight pants, have bangs covering one eye, claim bisexuality, think everything is stupid, and generally walk around being sad and depressed. She said she catches one girl looking in every mirror she passes to check that she looks sufficiently sad. They are only happy at a concert for their favorite emo band.
Today, I read they are having anti-emo riots in Mexico. Groups of teenagers are going around looking for emo kids to beat up. One marauder said that he hates them, they are stupid and start crying about the least little thing.
In my day, they weren't called emo. They were called Wimps, Wusses and a word that starts with P.
IT'S A NEW WORLD FOR PECOS BILL AND TALL TALE HILL
The Clintons have a long history of telling whoppers. They remember things or insert themselves into events that either never happened or they were not a part of. In the old days, they could get away with it. Many of their stories sounded fishy but it was too hard to find out if it was true. And, Bill and Hillary had the advantage that if anyone bothered by the time they got the goods the tall tale was already forgotten by the masses, so no one cared. With the internet and You Tube, everyone has the resources to immediately check out their stories. And they do.
Pecos Bill and Tall Tale Hill can no longer claim to have never said it if they ever happened to get caught.
Pecos Bill and Tall Tale Hill have their new standby- "I misspoke", and their spin doctors have devised new strategies to talk you out of your common sense.
Pecos Bill recently claimed the he changed oil in cars when he was five years old.
MY OPPONENT ISN'T FIT TO BE ELECTED DOG CATCHER
Every election, candidates spend several billion dollars to convince you their opponent is the lowest slime to ever walk on the earth. This must mean we elect the second lowest slimes to ever walk on earth.
ASHLEY DUPRE, ADVERTISING GENIUS
Elliot Spitzer's favorite prostitute Ashley Dupre's opportunity for cashing in on her 15 minutes of fame may be drying up. Too many people who might pay big money for her pictures are finding they already own pictures. GIRLS GONE WILD offered her $1 million until they found they had a ton of footage of her sitting in their vault. Many other pictures are surfacing.
She still may be able to cash in with a genius advertising slogan for condoms.
According to court papers, she had an amazing ability to reject requests for unprotected sex. "I have a way of dealing with that," she told her boss at the Emperor's Club VIP, "I'd be like,
'Listen, dude, you really want the sex?'"
MY LATEST REALITY TV SHOW IDEA: MEXICO ROAD TRUCKERS
I heard a radio news report about the government's lack of regulating the mechanical safety of 18 wheelers from Mexico on our highways. I started thinking about the reality TV show ICE ROAD TRUCKERS. ICE ROAD TRUCKERS follows daredevil truckers in Canada risking their necks transporting machinery to diamond mines, during the dead of winter, 300 miles across a frozen lake. That is kid stuff compared to driving down the U.S. interstates without any brakes, or smuggling a truckload of angry Guatemalans hiding in a spare gas tank or behind cases of lettuce.
REALITY SHOW CATCH PHRASE
I have never really watched THE BIGGEST LOSER. I saw a promo and got to thinking how cruel it is to kick someone who is morbidly obese and trying to lose weight off the show each week.
Every reality game show has a catch phrase when they eliminate a contestant; some good some not so catchy. You're fired, pack your knives, you're out, you're out of style, you're the weakest link. Good-bye.
I have been devising my own. Here is my current favorite idea:
Hit the bricks. You're canned.
I sit on my throne and shout mine during Donald Trump or Heidi Klum's down sizing ceremony to try them out.
IF WE COULD JUST GET RID OF THAT PESKY CANCER THING
Scientists at universities in tobacco growing states are studying a way to make cigarettes cancer-free. If they are successful, cigarette companies could increase sales by not killing off their customers and knock away objections to smoking caused by its number one drawback.
POLITICIANS and the MAGIC WORDS
Senator caught toe tapping for sex in an airport bathroom. The governor of New Jersey resigns after admitting to being gay. Now, his assistant claims he had every Friday night threesomes with the governor and the governor's wife. New York governor resigns after admitting to years whoring with high priced prostitutes. They swear in a new governor and he immediately admits to running around on his wife. Politicians are freaks! We are governed by freaks!
Last year, Oprah had a show with swingers (once called wife swappers) as guests. They said the MAGIC WORDS. Every weirdo who is interviewed on television always says the magic words to rationalize their perversion- they know doctors and lawyers that also do what they do. They should add governors and congressmen.
It makes me wonder what my doctor has been up to when I go for a checkup.
PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN UFO SHAPED HOUSES SHOULD NOT THROW THEIR WIFE OUT
A house shaped like a flying saucer that stands on a mountainside in Chattanooga, Tennessee recently sold at auction for $135,000. It was built in 1970. It stands on six legs and the entrance is a retractable staircase that lowers to the ground.
A neighbor says one owner had an argument with her husband. She pulled up the stairway, drove her husband's truck underneath it so he couldn't get the stairs down and left him stuck inside.
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN EASTER SUNDAY IS NEXT YEAR?
Look on a calendar.
Or, It is the first Sunday following the first full moon after the vernal equinox.
WHAT DOES A BUNNY HAVE TO DO WITH EASTER?
The Easter Bunny really is a symbol of spring that has been combined with Easter because it falls at the same time. The Bunny is an ancient German tradition and folk story dating back before the birth of Christ. The story goes- A chicken turns into a bunny that lays colorful eggs and spreads them across open lands to change the dreary bleakness of winter into the colors of spring. The kids go out to hunt for the colorful treasures left by the Easter Bunny.
NOT YOUR SONNY BOY'S CONVENIENCE STORE
Lawson is Japan's second-largest convenience store chain. In 2006, they redid one of their stores to cater to senior citizens. The shelves are jam packed with hearing-aid batteries, false-teeth supplies and wigs. It has wide aisles and calming colors. It has been a runaway success.
If you send some young whippersnapper there to "pick you up some stuff", you can tell them not to forget the lottery tickets and dirty magazines. You're not dead, yet.
UNPROTECTED BY THE POLITICALLY CORRECT
The politically correct are so sensitive and unwilling to offend anyone. They won't call people what they are. They won't call a terrorist a terrorist. They won't call a bum a bum (Would it still be politically incorrect to call them unemployed brain surgeons).
One group they save up all of their repressed meanness for are fat people. They could care less if they hurt their feelings. The LA Times- politically correct central- ran an article a while back about SAUSAGE CASING GIRLS. SAUSAGE CASING GIRLS are overweight girls who wear clothes that are too tight. They show their bare midriff, wear shorts and skirts way too high and necklines way too low and are proud of it.
There is a new movie called RUN FATBOY RUN. Who else could they feel O.K. about slurring.
BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!
March 15, 44 BC, Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of Roman senators calling themselves Liberatores. He was stabbed to death. The senators must have been all against passing Knife Control laws.
In the Roman calendar, ides was used for the 15th day of the months of March, May, July, and October. It fell on the 13th day of the other 8 months.
The IDES OF MARCH has come to be used as a metaphor for impending doom.
NEW FIVE DOLLAR BILL
The newly designed $5 bill came out recently. The new bills with have splashes of purple and gray with a big purple 5 in the lower right corner on the backside. When the $20 bill first came out, I got money out of the ATM and immediately drove to Sonic Drive-In for a Dr. Pepper (because I am insane for Sonic's crushed ice). I paid the car hop with the new $20, but she didn't want to take it. She thought I was a loony trying to pay with play money. She was only half right. She had to go inside and ask her boss.
What about the role of government? Well, in the abstract, coming from my time and background, I thought it was a rather good thing, but tallying up the ledger in those things which affect me and in those things I observe, I am hard-pressed to see an instance where the intervention of the government led to much beyond sorrow.
--David Mamet in the Village Voice
READ ANY GOOD BOOKS ON THE INTERNET LATELY
How do people read things on the internet. They don't.
According to web expert Jakob Neilsen-"Instead web users flit about like butterflies in a garden, pausing at anything that takes their interest."
THE SPRING CLEANING PHILOSOPHER
I was cleaning out the garage and decided that everything in there, that wasn't trash without any redeeming value, fit into two categories.
The first- boxes full of memories apparently in storage for our future museum to ourselves. In reality, they are there for when I attempt to clean the garage every fifteen years or move, whichever comes first, so I can reminisce while I am chunking things into the trash.
The second- parts from worn out stuff ready to be rigged like MacGyver into something to fix an emergency.
I was able to clear out big patches of the garage now ready for the next wave of junk shoved out the house.
IT MUST BE TRUE. IT'S A SURVEY
A new survey for Nursing Times magazine claims that 1/6th of British nurses have had sex with their patients. Or, at least fellow nurses heard that they did.
I HOPE I GET A GOOD CHRISTMAS BONUS--
Dancing on table tops and photocopying body parts isn't the only thing going on at office Christmas parties.
Another British survey from a dating website says that one-third of those surveyed admitted to having sex with the boss during the party.
Could this be true? Does the boss sit in his office like Bill Clinton with his employees lined up outside the door waiting to wish him or her a "Merry Christmas"?
WHO NEEDS TO FLOSS?--
Another crackpot poll from Britain says 60% of respondents pick their teeth with such things as screwdrivers, scissors, earrings, knives, keys, needles and forks. 23% just leave the food in their teeth.
They all must be true. It's a survey.
Another good tooth picker is a parchment business card. They are thinner than standard business cards but very sturdy. They are expensive cards, so the best source is a crooked lawyer or somebody trying to act richer than they are.
HAPPY 3.14159265 DAY
Math geeks around the world are still recovering. It was Pi DAY - March 14th or 3.14. Pi is the constant number used to calculate the area or circumference of a circle. It starts with 3.14159265 and continues to an infinite number of decimal places. Pi maniacs compete to see who can learn the longest string. A Japanese mental health counselor holds the world record by reciting Pi to the 100,000th decimal place. Someone should examine his head.
Just imagine Pi day in 2015. It will be like Y2K.
Coincidentally, it is also Albert Einstein's birthday.
EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING, BUT THE GRAVEYARD IS FULL
A village in France couldn't justify the cost of buying more land to add to their sold-out cemetery, so their mayor has proclaimed: "all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish."
"Offenders will be severely punished."
Standing Room Only?
AIN'T YOU GOT NO GOOD GRAMMER
March 4th was National Grammar Day. It was sponsored by the blue or red pencil wielding group named The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar, or
SPOGG.
Their purpose: "SPOGG is for people who crave good, clean English - sentences cast well and punctuated correctly. It's about clarity. And who knows how many of the world's huge problems could be solved if we had a little more of that?"
Grammarians lack imagination.
Fretting about grammar often creates writer's block. It is like an OCD chef that never cooks anything because he is too distracted cleaning up every drop and crumb. It is better to clean up the mess when you are finished.
Spring Forward Fall Back
Daylight Savings Time was invented by Benjamin Franklin. Many farmers are against it because the extra hour of daylight tends to burn their crops up. Arizona doesn't have it because they don't need to be any hotter in the summer.
I'M ON MY THIRD CHERRY COKE and SECOND HAMBURGER, TODAY
I just found out how to become a billionaire.
Warren Buffet, the richest man in the world, drinks five cans of Cherry Coke every day and his favorite meal is a Hamburger. He lives in the same house he bought 50 years ago for $31,500.
Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, is the 7th richest man the world. He lives cheaply and invests his money back into his business. If he stays in a nice hotel, and happens to take a soft drink out of the pricey mini-bar, he replaces it before he leaves with a bottle that he buys for much less at a nearby store.
EVERYDAY IS XMAS IN THE CARGO HOLD
$31 million worth of valuables have disappeared from checked luggage on planes in the past three years since the TSA started its no-lock policy according to TSA figures.
An anonymous baggage handler claims to have never pilfered but has HEARD THINGS.
She says one way to get away with it is to rifle through a bag and then put it on the wrong plane headed to the wrong city. When they finally find the bag, nobody can pinpoint the scene of the crime.
ONE MILLION BAGS LOST BY AIRLINES EACH MONTH
If the airline loses your luggage forever they will not reimburse you for some premium items. Don't pack antlers in your suitcase because if they lose it you are out of luck. The airlines pay a flat $9.07 a pound for luggage never returned to its owner up to $640.00.
Do you know where all lost airline luggage goes? There is a magical special place and you can go there and buy other people's stuff for a bargain. Their loss is your gain.
For those with a compulsion to look in your hosts' medicine cabinet, you can go there just to touch other people's stuff.
A travel expert claims the best thing to eat at an airport is a corn dog.
SOMEBODY'S WATCHING ME
Have you ever wondered if someone was spying on you? Why would they do such a thing? What have they got on you so far?
This was once called paranoia.
Now, someone might be video recording you and getting ready to share it with the world.
A Harvard study claims that rhinotillexis is down 70%.
The decline is a result of people being afraid of showing up on YouTube because there are cameras everywhere. Rhinotillexis means- picking one's nose with one's fingers.
Political pundits on television hype the primaries more than Brent Musberger broadcasting a college Bowl game and are about as accurate as your local TV weatherman.
BUNDLE UP AL
More snow has fallen in North America this winter than in over 40 years. Several large cities had had over 100 inches of snow. The earth has cooled between .55 and .65 degrees in the past twelve months wiping out the earth warming over the last 100 years. The probable cause: activity of the sun. That's inconvenient.
Will Al Gore's AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH become the modern day REEFER MADNESS- a movie meant to issue a dire warning that is now a cult film that causes people to hoot and holler?
THANKS ETHANOL
To make ethanol they are using up more and more of the corn supply. This is causing the price of life's basics to skyrocket. The latest victim is a steak shortage at steak houses. Some are substituting Buffalo. Thanks Ethanol. Before steaks it was popcorn. The price paid to farmers jumped from 9 cents to 13 cents a pound. Movie theaters will be forced to raise their price to keep their 1000% profit margin. Thanks Ethanol. I saw a gallon of milk over $5 because they feed cows corn. Thanks Ethanol. The price of corn tortillas a staple source of protein for the poor in Mexico has doubled or tripled. Thanks Ethanol. Look what it has done to the cost of Moonshine. Thanks Ethanol.
MORE THANKS ETHANOL
Durum Wheat is being used to make ethanol. Durum Wheat is what they use to make pasta. So, the supply is being squeezed. They say pasta is Italy's national dish and the average Italian eats 62 pounds every year. The price of pasta in Italy is zooming up. Thanks Ethanol.
Everyone running for Congress for the first time wants and promises change. Every old SOB that has been in Congress for 30, 40, 50 years just wants to keep coming back and they let all the newly elected know real quick that they are
pip-squeaks that won't be changing anything.
Young voters are flocking to the primaries like never before. Could it be: Barack Obama is like the cool teacher at school; Hillary Clinton is like your mother's strident friend who was always at the women's group meetings in your living room?
WHO NEEDS THE DRIVE-THRU
Now, there is a 12 volt sandwich press that you can plug in and make grilled sandwiches in the front seat of your car. I hope that you park first.
HEALTH CARE NAZIS
In the news, government officials planning to force people to take care of themselves.
Hillary Clinton says that if she is president she may garnish wages to force workers to buy health insurance.
Some Mississippi legislators want to make it against the law for restaurants to serve obese customers. This would lead to black market to go orders.
Another group of killjoys think the Girl Scouts should not push their cookies on people because they are unhealthful. They don't even think it is all right to eat them in moderation instead of sitting there and eating a whole box.
GET YOUR TICKETS, NOW!!!
The New York Philharmonic visited the capital of North Korea for a historic concert and played Gershwin music before an audience of 1400 on Tuesday night. The concert was televised and seen by 1 million of the 22 million North Koreans lucky enough to know someone with a television and electricity. They were gathered around like the neighborhood coming to see the first TV on the block in 50s in the United States
Eric Clapton is considering the invitation to be the next westerner to give a concert in North Korea. Kim Jon Il's son and next in line is a big Eric Clapton fan because he is a GUITAR HERO fanatic.
IT'S TEN O'CLOCK WHERE IS KIM JON IL
This is a satellite photo of Korea at night. Notice the density of light in South Korea. North Korea shuts off the electricity at 9PM. There is only one bright dot in North Korea. Guess who lives there?
They love hot dogs in Sweden. There are stands everywhere selling Tunnebrod Rulleor. In Sweden, hot dogs and mashed potatoes are wrapped in flat bread. They usually wash it down with a chocolate drink called PUCKO. PUCKO is slang in Sweden for "idiot".
HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
I have never accepted one penny of BLOGOLA. No one has ever offered me any.
GETTING PAID TO WATCH TV
Allen never misses the Academy Awards show on television because he makes millions of dollars from watching.
When you ask a winner of the Super Bowl what's next, he always says, "I'm going to Disney World". Where does the loser go?
I kept seeing tourism commercials for California and Florida. Then, one day I glanced up to see images on the TV of a forgotten destination the ad claimed was a vacation wonderland. Eureka. That's It.
NEBRASKA
THEY SHOULD'VE GOT 'EM LIQUORED UP
Have you ever wondered why it now costs over $100 million to run for president? Hillary Clinton's campaign spent $95,000 in Iowa to load up Caucus goers on cheap deli meat.
Politicians promise a vote for them is a vote for change. They promise to make you better off with policies that will make you worse off. Depending on the government to solve your problems is like being on the look out for a unicorn.
THEY BLOWED IT UP REAL GOOD
They successfully launched the missile and blew up the Spy Satellite which is the size of a bus, weighed 10 tons and was spiraling uncontrolled.
Space junk is constantly falling to earth. They say over 12 million pounds of it have fallen and no one has been killed, yet.
Your chance of winning the lottery is close to impossible and your chance of being hit by space junk is a million times less. The earth's surface is a little less than 200 million square miles and there are 27,878,400 square feet in a square mile. So, if you are standing in a 10 square foot box- that would be a 200 million x 2.8 million chance. You multiply it. That's 560 million plus a lot of zeros.
Of course, your car or house since they are bigger would have more chance.
I'M NOT DEAD YET. I FEEL HAPPY. I FEEL HAPPY. I QUIT.
--Fidel Castro
Fidel Castro has been saying he was not dead here at MBI for the past two years. Now, he is resigning as El Presidente. He may stop claiming to not be dead any day now.
SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD THEY STILL THINK WE WON
If you go to a third world country and notice people wearing Championship t-shirts or hats from a United States team, the other team won. The screen printers print up a bunch of CHAMPIONS stuff for both teams involved in a Championship game so they will be ready for sale as soon as the game is over. They have to do something to get rid of the loser stuff they printed. So, they ship it off to countries where they don't care who won. In Nicaragua, The New England Patriots won the SUPER BOWL and ended the season 19-0
PRESIDENT'S DAY SALE QUIZ #2
Who was president but was not elected president and ran for president twice after he was president and was not elected.
ANSWER--I won't tell you.
JUST A GOOD OL BOY
The Daytona 500 also known as the Great American Race is like the Super Bowl of Stock Car Racing and held every year in February.
NASCAR started for races between moonshine runners on their day off.
Moonshine runners would drive nondescript businessman type cars to look inconspicuous. They souped up the engines, reinforced the suspension,and put tanks in the trunk for their product. The tanks were outfitted to dump their load when being chased by the revenuers.
Of course, they had to prove who had the fastest car to each other. They formed the National Association of Stock Car Racing. For some reason, the cars were not plastered with ads
NASCAR groupies who hang over the chain link fence separating the stands from the track and vie for the driver's attention are nicknamed WAFFLE BELLIES
CALL THE MEN IN THE WHITE COATS. HE'S EATING SPAGHETTI FOR BREAKFAST
Dunkin Donuts is going to start selling Pizza and sandwiches to try to generate business after breakfast. A stock analyst who studies the restaurant business stated that "some people don't like to eat at the same place more than once a day." If Dunkin Donuts gains business in the afternoon they will lose some for breakfast. This is probably true. People are such creatures of habit- they have their morning place, lunch places and dinner places and seldom the twain shall meet. Also, they want breakfast foods for breakfast, but not later. Why are they breakfast foods? Initially they were things that can be prepared quickly and it became "just that's the way it is". If you want a hamburger for breakfast or pancakes for dinner you are an oddball.
WORST ADVERTISING IDEA EVER
Mamma Mia Pizza sells ads for the bottom of their pizza boxes.
This unfortunate ad may do wonders for the advertiser, but I don't believe Mamma Mia can expect much repeat business.
BAD IDEA Pizza Box
A CHEATER'S DAY THOUGHT
February 13th was CHEATER'S DAY- the day when the most unfaithful spouses get caught. Here's a quote in honor of the day:
Hillary Clinton has been cheated on more than a blind woman playing Scrabble with gypsies. ---Dennis Miller
DOLLAR STORE CRISIS
Doom. We're doomed. I visited the Dollar Store, today, and everything was no longer a dollar. It was now $1.09.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where the Dollar Store must now charge $1.09. What is Nancy Pelosi going to do about this? Hearings. A dollar store price freeze? What do the presidential candidates intend to do?
I demand to know! I demand action!
IF A POLICEMAN TELLS YOU TO FREEZE, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE
International Falls, Minnesota is called ICEBOX OF THE NATION. They just had their record low of -41 degrees.
I heard a TV weatherman say we might have some mild tornadoes.
MAD MAN THREATENS TO CUT OFF HIS NOSE TO SPITE HIS FACE
Venezuelan Mad Man Hugo Chavez is once again threatening to cut off oil exports to the United States. He gleefully warns the price will shoot up to $200 a barrel. The United States imports 1/9th of it's oil from Venezuela. The problem for Venezuelan Mad Man Chavez is he exports almost all his oil to the United States. We have the only refineries set up to refine his Venezuelan heavy crude that has the consistency of tar. He won't have anywhere else to immediately send his oil and his main source of income will disappear.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART
Mindset Media studied Mac users to determine their "mind-set profile". They found that Mac users feel superior and self satisfied. They are just like the smug Mac Guy in the commercials.
If they really put people in prison for lying to Congress, the place would be empty.
AHEAD OF HIS TIME
The PUPPY BOWL IV, which aired opposite the SUPER BOWL, featured puppies at play on a set made to look like a football stadium attracted 8 million viewers. The PUPPY BOWL averaged 1.1 million viewers at any one time.
I heard a story on public radio's THIS AMERICAN LIFE where the storyteller told of how her father came up with the PUPPY CHANNEL for cable tv in the 1980s. He made a pilot and composed a theme song. He believed it would be a great stress reliever and calming effect. He made pitches but couldn't get any cable honchos to bite.
In the early days of cable, which was mostly in small towns rebroadcasting the closest big city TV signals, they usually had a channel devoted to scanning weather gauges or maybe trained on a fish bowl.
QUESTS ARE GOOD
While you are on a quest, you will discover other good things that you may not have noticed and may have never imagined.
RUNNY NOSE CRISIS
Things can't just happen anymore. The news turns everything into a crisis. Democrat politicians always claim that it is the worst economy in a million years and everything that anyone can worry about is a crisis when they are trying to get back into office.
Too many people have taken their flu shots and cases of flu and colds are down 9%. This is causing a crisis in self health care. Kleenex sales are down 5%. Cold/allergy/sinus medications are also down 5%. Cough syrup down 16% and sore throat remedies are down 13%. Only chest rubs are up- 21% because of warnings against children's products.
Do your part to solve this crisis. Go outside without your coat or shoes. Even better go out in the cold with your hair wet. Don't cover your mouth or nose when you cough or sneeze.
ANOTHER CHILD STAR USED UP AND GONE WRONG
Knut, the famous polar bear, and Britney Spears have something in common. Fame has made them both mentally unstable. Like most child stars, he has grown into a gawky gangly teenager and is not cute anymore. He is no longer even solid white. He has a long raggedy dirty looking coat. Reminds me of a Nick Nolte arrest photo.
Knut's fame made the attendance at the Berlin Zoo soar. Over 2.5 million people came to see him. He was raised and coddled by human handlers. Now, he is too dangerous to interact with his handlers which is driving him crazy. He once made twice a day appearance to adoring fans. Now he is kept inside.
The Berlin zoo trademarked him and will continue to profit from his cute image.
But,
the handlers say that poor Knut is now a psychopath. He is addicted to humans. He will never be able to mate and is destined for a life of loneliness. Another washed up child star squeezed for what he was worth and abandoned.
CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES
The golden arches had a Super Bowl Day promotion of 50 Chicken Nuggets for $8.99.
I assume this is a quantity designed for parties.
For a few dollars more you can get a combo with two large fries and two large drinks. This seems designed for hogs. You and a gluttonous buddy could share 25 chicken nuggets a piece, a large french fry and a large drink and hope you don't explode. Market research must tell them that they will sell more than a few to folks that want to eat like a lineman. Don't fight over the last one.
Super Bowl Sunday comes in second only to Thanksgiving Day for food consumption. It is the #1 day for pizza sales.
WHO'S SITTING IN THE CATBIRD SEAT?
Hillary thought she was in the catbird seat. Tom Brady and the New England Patriots are sitting in one. Where did the notion of SITTING IN THE CATBIRD SEAT come from?
Baseball announcer Red Barber used the colorful phrase to describe a batter with a count of three balls and no strikes. The best position to be in. James Thurber wrote a short story called THE CATBIRD SEAT. There is a controversy as to who got it from whom. Barber said he heard it at a poker table in Cincinnati.
The expression probably originated from an area where catbirds live. Catbirds and their cousin mockingbirds head to the highest point in the yard to stake claim on it's territory. They sit up there and start loudly singing just before dawn during nesting season.
They just hauled Britney Spears off to the nervous hospital with a police escort and cleared airspace.
Time to revisit my movie pitch. I wrote it and it began appearing at mrbadideas.com over a year ago. Britney was a minor character in the famous girl out of control trio. Little did I know it may become a documentary:
MY BRITTANY PARAS LOHANN MOVIE PITCH
An old woman, named Brittany Paras Lohann who was once a famous singer-actress before she self destructed, is a recluse living alone in a house on stilts in the Louisiana swamp. Her fingertips are stained yellow from smoking unfiltered cigarettes and alligators are her only friends. Unknown to her, a half-wit lurks in the reeds watching. Is it her child, a relative,her only remaining fan, or an ex-husband? Snooping paparazzi who have ventured out to find her have mysteriously disappeared.
I COULDN'T BE A DELUDED WANNABE ON AMERICAN IDOL
AMERICAN IDOL has returned.
People who love me make me stop singing by the third note whenever I try. I never get past that note, so I don't know if I can sing or not. Maybe, I am great and nobody knows it because they haven't heard me sing a whole song. I might just start a little off. Maybe, if Simon could just hear me I could be a star.
CHEESEBURGER IN A CAN
The picture of the can is real. I don't think the burger really looks anything like this. It is an actual product sold in Germany to campers. You heat it by boiling the can.
Upon arriving in Viet Nam, Lt. Dan told Forrest Gump and Bubba the most important thing they needed to know was to constantly change their socks. Why? The fungus that causes "jungle rot" eats up socks, tents and anything cellulose.
You can make ethanol mixing the "jungle rot" fungus with agricultural waste- wood chips, stalks, etc. A start up company based in Illinois claims they can produce Ethanol made from wood chips for $1 a gallon. They are partnering with General Motors and are building processing plants that will be ready in 2-3 years.
This may save corn tortillas from becoming a luxury item.
A CROOK JUST CAN'T TRUST ANOTHER CROOK NOT TO BE A CROOK
Phishers in Morocco are giving away free phishing kits. Phishers are the spammers that send you email that looks like it is from a real company like Bank of America or PayPal so they can try to fool you into giving them personal information and steal your identity.
The free phishing kits contain hidden code that steals all the information the phisher with the free kits steals and sends it to the Moroccan phishers. So, the phishers are stealing phish from other phishers.
One way to prevent identity theft is to have an identity so bad that nobody wants to steal it.
A FEW WORDS FROM DR. FILL
The difference between men and women is men don't want to talk about their troubles and all that women want to talk about is their troubles.
I'M RUBBER AND YOU'RE GLUE
Some unnamed prominent politicians who may be running for president seem to operate on the fundraising principle of take the money and ask questions later. If anyone complains, give the money back and apologize.
Allen Raymond, a campaign operative who got snagged and was sent up the river, decided to spill the beans on dirty dealings in campaigns to help sell his book HOW TO RIG AN ELECTION. He takes it a step further. He says if a shady character wants to give you money- take it as long as they agree to also give a small contribution to your opponent. If your opponent tries to expose you for taking illegal funds you can say "hey, you took money from him, too."
FREE ENTERPRISE IS GREAT! SOCIALISM STINKS!
It is against the law in France for a store to sell a book at more than a 5% discount. Amazon is being fined by the French for offering FREE SHIPPING. They protect a few from evil price cutting doers by hindering the free market and making the customers (everyone else) suffer. Our politicians that spend too much time worrying about what the French think of us are the same ones that have it in for WAL-MART. Isn't government meddling great?
Socialism is easy to sell because of human nature. Socialism absolutely doesn't work because of human nature.
CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING
CKE Restaurants, operator of Carl Jr's and Hardees, sales have grown 31% since 2000. How did they do it? By offering salads and other healthful alternatives. WRONG. They went the complete opposite direction by dishing out the biggest fattest burgers they could dream up.
Their latest gluttonous experiment didn't pan out. They tested it in 7 restaurants last summer. Executives said it tasted really good but
"some sandwiches are so unique that consumers can't wrap their heads around them."
They called it the JULY 4th BURGER and consisted of a huge beef patty topped with pickles, ketchup, mustard, potato chips, and a hot dog. A cookout on a bun. This is a Kid's Meal compared to stuff on the HAMBURGER PORNO PAGE
MITT ROMNEY MIGHT BE A REDNECK
If you go on vacation with your five children and you put your dog in a kennel with its own windshield strapped to the roof of your car and that dog has diarrhea and makes a mess all over the rear window so you can't see and you stop and hose it off then get back in your a car a keep driving down the road, YOU MIGHT BE A .....
WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR
January 15th was the day that 90% of the New Year's Resolutions have been given up on. There will be no wait for the exercise machines at the gym after that date.
JUST OK BOWL
They could not sell all of the seats at the first Super Bowl with Green Bay and Kansas City. Two college marching bands played at half time. There is no video record of the first two Super Bowls because the tapes were erased. They thought no one would ever want to see them again. Pete Rozell, the NFL commissioner wanted to call it THE BIG ONE. Kansas City Chiefs' owner Lamar Hunt thought of the name after watching his kids play with a Super Ball.
HALF TIME EXTRAVAGANZA
Tom Petty is the half time show at this year's Super Bowl. Former teen idols Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones have performed in recent years. This was equivalent year-wise as if former teen idol Rudy Vallee had sung with his megaphone at the first Super Bowl.
IF A TREE FELL AT A KEVIN FEDERLINE CONCERT WOULD IT MAKE A SOUND?
Keven Federline starred in the #1 ranked celebrity ad from 2007 Super Bowl on the basis of volume, favorability and polarity according to Cymfony. His "Life comes at you fast" ad for Nationwide Insurance that starts with him rapping about riches and fame and ends with him working in a fast food restaurant created 8 times the marketing buzz as the next celebrity Super Bowl ads.
Also, it prompted outrage by the National Restaurant Association for making workers look bad. K-Fed's potential fast food career is finis.
LIKE IT OR LUMP IT
The current buzzword from politicians is CHANGE.
Nancy Pelosi has finally gotten to show her vision for Changing America. She has created her own little microcosm of government meddling by decree. It is the new House of Representative cafeterias- a part of her "Greening of the Capitol" plan. Some call it "feel good crap".
They serve politically correct food nobody really wants at prices higher than they want to pay. Food that Nancy and her minions have deemed good for you purchased from the correct sort of suppliers. The decor is a shrine to the "renewable earth" with plenty of sloganeering to ram down your throat. You must recycle in the sorting bins complete with detailed instructions. They now have biodegradable flatware, but you have to use a teaspoon to slurp your soup because the ecofriendly supplier doesn't make soup spoons.
The spokesman for the chief administrative officer that oversees the cafeteria (he needs a spokesman?) responded to complaints in typical way of anything run by bureaucrats-
"customers would have to change their behavior to accommodate the environmentally friendly products."
His response to complaints about the ecofriendly straws that melt in hot liquid: "Sip your coffee like a normal human being, we're trying to save the planet here."�
We're trying to get accolades from people that don't eat here, who cares what the customers think.
EVERYTHING MUST GO SALE
The British Prime Minister wants to change organ donation policy to stem the shortfall and save 1000 lives a year. He wants to adopt the system used by credit card companies when they change their deal on you. They will assume you agree unless you object. You will have to take your name off the donation register.
My favorite economist, Walter E. Williams, says there is an organs for transplant shortage because you are not allowed to sell them. The transplant waiting list would be much shorter if organs could be bought and sold. He states that to most loving families agreeing to bury their loved one without all of the parts they arrived with would be unthinkable. But, if there was money to be made some children would quickly reconsider and put all of dear old dad's parts on the block for the right price.
I'M MY OWN GRANDPA
Twins separated at birth recently found out they were married to each other. This is a rare. Here is advice for something that may not be:
If your mother visited the sperm bank before you were conceived and you are on the make forget asking "what's your sign?". You need to ask if they are a DONOR CONCEIVED PERSON. If they are then ask what is their father's donor identification number. You may be putting the moves on your brother or sister.
If your father made frequent deposits, you may have dozens or even hundreds of half brothers and sisters.
Expecting the government to solve a problem is the same as expecting to see a unicorn.
GIMME THE SWAG
The award show cancellations are causing a panic in Hollywood. Movie and TV stars can't get their swag.
At large film festivals and award shows there are rooms set aside where they can pick up their Bag of Swag. Swag is free stuff that marketers give away on the chance that the stars will be photographed wearing or using their stuff. Swag often includes expensive watches and invitations for free trips to exclusive resorts. Some bags of swag can total freebies worth $100,000. The promoters giving the swag think of it as cheap advertising. The IRS now considers it tax money.
St. Charles, Missouri is considering a bill to curb the rowdy dows in bars. There would be a law against cussing. Would this mean you would have to take it outside to stand with the smokers to swear? This could result in no sports on television in the bar.
The ban would also stop dancing on table tops and profane music, entertainment and literature. Patrons would not be allowed to read their copies of FANNY HILL or LADY CHATTERLY'S LOVER there anymore.
What's next? Policemen required to carry bars of soap? Not allowing you to throw things at the band behind the chicken wire?
TAKE TWO ASPIRIN AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING
Medical care and medical insurance were once inexpensive. It was inexpensive back when they couldn't do anything for you. Now, there are machines that will look into every inch of your insides. They can replace just about any part. They can do surgery on your heart and brain. They have medicines to maintain chronic illnesses. There are pills for the boudoir when a guy's hydrolics no longer work right. They can do so much for us that we can't afford it anymore.
I'VE GOT A GAL NAMED BONY MARONIE. SHE'S AS SKINNY AS A STICK OF MACARONI.
A barista (a person that makes the coffee concoctions- coffee jerk) at STARBUCKS is refusing to use their new term- SKINNY for drinks with low fat milk, sugar free syrup and no whipped cream. She says it will hurt the self esteem of employees and customers to hear SKINNY yelled out all day and SKINNY written on the cups.
The health department should be on the look out for tear drops in the coffee from spindly or big boned baristas.
FALLACY IS THE NEW TRUTH
Word experts recently made a Top 10 list of overused expressions. Included on the list was "is the new". For example: 70 IS THE NEW 50 or GRAY IS THE NEW BLACK. One wag chimed in FALLACY IS THE NEW TRUTH. Many people believe things are true that aren't so and common knowledge has become common ignorance. People believe the damndest things and the more outrageous the more likely they are to believe it- just look at Rosie O'Donnell.
THOMAS EDISON AND THE ELECTRIC CHAIR
January 4th was the 105th anniversary of the electrocution of Topsy the Elephant. Topsy went on a rampage and killed three people on Coney Island. They originally wanted to hang Topsy. Thomas Edison suggested electrocution. The event was witnessed by 1500 and filmed by Thomas Edison. The film was exhibited across the country as ELECTROCUTING THE ELEPHANT.
The word electrocution was coined and the invention of the electric chair was the result of a publicity stunt and other dirty tricks by Thomas Edison.
There is a Body Farm at the University of Tennessee. It sits on 3 acres and has 150 bodies rotting in the sun, shade, water, under leaves, shallow graves, and in trunks of cars so they can study decomposition rates and which insects are hanging around. It is a CSI dreamland. They have another 1000 bodies bequeathed to them and they are looking for more land. It was started by anthropologist Dr. William M. Bass in 1971 so he could answer the first question the police asked about bodies they sent him. It wasn't "who are they", but "how long have they been dead".
AVOID THE CLAP
Chelsea Clinton recently refused an interview to a SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE reporter because she "doesn't answer questions from reporters even if they are 9 and cute". This reminded me of all the little kids that have been crushed and warped for life after getting to meet their sports super hero and treated by them in a rude and surly way.
Tom Hanks' character in LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN summarized the carelessness of treating young fans. His character was a washed up Baseball home run king reduced to being the cynical drunken manager of a women's professional baseball team. Two ten year old boys recognize him on the street and ask for an autograph. He signs his name and adds "avoid the clap". As they walk off with a puzzled look, he calls out "that's good advice."
A year from now you will wish you started something today.
--Karen Lamb
DON'T CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN
Former box office champion SOUND OF MUSIC just aired again Sunday night. Filmakers take dramatic license to make films more interesting. If the Von Trapp family had really climbed that mountain at the end of the movie to escape the Nazis they would have been heading into Germany, not Switzerland. The audience smiling with feelings of relief and well being as the "Climb Every Mountain" music plays should instead be screaming "Stop, you're going the wrong way. Turn around!"
I would wish you a happy new year, but since most people don't know how to be happy I will just hope you don't get killed on the way home.
STAGE MOTHER OF THE YEAR
Now that Britney's sister Jamie Lynn is 16 and pregnant, the release of the book on parenting by their mother is being postponed by the publisher.
Mrs. Spears has sold the rights to report on Jamie Lynn's pregnancy to OK magazine for a million dollars.
The girl stars gone wild that can't keep out of trouble should stop associating with bad companions (like their parents).
PARENTING ADVICE NEVER GIVEN BY BRITNEY'S MOTHER
Here is some advice for Britney and Jamie probably not in their mother's book:
My baby's nose is running. -- Wipe it
My baby has a dirty diaper.-- Wipe it and Change it
It's lunch time. Do you think my kids are hungry? -- Feed them
My baby is crying. -- Hold him
I think I'll take the kids for a drive. -- Put them in car seats
I put whitening strips on my child's teeth. -- Don't
My video just came on TV. -- Turn the TV off. Your kids might see what mommy has been up to.
OOPS! I forgot to put my panties on again. -- Put your drawers on
I need to go out and get my swerve on. -- Stay home and play, talk or read a story to your kids.
Are muffins an excuse to eat cake for breakfast?
SPOILED WOMEN
Sixty or seventy years ago when many labor saving housekeeping devices were novel and new they would have been a thoughtful and appreciated Christmas gift. Now, household labor saving devices are not coveted and are considered a thoughtless gift that could result in objects being thrown at heads, silent treatments or a life sleeping on the couch if you are lucky.
STONE THE CREEPS
The TSA was voted the second least popular government agency behind FEMA. Remember, TSA wants you to pack neatly and in layers so they can rifle through your bags and do the messin up. They mostly confiscate lighters and another government agency claims we are no safer despite spending $5.3 Billion.
Here is my idea for airline safety. A few hijackers can't stay in control when the greater numbers decide to take it back.
Every passenger should be handed a bag of rocks when entering the plane. If someone has evil plans for the plane and starts causing trouble, the rest of the hundred or so passengers can take their rocks and stone the creep.
Rocks shouldn't create any unfortunate holes in the plane like bullets would, and since the terrorists want to take us back to medieval times we can take them back there first. They would be no match for a blizzard of rocks.
STEWARDESS, I'D LIKE A CHIANTI TO GO WITH MY FAVA BEANS
If you don't want to pass out bags of rocks and you can't profile because you might get sued, what can you do? Last year, the suspicious acting Imams that freaked everyone out and were kicked off the plane in Minnesota asked for seat belt extensions. They were not large people and did not use the extensions. They sat them on the floor. Another thing to worry about: seat belt extensions turned into numchuks to conk the crew over the head or strangle them. Soon, the only way to guarantee airline safety will be to strap all passengers into their seats like Hannibal Lechter.
IDENTITY THEFT
In 1938, Woolworth stores sold wallets that had imitation social security cards with a number but no name. The imitation cards were there to show off the wallets like picture frames that come with pictures of people that you don't know.
The problem was that the number on the fake social security cards was real. It belonged to a secretary at the wallet company.
During the next 39 years, it is estimated that 40,000 people used the secretary's number on their tax forms.
HAS ANYONE ASKED HILLARY IF SHE EVER USED DRUGS?
Hillary 1969
WHAT KIND OF GRAVY GOES GOOD WITH THAT?
FOOD NETWORK TV star Paula Deen is a southern cook that believes that everything goes better with butter. Her son teased her that she would deep fry butter if she could. A viewer sent in a recipe and now you can make Paula's Deep Fried Butter Balls
THERE IS SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON
Fast Food restaurants buy fish that is fished because wild fish has a stronger taste. It tastes fishier. Faced with a shortage of fished fish they are having to turn to farm raised fish. To make the fish taste like wild fish they are adding fish flavoring at the processing plant. Fish flavored fish.
I HATE WAL-MART
Liberal politicians hate WAL-MART. Some are in cities that put the kibosh on WAL-MART coming to their town. They would love WAL-MART if it was owned by the government. The problem is it would be run by the government. Many of the shelves would be empty and others would be full of stuff nobody wants to buy.
That rotten WAL-MART strives to have the most efficient distribution system in the world. Liberal politicians rail about all of the mom and pop stores that charge high prices, pay minimum wage with no benefits that WAL-MART supposedly puts out of business.
I hate Wal-Mart, too. Everytime I go in to a Wal-Mart to buy something specific, they place bargains in the aisle. "That's a good price. I need that." I always end up with a basketful of stuff that I needed, but when I walked into the store I didn't remember I needed. Damn you Wal-Mart!
LAKE PROPERTY
Several months ago I wrote this quotable quote:
If a lake or river dried up, somebody would be out there building a house on it. They would also be crying, complaining and expecting the government to bail them out after the water came back.
A woman answered an ad and bought land advertised as FOR SALE AS IS. The land turned out to be underwater in the middle of a lake. She is suing the county to have the lake drained so she can use her land.
WHO WAS NOBEL?
Alfred Nobel was the inventor of dynamite. His father invented plywood. Hmmm. Was there a deep seeded resentment causing Alfred to want to blow up building materials?
NOT LOOKING FOR THE BARGAIN
My new favorite song is from a commercial for a heart stent. Do they want patients on the table demanding their brand? This is one product where you are not looking for the cheapest one. The price competition is in the other direction. Here is a TV pitch that could corner the stent market:
Don't settle for a bargain stent as trustworthy as a leaky garden hose from the dollar store. Next time ask for our stent. The most expensive heart stent on earth and worth it.
WHEN YOU GOTTA GO YOU GOTTA GO
Desperate for a bathroom? Immodium brings you the Bathroom Finder. It lists all the public bathrooms in each zip code plus a map. If you don't have a computer handy while in dire need head for a police station, city building, fast food restaurant or hotel lobby.
On a visit to New York City I was riding the subway and they kept announcing that there were "pickpockets on the train". How did they know? I determined they must be psychics.
Emma Clarke was the voice of the London underground (or Tube) until she was recently canned for making a series of spoof announcements she placed on her website. Click to Listen:
FAKE SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENTS
IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU NOBODY WILL
Joining the scrap heap of advertising blunders- Tylenol had to drop their flop "made with love" campaign. In order to justify the higher price for Tylenol over buying the identical generic acetaminophen, they tried to convince consumers that Tylenol was made with love. An employee making Tylenol is supposedly the equivalent to Grandma lovingly baking a pie for her family.
I couldn't understand how Tylenol employees could love millions of pills rolling down conveyor belts and neither could anyone else. The monotony of repetition generally leads to hatred. If the employees were really loving the the little pills what would would happen if a unhinged lovesick employee refused to part with his precious creations? Fill the bottles with cotton or placebos? Hold the factory hostage?
If you have a headache, you don't care if it was made with love. You just want it to work.
Dennis Miller calls the Viagra commercials with the middle aged guys gathered in the rec room singing about the wonders of Viagra a "flaccid hootenanny".
NOW WE'RE DESTROYING THE UNIVERSE!
Cosmologist using quantum theory which nobody understands, so they can say anything and I can't dispute it, claim that by discovering and thinking about phenomenon in space we are shortening the life of the universe. They explain that it is like a watched pot of water on the stove never boiling. Huh? SAVE THE UNIVERSE. STOP PONDERING.
mrbadideas.com READER. YOU ARE A GENIUS!
I was noticing how complimentary the beer commercials are during football games. "You are a drinker of our beer. Good Call" Or hint at other self esteem builders: you are clever, smart, have great taste, girls love you, one of a kind, and part of the club. They like you. Their beer brand is your friend.
You know what mrbadideas.com readers? I LIKE YOU.
WE GOT THE FANCIEST MOBILE HOME IN THE PARK
The latest scientific study says that most people are not happy unless they are richer than everyone they know.
THE GIFT THAT CEASES GIVING
It turns out Gift Cards are almost as big of a scam to give for Christmas as a lottery ticket. If you don't spend your Gift Card fast enough the value of some cards disappear. Some cards have expiration dates. Some start charging maintenance fees until the value is gone- $2 a month, $5 dollars a month, $25 after so many days and another $25 after so many days. The stores or credit card companies get a big pile of money from the buyers which they can earn interest on until they have to pay out. One out of four cards totaling $8 Billion are not redeemed after a year and some will never be redeemed. The card issuers get an interest free loan and then have the gall to charge you for letting them keep it for you. The money is not piled up in a vault. There is nothing to maintain. They don't even need a janitor to dust it every now and again.
IF YOU'VE GOT THE DINERO, I'VE GOT THE CAMARO
The latest thing is for top international models, entertainers and financiers to refuse to be paid in U.S. Dollars. Will illegal aliens who send a large percentage of their income back home to Mexico soon start refusing to be paid in dollars, too?
THE PERFECT COVER STORY
Hillary Clinton recently got in trouble for stiffing her waitress at a Iowa diner. During further investigation it was shown the $157 bill was paid by a staff member with a credit card. There was no tip charged to the credit card. Their answer was they left a $100 bill for the tip. If they really left a $100 bill somebody pocketed it and didn't share with the other waitresses. If a waitress pocketed the mystery money she would be a national embarrassment to admit it. The other waitresses will be forever suspicious of their coworkers even if no one is guilty. Nobody will ever be able to prove anything. The perfect CYA? They were really extremely generous and somebody in that restaurant must be selfish and dishonest.
The only thing better would be to payoff one of them to admit keeping the tip and that she always votes Republican.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' --- Ronald Reagan
NOT A SMALL WORLD
Disneyland is going to reconstruct the IT'S A SMALL WORLD ride. The canal will be deeper and the boats more buoyant. Riders have gotten so fat that the boats get stuck mostly at two spots on the ride. They have to send someone down to lighten the load and take the heavyweights off. It happens so often they have built new docks at the trouble spots. To repay guests for being pulled off the ride they get a free food coupon. They can chomp on a Mouse Bar while waiting for their party.
MR BAD IDEAS GOES GREEN
Get rid of all the light bulbs in your house. Sit in the dark. Go to bed at sundown. Wake up at dawn. Turn off your television when Al Gore comes on.
SAFEST PLACE TO LIVE
A professor figured out where the safest places to live in the United States are. Among the top three is Roswell, New Mexico.
He looked to see where you were least likely to be hit by a hurricane, tornado, earthquake. mudslide or forest fire. He ruled out places where you could freeze to death in a blizzard or die prostrate from extreme heat and humidity.
Apparently he didn't take into consideration the angry aliens who will disintegrate Roswell when they come looking for their spaceship that crashed there in 1947 and can't find it.
MR YUK IS MEAN MR YUK IS GREEN
China strikes again. They just recalled 1.5 million Thomas the Tank Engine wooden toys because they are painted with lead paint. We know every one of them heads straight for the mouth. This joins the list of other dubious products made in China: poisoned dog food, tainted toothpaste and cough syrup, and fish and shrimp raised in sewage. Do they need to put Mr. Yuk stickers on the back of every product from China?
Hillary 1969
